I had mentioned a while back that in February
I was giving/gave a talk at a retreat.
Some of this talk I recycled from one of my
blogs from awhile back.
But some of it was derived from newer
feelings.
I was super nervous to give the talk...even
though I have quite a bit of experience speaking in front of people…it still
makes me nervous every time, and I think this time it was more-so because it
was on something pretty personal.
And of course there are always those thoughts
of “what if no one cares about what I am saying and everyone hates it?!”
Haha…there’s always that!
But – I am really glad I did it. And I am/was
so thankful for the opportunity to
be able to share my heart with young girls.
At the end of my talk there was a Q & A
part where the girls were able to ask me questions about anything they wanted. And
I got a few pretty tough questions. But I was able to open up more about past
experiences with relationships and emphasize why it is so important
to look to God for everything that
we need and place our faith in Him and not another human being. Of course –
encouraging my little sisters to hold tight to Christ was an amazing
opportunity in itself – but being able to share more of my story with them and
use it as a testimony of how God can truly
heal us if we run to Him – that was priceless.
Anywho…
A few people have asked me what the talk was
on and what I was going to be saying about it, so I thought I would just post
it on here since the retreat has (clearly) come and gone.
So…why not?!
Enjoy =]
When I was first asked to give this talk, I was really excited!
“Of course, I’d love to” I replied…and thought. Even though I’ve only known for
the last six months that I was going to give this talk, I feel like I have been
preparing for it for the past two years.
But as I was gathering all my thoughts on it and praying about
what I wanted to say, I quickly realized how difficult the talk was going to be
for me. Because even though my friends and family and I seem to “talk” a lot
about the fact that I am single, I have come to realize that it is an extreme
rarity that I actually speak my true feelings on the subject.
My name is Michal, and the title of this talk is Single Life.
Last summer I went to a retreat where one of the leaders spoke on
the subject of singleness. I knew it was a talk that I needed to hear. I
struggled with loneliness SO much last year. More than I ever had before. I
felt insecure and unwanted and even went through several months where I not
only felt ugly and undesirable, but I was truly starting to believe that no one
could ever love me for who I am. I knew deep down that none of this was true
and that it was just insecurities from my past making me feel this way. So
hearing this talk on singleness was going to be my “ah-ha” moment…the moment
that was going to provide me with hope and comfort. It was going to show me
that I was not alone and I was FINALLY going to find absolute comfort in the
fact that God loves me just as I am and I don’t need anyone or anything else
besides Him.
This girl and I had so much in common after all; We’re both youth leaders, we both have what
is essentially our dream job, we both LOVE people, and……we are both single. How
could her words not pour light into my heart and destroy any doubt or
insecurity that I had? I was finally
going to be satisfied.
So, wide-eyed and anxious, I sat there listening to her talk…But the
more she spoke, the more her words broke my heart.
She loved her life, but she felt like she was missing something. And
the more and more she spoke…instead of her words filling me with comfort – what
she had to say only left me feeling disheartened. She looked at her singleness
as an inconvenience and a discomfort. She looked at it as not just a thorn in
her flesh, but something that held her back in life.
It’s true that being single has its limits in some areas…but is
that all it is really meant to be? A burden?
I graduated from college four years ago and moved back home one
year after that. Back to my hometown where everyone knew me. And that’s when
all the questions began. It was mostly those sweet, well-intentioned, yet pushy
older ladies at church who just wanted to make sure my life was right on
track…or rather, right on their track. For several months after being home,
each time I would run into someone I hadn’t seen yet, I would always get “The
Question”. The dreaded question about why I was not yet married. They always
seemed to have a plan for my life and every time I informed them that I wasn’t
married, or even dating, I would get the look…the look of great disapproval. My
life clearly wasn’t meeting their standards. And after months of getting the
question and the look, I started to believe that I was inadequate in some way.
That my life was somehow lacking because everyone else seemed to think it was. And
it really didn’t help that my friends were constantly trying to set me up on
dates, to which I was constantly refusing. Unfortunately, our time spent
together somehow started to turn into what felt like an interview for an online
dating website. It can be really disheartening when people are sad that you’re
not with the right man instead of just being happy that, for once, you’re not
with the wrong man.
I looked at all of my closest friends who were married and started
thinking about what it was that they did right and I did wrong. I started
falling into the trap of comparing myself to them, and developing a
discipline/reward mentality of God and His gifts.
After all, my friends did grow up being the “perfect” Christian
girls, while I, on the other hand, had made plenty of mistakes. Was God rewarding their behavior with marriage
and disciplining me for my behavior by not allowing me to get married?
My insecurities of being single started to become overwhelming.
And my view of God and His plan for me started to become dangerously warped. I
finally realized how bad it had gotten when a friend came to me one day with
incredibly exciting news. She told me that her and her husband were going to
have a baby!!! Literally, one of the only announcements that you could share to
even a complete stranger and it would excite them. But…sadly, I was not
excited. And I knew by her
appearance, that my reaction was substantially less than what my friend had
expected too. I may have been able to pull off a smiley “congratulations” at
the moment…and being my prying self, thankfully I had enough practice to make
it seem as if I wanted details…but later that day the more and more I thought
about it, the more and more jealous I became. And later that night…I cried
myself to sleep. I had allowed my insecurities to completely consume me. I was
living a life that kept me from being able to be happy for people who had what
I wanted because I was not happy with what I had. My singleness had become a thorn
in my flesh. And I was on a dangerous road. I couldn’t handle it any longer. I
wanted to be able to be happy for my friends and family, and anyone else who
was happy. I wanted to be able to rejoice with those who were rejoicing, even
if it meant rejoicing with them over something they had that I so deeply longed
for. I knew that my mindset and my heart were sorely wrong and I did not want
to live a life like that. Praise GOD for His grace. He quickly allowed me
to see just how toxic I was becoming to myself and others and immediately, He
pulled me out of there.
Everyone has a
different story. My story is not like your story and your story, is not like my
story. Our stories truly are unique. They’re special. We’re special. And NOT
ONE DETAIL of any of our stories goes to waste. Everything that happens in our
life has purpose. I am single for a reason. Though I may not have a specific
answer for you as to why I am single, I know God has one. And it doesn’t matter
if my life is not meeting the standards that someone else has set for me, because
honestly, they aren’t the One in charge and they definitely are not the One I
serve.
Once we get a hold on
the truth that each of our lives is different, then we are able to be free to
figure out why our life is unique and what God has for us.
There are many
different reasons people can be single. For some people, being single is a
choice. They just simply don’t have the desire to be with another person. Maybe
they feel they are better off alone. Maybe they have the desire to only serve
God for the rest of their life and not have to have a family to look after. Other
people are single because they just don’t know of anyone they are interested
in. Which is fine too, as long as they are obeying Christ and following what He
wants for their life. For me, I’m not single because I don’t want to be with
anyone, or because I don’t have anyone to be with, I am single because I want
to obey God in all that I do and live a life that pleases Him, and right now
for me, that means being single.
But…to be honest…It’s
not that easy. In fact it is the complete opposite. Because of past
experiences, I know how easily I get swept away in relationships and I know
that no matter how great my feelings and emotions run, my relationship with God
needs to come before everything. And because I am single right now, I am able
to spend time working on that. I am able to deepen my relationship with Christ
and learn more about who I am and work on myself, without having to work with
someone else too. I am able to prepare myself for whatever God has for me.
Because I am single, I
am able to do so many things that I would not be able to do if I were in a
relationship or married. For example, my job is very demanding, both physically
and emotionally – and because I am single, I am able to freely meet those
demands because I don’t have a husband and children to care for. Another perk
of being single, is I am able to go where I want, when I want without having to
ask permission from anyone or having to load up a van full of kids.
Being single is great.
Mostly because I know that is what God has for me right now, but it can be very difficult at times. I
deeply desire companionship and intimacy with the man of my dreams, the man
that God has for me. It can be really
hard when all of your best friends are out on date nights with their husbands
and you’re sitting at home watching movies with your dog. And yes, I have grown
used to being the “third wheel” but thankfully I have incredible friends who
never leave me out.
But I really can’t wait to fall in love and get married and be
able to have a “sleep over” every night with my best friend. I can’t wait for
the simple things like making dinner together and painting furniture and
watching old movies and going to marriage retreats. But I know that even though
I might become lonely at times, I am never alone. One of the most comforting
verses is Isaiah 41:13 “For I hold you by your right hand – I, the Lord your
God. And I say to you, ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.’” God HOLDS OUR
HANDS!!! GOD!! The SAME God who guided the Israelites to the land of milk and
honey. The SAME God who tore down the walls of Jericho and changed the hearts
of the Ninevites. The SAME GOD who sent His only Son to be a sacrifice for us. The
CREATER of the UNIVERSE is RIGHT HERE WITH US, pushing us, pulling us, leading us – helping
us! I couldn’t imagine a more comforting thing. And I
pray every day that He changes my desires to what His desires are for me.
Whether that means that I fall madly in love tomorrow, 10 years from now, or
never – I will still be completely satisfied and joyful in life, because I will
be living out His plan for me.
Another difficult part about being
single is feeling like I have let my family down in some way. I know they would
never say anything to make me feel like I am letting them down, and I pray they
never actually do feel that way, but in just a few months, I will 27 years old
and I know how much they desire grandkids. And I would love for nothing more
than to be able to give them beautiful sweet grandbabies, but for now, it’s
just not something I am able to provide them with.
But, I know that I can rest in the
fact that God will ALWAYS do what is best for me. Matthew 6:31-33 states; “So don’t
worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What
will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your
heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all
else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Our God
is a God of promises. And He delivers. He knows our needs before even we know
them. And He NEVER fails to pull through. I believe that He can still move
mountains and talk through burning bushes and wrestle us in our sleep! He is
GREAT and MIGHTY and JUST and He will do whatever He needs to make sure we are
living just for HIM. And He will ALWAYS give us what we need, so we never need
to worry about what we don’t have.
My hope and prayer is that every girl finds herself in Christ
before she try’s to find a man. No matter how lonely we may become at times, it
is so important that we do not allow our feelings to govern our actions. I have
several friends who have allowed their insecurities and fears to control them
to the point where they have gotten married…and then divorced. And I, myself, personally
know the pain and heartache, and even abuse that can occur when we allow
ourselves to become impatient and get into a relationship with the wrong
person.
Being married or being in a relationship is not what completes you
or makes you whole. Colossians 2:10 says, “So you also are complete through
your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.” God is
the one who completes us. Not another human being. And it is SO important that
we realize that He has created a desire in us that ONLY HE can fill. That is
how much He loves us and desires US! He has created in us a desire for
something so big and so great that nothing else besides Him can fill it.
So don’t worry if your life is or is not where others say it
should be. If you’re living your life for Christ and seeking to glorify Him in
all that you do, you’re right where GOD wants you to be.
Isaiah 62:5, “Your children will commit themselves to you, O
Jerusalem, just as a young man commits himself to his bride. Then God will
rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.”
God REJOICES…OVER US!!! What more could we need?!
