I didn’t plan on writing a blog entry this
evening…in fact, I’m supposed to be getting ready to leave right now…but I was
interrupted by a beautiful melody accompanied with unexpected emotions.
Beyonce’s song Halo, redone by Lotte Kestner – So beautiful.
Though I’ve certainly had some difficult
years, this past year was definitely my most insecure year yet.
I went through so much personally. I felt the
ugliest and most unwanted I’ve ever felt before. Which would seem strange –
since it’s been almost two years since I’ve felt anything even remotely
romantic for anyone…and with the lack of romantic feelings…you’d think there’d
be a lack of rejection feelings as well…But I’m not talking about romance
here…I’m just talking about…generality. I don’t think I used that word right.
Oh well.
Some incredible things happened this year,
things I could never explain without pointing it all back to Gods’ provision.
I’ve been challenged in ways that I really didn’t think I needed to be
challenged in. I would like to say that I grew a lot this year…but…I think I
just more searched for areas where I needed to grow…and then became
overwhelmed.
I came across this cute little book in my new
favorite eclectic store at the mall. A Q&A book: “365 questions, 5 years,
1,825 answers.” It’s a tool to help people see how much they change (or stay
the same) over 5 years. A different question each day, but the same question on
the same day over the course of 5 years…
Tomorrow starts with the question “What is
your mission?” (I cheated and already read it) And as silly as it may sound…I
can’t get that question out of my mind…
What is my mission…
To glorify/serve God of course.
Such a Christian
answer…you can tell I grew up in church…
But the true answer I can’t get out of my
mind is: To be better.
I always want to be better.
I want to GROW and CHANGE.
Yes I want to glorify and serve God…and I
want to be BETTER while doing it!!
When Lotte’s version of Halo came on…my eyes
just started tearing up. It’s been so long since I’ve thought about everything
that has happened these past few years…and I just thank God for how far He has
brought me…and for how He just always seems to find a way to do with me what He
wants. He never leaves…but even more…He
never lets me go.
I’ve felt pain this year…but it has been a
pain that I can’t really help…and as strange as it sounds…I’m so thankful for
it. I’m thankful because for once – it’s not pain that I brought on myself…it’s
pain that God has allowed…and through it – He’s molding me into the woman He
wants me to be.
I’m learning that it’s okay to let people and
things go that others might not think it’s okay to let go…like family members
who have brought too much hurt into my life…I’m learning that there are some
things that I just can’t control…and how freeing it is to just give it all to
God.
A lot happened this year…and each time I
think about it, I can’t help but think where I was this time last year and
where I will be a year from now. My mentor and I were talking about how this
time last year, I was thinking about moving out of Tehachapi and was praying
about places I need to apply to…thinking that Tehachapi could never and would
never offer me something that could hold me here…and now – I have what is
essentially my dream job…in Tehachapi. It’s incredible – this ever-changing
world we live in. It’s an adventure that God takes us on. And I want NOTHING
LESS than ADVENTURE!
So yeah – of course I want to BE BETTER! I
always want to work on what I need to work on and grow and change and be better!!!
I’m so excited for 2015. So excited that,
yes, I have gone so far as made some resolutions for myself…practical ones of
course…
well……
most of them =]
But I’m excited for the adventures and the
challenges and the unexpected twists and turns God will bring to my life…
So here’s to whatever 2015 has to offer: All
of its’ good and hard times…all of the growing and lack there of I will be
doing…
I'm as ready as I'll ever be...
Cheers!
