Oh, Hey there!

Wow...it definitely has been awhile.

Do people even still use Blogger? Haha…I’m really not sure. But I am sure that I still love this ‘ol blog – and tackling the idea of creating a new one in a new space just seems silly.

Life is silly enough, isn’t it?

The way things change all around us and yet continue to trek on and on.

I’ve started writing many entries over these past few years because of my love of writing and my urges to spit out whatever is going on in my mind…but because of my scatterbrainness – I never seemed to finish one enough to post it. Or at least, in those moments where I just HAD to get something on paper because I was so passionate about it – once I got out what I wanted to say, that was it. It was as far as I needed to take it, I guess.

I don’t even know if I really have much to say right at this very moment. I guess I just wanted to say; “Hey, I’m still here! Don’t forget about me!!” That’s something I’ve wanted to say quite a few times these past few years – in quite a few different situations – to quite a few different audiences…

But, like I mentioned before, and something that I’m trying to come to terms with, life and time just continue to trek on and on…and the entities that make up all of it, those continue to trek on as well.

I will have more time in the next month to actually try to be profound with my words.

But why do I feel that way? Why do I feel like, if I am going to come on here, my OWN BLOG, with people who clearly (somewhat at least) value what I have to say, why do I feel like I need to be or say anything other than what I just plainly have to be or say. Why do I feel the need to write a life-changing novel as my “comeback” entry? Why do I feel the urge to impress an audience that has been gracious enough to stick with me this long? Or, an audience who is viewing this blog for the first time, yet felt compelled to even click on or type in my blog address?

That’s something I have been working on a great deal. Trying not to care about what other people think of me. Especially the people that I really don’t think much of. I have definitely gotten so much better at it. But you know HOW I have gotten so much better at it? Through the words and encouragement of those who TRULY and GENUINELY know and love me. Those people have utterly and radically changed my view on relationships. The people who support and encourage me in my new endeavors, especially those whom I really didn’t expect or assume they would be so supportive. It’s been amazing. But, that is enough love and passion to be entirely its own post.

SO MUCH has changed and happened in these past few years, I feel like I need to re-introduce myself!! Haha or at least give you the highlights…so I guess I will start there…and in the spirit of keeping with my ever-desired theme of my blog, I will be as genuine as possible. Because I feel like that’s what we need in life: A little more realness. How can I expect anyone to truly love and care for me if they don’t truly know me?

So here goes…

·      I got married last year!!! That was and is incredible.

·     Even though married life is really really great now – last year it was really really rough. I know, I know; “the first year of marriage is the hardest” – I don’t mean “First-year married life” tough. I mean serious, at times, life-threatening, truly tough rough. It was tough. But God is so so good. I don’t get it. I’m not sure I ever will. God is just so amazingly good. No matter how bad of a “sinner” you think you are, or what you have done – God still saves you. He can make drastic and immediate changes if you just hand it over to Him. But, I suppose that could be a post of its own as well

·     We are in the process of building a house! Super exciting – though I will admit – I am that person who tried not to get tooexcited about things until they are 100% reality, because you just never know what could happen…yah know?

·     In January we went to a Fertility Specialist and found out that I was born with only half my uterus in-tact. The other half is there, it just isn’t functional. So this next Thursday (the 13^th) I am having surgery to remove that half, as it only causes me immense pain and serve no other purpose. The surgery is tricky in that we really don’t know how it will go…so here’s the mini-highlight on that:

·     Possible Scenario #1: The surgeon goes in laparoscopically and is able to remove the bad half-uterus perfectly fine without any complications or extensive surgery

·     Possible Scenario #2: The uterus is removed fine but there is too much bleeding so the surgeon has to “open” me up just to get a better handle on the stitches

·     Possible Scenario #3: The uterus is removed but other organs are damaged in the process so those organs have to be removed as well (ovaries, tubes, or even a full hysterectomy may be necessary)

·     Possible Scenario #4: The surgeon goes in and does not feel comfortable touching anything because it looks too risky and she just comes right back out, doing nothing at all

So that is the deal with that and I am just over here trying to trust God with it all completely. My prayers have gone from hoping things go exactly as planned and no large incision has to be made and I’ll heal fine and in 6 months we can start fertility treatments…to whatever happens God, even if it’s “worst-case-scenario” I just want to continue to believe that God is good and He is not a liar, but He keeps His promises to always do what is best for us.

·     If everything does go fine – fertility treatments will be a whole other story. Two different doctors now have told us that since I only have 1-half of a “good” uterus – the chances for multiple miscarriages is very high. We have been told that half of a uterus is too small to house/grow a baby so the general consensus has been that one pregnancy would stretch the uterus somewhat, but then that baby would most likely not survive. The second pregnancy would stretch the uterus a bit more, but then, again we may lose that baby. Hopefully by the third pregnancy the uterus would be stretched enough to carry close enough to full-term so that that baby would survive. This was a lot of information to take in and process. I’ll admit I’ve been to some dark places these past few months upon receiving this news. But you know what – God IS GOOD. This news didn’t surprise Him. He wasn’t caught off guard and He’s not worried about what is going to happen. Even now as I write this it just brings so much to mind – so much about His grace and goodness. SO MUCH about everything He has been teaching me in these past few months. This is definitely a matter worthy of it’s own post as well…

So, continuing on…

·     My husband got into wood-working and man he is so awesome at it!!! We are hoping to eventually turn it into a business for him…but that will come in time…preferably when we are in a house and he has a much larger work area!

·      I started working with a company which sells “natural” eco-friendly cleaning “products,” called Norwex! It is incredible. And I can’t even say how excited I am about it. It has opened so many doors for me and it is just crazy how God is working it all out. Just how He is working out our lives. This little thing that started out as me just wanting to make some extra cash (not to mention my husband and I need write-offs for taxes) turned into something I truly gained a passion for and lead me into other things I never knew I had a passion for, like product photography! It is just crazy how much God is working through all of this to give me these new joys in life! I suppose that could be a post of its own as well haha!

So…I guess that is it for now…

I am just so thankful. God has brought so many people into my life through so many unexpected ways these past few months and I truly just feel so blessed. Life has definitely not been a walk in the park this past year…but there have been so many incredible lessons in it all. I have grown so much…I still have so much growing to do…but I am so excited for everything and I am excited to share it all with you…I am excited to start writing again…even if they are little tiny posts about random things…or really long posts about intense things…I have missed it. I have missed you.

So…hopefully I’ll be back soon!

Until then, thank you for sticking with me.

Wilted flowers on a GOOD day

Last night I remembered how much I love red wine.

Today, I opened my apartment windows for the first time this year & remembered how much I love natural, fresh air blowing gently around me.

I also remembered that I wasn't wearing pants, AND that my neighbor was outside working on his car…the two don’t really go hand-in-hand…

Lately I have been singing at the top of my lungs in my car (okay - mom van…it’s a work vehicle) to Spanish music (currently soaking up and trying to learn as much Spanish as possible…)

Right now I’m drinking dandelion tea and I have garlic chicken and zucchini noodles cooking on my cute little 1950’s style oven…

I’m also debating whether or not I should regret the java chip frappuccino I had for breakfast and the Dr. Pepper I had for lunch…(to be fair I did have chicken and steamed veggies with it…) or if I should excuse my weaknesses and consider it just part of my attempt at a “balanced” lifestyle…(who am I kidding…I know NO balance…)

I’m in the middle of a hilarious texting conversation with one of my best friends in the world, listening to John Mark McMillan and thinking about continuing to read the book that I am the middle of.

Life is good.

There is a food program at my work every week day where we pick up produce and bread from local grocery stores and hand it out to low income families. Each morning, I choose to hand out the flowers. I’ve never understood why I always choose handing out the flowers as my job. That is, after all, what the clients are the most picky about.

“I want that house plant.”

“I don’t want those red roses, I want the yellow.”

“Can you pull out the eucalyptus from the (tightly wrapped) bouquet? I’m allergic.” (so am I…)

And don’t even get me started on the loose flowers that we receive and how pesky they can be when trying to bundle them into their own little group…

And Lord please, please don’t let me be foolish enough to make them uneven. If this bundle has 8 flowers, then they all must have 8 flowers. To accept anything less than balance and perfection is a ridiculous thought.

I make the clients sound so ungrateful…haha and I promise you - that is NOT my intention. I’m simply just trying to make the point that…some may be a little picky at times haha.

Yesterday I was handing the flowers out as usual and I got down to the last few pathetic looking (lets be honest - dead and ugly) flowers. Usually when I get to that point, I just stop handing them out and throw the rest away because who wants to be handed 3 wilting, browning, flowers, while struggling to hold 2 bags full of groceries, 3 loaves of bread, 1 carton of eggs and a half-gallon of milk? I’d rather get nothing at all. And I’d be sure that the look on my face made whoever was handing me the 3 wilting flowers, felt stupid for trying to do such a thing, when they see how much I am struggling.

But not Sheila.

Sheila is a new face in the crowd at my work. Like many of our clients, Sheila lived comfortably and had a decent amount of money for the majority of her life. Until recently. An unexpected health issue and several Doctors visits for her husband, and Sheila now has to stand in a line she never dreamed of standing in and receive food from a program that she never thought she would have to be apart of.

Now that doctor bills are a factor, their $1,800 (total) of Social Security a month leaves them with little-to-nothing left over for food and other living necessities. 

So here Sheila is.

And there she was yesterday morning as I was down to the last few wilted, browning, pathetic, dead flowers. I don’t know why I didn’t just throw them away…I think I just felt bad for the people who would have gotten nothing at all, somehow thinking that these ugly flowers were better than no flowers.

I picked up the yellow….daisy…looking one….the two floppy roses, and the last bit of greenery and handed it half-heartedly in Sheila’s direction.

Her smile was unreal.

“Oh my gosh, those are beautiful! I love yellow! Yellow is my favorite! Those are so beautiful! Thank you! Thank you so much! Have a great day!!”

I think I was more confused than anything.

Either Sheila was being completely sarcastic or Sheila crazy.

But that smile said it all.

I can’t get it out of my head.

Lately, I’ve had such negativity stuck in my head. Hurtful words have kept replaying. Insecurities have been haunting. Enough to where it has kept me from sleeping a night or two. Fear has curled up at my feet and, like my clingy, relentless three year old dog, has done everything it could to capture all of my attention.

But now, the only thing that has been stuck in my head, is Sheila’s smile.

How?

You have nothing but heartache and struggles - and I’m handing you something that was once beautiful, but is now ugly and smells like dirty, stale water.

And yet, not only do you smile - you THANK me. You genuinely thank me.

And you mean it.

This morning after we were cleaning up from the food program, I was speaking with one of the volunteers. Harold is an older man - maybe my grandfathers age. But you’d never know it. He has the charm and pep of a 30 year old man. And his heart is to just give, give, give. I constantly fear over-working him. He’s the one who shows up 45 minutes early to your previously scheduled meeting time and calls you 15 times asking where you are! haha…Harold is awesome.

A the end of our conversation I just looked at him and said, “It’s been a good morning.”

He agreed, “Yes it has. And it’s going to be a good day.” 

“I hope so.” I replied.

“Oh it’ll be a good day. You know why? Because I’m choosing for it to be.”

I don’t know much about Harold’s life. And I don’t know too much about Sheila’s life either. But I do know that they both make the CHOICE to be positive. They make the CHOICE for each day, no matter what happens, to be a good day.

They CHOOSE JOY.

When I got off work this evening, something happened. Something incredibly small, yes, but something that would normally bring up insecurities and discomfort in me. Something that had the potential to cause my “good day” to completely do a 180 and destroy it. Normally I would think and rethink and rethink and keep rethinking about something like this, until it mentally exhausted and depressed me.

But I thought about Sheila and Harold. And how they, without meaning to I’m sure, flicked some switch inside of me and helped to encourage me to look at life a little differently. The small, effortless actions and words that took up a quick second of their energy, somehow made a HUGE and (hopefully) lasting impact on me.

Their strength is giving me strength.

How many people do I come into contact with each day where I have the opportunity to strengthen them in that same way?

It’s so exciting to think about. The purpose, responsibility, and opportunity that God gives us to ENCOURAGE people. To share JOY with them. To LOVE them. To help them rewire their thinking and look at life with a little more positivity and hope. To HEAL them.

I can’t help but think about how we are all on our own little journey…mostly stuck in our own little worlds, thinking (and caring) nothing about what is going on with the people around us…and if we would just make the conscious decision each day to stop looking at the negative around us, but to breathe in the things that give us hope and joy and life. No matter how simple these things are. How much lighter would we be? And how much lighter could we make others if we were to share that with them?

That’s my goal.

To look at dead, ugly, wilted, pathetic flowers and instead of seeing them for what they appear to be and what everyone else may see them as, to see my favorite color and an omen for a GOOD day.