If, by chance, this could be enough…

I got home around 11:30 last night, picked up my computer and laid in my bed.

Planning on writing a blog post about something completely different.

But for some reason you came into my mind.

I honestly can’t say I’m surprised.

Lately I have been thinking about what I truly want in life. And pieces of your character keep popping into my mind.

It’s been awhile since we have really talked – a little over a year, actually.

I thought about reaching out to you a little over a week ago – the last time we spoke, things ended roughly. And the last thing you said to me proved that my actions cut you deeply.

I don’t think you’re immature or petty for being so hurt over it all. Though I wish you would have extended more grace to me – because I was only doing what I felt right. But I still empathize with and understand your anger.

So it feels wrong to think that merely texting you would be enough.

I know what it’s like to receive a “simple” text from someone, explaining how “sorry” they are, and dismissing it as a half-minded, effortless action. Texting is just simply not enough. Anyone can send a text. You deserve much more.

And that is exactly what stopped me from reaching out to you – in any form – You deserve much more.

Over the years, you have known exactly where your feelings have stood with me. But I have not ever understood the level of my feelings for you – and you deserve much more.

But even though I have been confused at times – I have always known that you are my good friend – and you deserve much more.

I have had my emotions messed with and my heart taken for granted before (just recently in fact) – and you deserve much more.

You were there for me through two of the craziest times in my life. You always seem to understand everything I was going through and extend comfort and healing words in a way that few other people have exhibited to me. But I’m not sure I was ever there for you exactly the way you were for me – and you deserve SO much more.

You know how they say if you love someone let them go? I am not sure if that is what’s going on here – I know I love you as a best friend. You were there with me for so long – through so many different things. If I were in love with you – I would have never let you go – I would have done anything to be with you. And I would be doing everything I could, at this very moment, to reach out to you and fight for you. I would never let my efforts for you to be mistaken as half-assed, second-thought attempts. But because I’m not in love with you – I knew I needed to let you go. Because that’s what you deserve. You don’t deserve to just be “the best friend” or the “brother figure”. You deserve much more.

So please understand – though it may make no difference now – understand that I DO care about you. I always have. And I miss you so much. But I see that you are genuinely happy. And that is exactly what you deserve.

It is strange how you were once such a major part of my life, and now, I barely know you. It’s kind of strange, in a way, going through things and not having you there to talk to about it. I can’t meet one person and keep from telling them about you. I tell them about how you were my best friend and you were there for me through everything. I tell them about how you allowed me to be 100% myself and took me just as I was. I tell them about how you accepted me back into your life after my abusive relationship, and you stood there with me and had patience when I was still dealing with the effects of it all. You showed me a love that could have only come from the strength of God. You listened to me cry. You had grace when I misinterpreted your instructions as being controlling, when you were only trying to give friendly advice. Lunch dates with you were some of my favorite. The way we could just be idiots and laugh uncontrollably while the world just looked at us like we were insane. I know there were times that I made you so angry. And you weren’t always the easiest person either. But that’s what I loved. I could yell at you and tell you how annoying and insane you were being and you could do the same to me…we could be honest about how we were feeling towards each other. Just like best friends should be able to. Then five minutes later we could be watching the next episode of Are You Afraid of The Dark and making fun of the actors like we were apart of Mystery Science Theater.

If I could tell you one last thing, it would be that I am genuinely so happy for you. I have never seen you this happy. And it is incredible. You truly deserve the best. A few nights ago I prayed for you and thanked God that He brought someone into your life that could give you just what you deserve. Seeing you so full of joy, literally, brings so much joy to me.

And that’s how I know that I genuinely love you.

And that’s why I just can’t allow myself to reach out to you.

Because you finally have what you deserve.

I know that our friendship was a season in my life. You have been a gift from God. You have taught me so much and helped me to grow in so many ways. You kept pushing me to be better and to overcome my struggles. I miss your encouragement so much. But I know I cant allow my selfishness of wanting my “good friend” back, to throw even the slightest wedge in what you have now. Not saying you miss me any…but I respect you and what you have now way too much to ever try to disturb it.

But…at the risk of sounding like a cheesy Taylor Swift song – every time I think about you and don’t reach out to you, I almost do.

Thank you for always being the best of friend to me. Thank you for showing me that there are people who can love me just as I am. Thank you for showing me that I should never settle for less than what God has for me in life…

Because I deserve SO much more.

sweet child(ren) of mine

I know a girl named Jane. Jane is in high school and every day she writes poems. She gives me these poems to read and asks me what I think about them. I (kind of) joke around with her and tell her how depressing they are and how she should write something happy for once. She may think that her miniature poems are as arduous as riddles to me, but I’m not blind to the fact that these “riddles” are windows to Jane’s soul. These riddles scream out the hurt she has gone through and the pain she harbors. These riddles are more than words on a paper – they are an outlet of her confusion and anger. Jane, along with her brothers and sisters, was taken away from her mother and father at a young age because of the mother and fathers’ inability to lead healthy lives. Jane smiles and laughs and seems secure and confident. But it’s all a mask.

I also know a girl named Shiloh. ALL Shiloh does is laugh. Her smile and giggle could bring joy to even the grumpiest of critics. Shiloh is VERY outgoing and friendly – maybe too outgoing for her age. Shiloh is in junior high and was taken from her mother (who gave birth to Shiloh when she was just 14 years old) at a very young age. Shiloh’s mother is an addict and has no contact with her daughter. Because she was abandoned at such a young age, Shiloh now has severe trust issues. She is codependent and looks for acceptance in ALL the wrong places.

Dylan is also in junior high. His parents are divorced. His mom is a drug addict and his father is homeless. Dylan was given his fathers old guitar and was so proud of it that he refused to accept a brand new case for it, and instead wanted keep the old ripped case that he had to tie together with a shoe string, because it was the one his father gave him.

Justin and David are brothers. Even though they are in junior high, they know things well beyond their years. They repeat things that they could have only learned at home. Discipline and respect are a HUGE issue with Justin and David. While displaying “tough love” to them one day, a co-worker and I had our assumptions reaffirmed: instead of being spoken to like human beings with worth, the two boys are constantly yelled at and talked to in degrading manners. Leaving them feeling that they are something far from the truth: worthless and unlovable.

What can be difficult to remember most of the time is – that these kids are in my life because they have a difficult time dealing with their own life. They are looking for a form of escape and a safe haven – something that I and my co-workers are able to provide for them.

I could go on and on about others like Jane and Shiloh and Dylan and Justin and David…because even though Jane and Shiloh and Dylan and Justin and David may not be real names, Jane and Shiloh and Dylan and Justin and David are real kids whom I happen to have contact with, along with many others like them, every week day.

It is obvious to say that these kids need a Savior. But it might be less obvious to say that, each day, these kids save me, in a way that I continually over-look, dismiss and ignore.

They save me from believing that life is all about me.

They save me from living in my own world, with my own problems, and my own hurt. They pull me out of my selfishness and give me life. Because each day – these kids live.

They choose to keep going – fighting through whatever life throws their way.

And I see them fall and get back up again. I see them learn and grow.

I see them take the poor cards they have been dealt in life and try to make the best of all that they cannot control.

I see these kids dream real dreams. And cry real tears.

I see them have more strength than I could ever imagine.

These kids didn’t choose to be born into the lives they were given – but each day they choose to not be overcome by it.

learning to dare greatly

Where have I been the past few months…?

Good question…

I have been all over the place.

I have been losing myself and gaining myself.

I have been trying and failing and growing and conquering.

I have been learning so many things…good…and bad…

I have been surprising myself in good ways and bad…

It’s scary how easily I forget where I came from.

It’s scary how easily I allow my current situations grab ahold of me and make me believe something that is completely untrue.

Sometimes I allow myself to get in situations that lead me to believe that I have no idea who I am.

But HE always brings me back.

It’s scary how the way one person can treat us, has the power to build or break us.

It’s frightening how one person can tear someone to their core and make them believe they have to settle. Or that what they are offering is what they deserve for the rest of their lives.

It’s scary how much hurt people have the ability to hurt people.

And it is terrifying how much unhealthy people learn to put on a seemingly healthy mask…they aren’t able to wear it for long of course…only long enough to pull someone in.

But I wont allow my mistakes to break me. Instead of looking at it as a step back – I choose to see it as a growing experience.

And I will forgive. Because He forgives me every day. and because forgiving is healing. And not forgiving – is a plague that suffocates us.

I choose to not be overtaken by anger or sadness.

Instead I will remember that there are much greater things in the world than myself.

I have purpose. Purpose that not even I can run from.

Every time I start to hurt – I will think of the children I see every day who come from unhealthy home-lives. The ones who have no choice in their situation. The ones who know more hurt than I could ever imagine.

And I will look at my attempts as victory – because without attempts – my life would be at a stand still. And if I had never took a chance – I would have never known that I can love again. Not only that – I would have never known that I am capable of putting someone else before myself. And I am capable of a (halfway) decent and healthy relationship.

I may have taken a step-backwards in the eyes of the world – but in my eyes – I conquered more than I could have ever dreamed possible.

I may have failed. But I dared greatly in doing so.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

- Theodore Roosevelt

“There’s no equation where taking risks, braving uncertainty, and opening ourselves up to emotional exposure equals weakness…vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.” 

– Brene Brown

Lets start a riot over caramel syrup

Last month I spent a week in Seattle with one of the kindest person I have ever known. I have written about this person before…a few years ago probably – about how much she, by her actions alone, convicts me of the importance of kindness and I mentioned that she even has a blog devoted to showing kindness (which you can read here).

I have always “known” that Leah is a very kind person – but when I spent a week with her in Seattle – I actually got to witness it firsthand every day.

From things like asking the clerk at the grocery store how their day is going, to writing “Thank you” on the “merchant copy” of her receipts at restaurants - she is always  radiating some sort of kindness. But the thing with Leah is – she actually means the things she says and does and it is so natural to her that it would be difficult for me to believe if she even debates whether or not to show kindness or ever has any hesitation of doing it – it’s just what she does.

And being around her really challenges me.

I am currently in the middle of reading a book called “Daring Greatly” by Brené Brown. The book itself is on the importance of being vulnerable – and it is an amazing book. For anyone who likes to read applicable-research books – I highly recommend this one. The only downside is that I do not believe Brené is a Christian – at least she never confesses to be and there are some things she says in her book that leads me to believe that she is not. But I first heard of her when I went to a Christian Leadership conference that she spoke at a few weeks ago – so I know she is not completely opposed to Christianity…haha...

Anywho…

In one chapter of the book it talks about the masks and armor that we use to hide when we are trying to escape from being vulnerable. Brené talks about the behaviors that we use to numb ourselves in attempt to avoid vulnerability and how these behaviors do not only affect us – but they also affect the people around us. In the chapter she inserts an article that she wrote a few years ago about cell phones and disconnection for the Houston Chronicle. Before you continue to read what I have to say…go read her article here. It will seriously take you like 2 minutes.

Seriously. GO.

No…really…READ IT!!

K good job!!!

“When we treat people as objects, we dehumanize them. We do something really terrible to their souls and to our own.”

“I'm not suggesting that we engage in a deep, meaningful relationship with the man who works at the cleaners or the woman who works at the drive-through, but I am suggesting that we stop dehumanizing people and start looking them in the eye when we speak to them. If we don't have the energy or time to do that, we should stay at home.”

If those two comments did not stand out to you then something is wrong.

I can’t get that word out of my head…”we dehumanize them”…

My heart and mind just stopped when I first read that.

But it’s so true isn’t it?

I was a waitress for several years – so I know just what this article is talking about. To some people – I was a person who worked at a restaurant and not only was I helping meet their nutritional needs, but I had a life and feelings and I breathed the same air they did  – but to other people – I was their servant. **Their life-less, feeling-less, emotion-less, insignificant servant. Some people can be very rude. Especially when it comes to food.

I am no longer a waitress, but just the other day I had a “run-in” with a lady (a senior citizen mind you) whom I was trying to help and she crumbled up a piece of paper, threw it in my face and then called me a “stupid b*tch” as she walked out the door.

It would not be completely accurate for me to say that I am “used” to this kind of behavior from people – but I have definitely learned to laugh it off – at least when it comes from someone I am not emotionally attached to. If it had been someone I loved who did that to me…I’m sure my feelings on the matter would be completely different.

But that was me on a good day.

And I was able to separate my emotion from the situation and was able to recognize that this lady was stressed and frustrated and…she may or may not have been under the influence of something other than “stress and frustration.”

If I were having a bad day…I probably would not have been able to brush it off as easily.

Remember my rantings on “Conversing with Mrs. Potty Mouth”? I mentioned how later on that night, on the drive home, I started wondering what was going on in this lady’s life that was making her act the way she did…and I even recognized that I could have handled the situation better…no matter how angry it made me.

Just imagine if no one in this world practiced self-awareness. What an awful place we would live in. If you think it’s an “every man for himself-dog-eat-dog” world right now – just think about how it would be then…

It’s easy to get swept up in your day. I know that all too well. And it is easy to make excuses like; “I have a lot on my mind” or “I’m stressed” or “everyone has their bad days – they understand” – I know those all too well.

But do you know what else is easy to do? Treat people like actual human beings. Human beings that matter and have lives and have just as much stress and pain and things to do as we do.

Somehow we have made kindness out to be this extremely difficult thing. But it only seems difficult because it is typically not the norm. We may be in pain or having a bad day or have a lot of distractions on our mind – but when we look at our actions as being potentially damaging to another persons’ soul…how hard is it to lay aside whatever is going on in our minds/lives for a few minutes and show someone else that they actually matter. And what they do matters.

It could be something as simple as looking up from our phones to look someone in the eye and smile at them – letting them know that you actually acknowledge their presence.

It could be sending a text or giving someone a phone call and just asking them how their life has been – showing them that you appreciate the fact that they even trust you in their life.

It could be asking a grocery store clerk how their day is going instead of waiting for them to ask you first – or writing a simple “Thank you” on your lunch receipt when you give it back to the waitress.

Or even buying someone’s coffee at Starbucks.

Sending flowers or writing cards…

I do believe that kindness is contagious.

And that it is possible to turn someone’s day around for the better just by giving a simple smile or a hug or a text.

You never know what someone is going through. If there is one thing I have learned – it is that people – you and I – are VERY good at wearing masks. It’s like second nature for us to go into “flight” mode and cover up how we are truly feeling. So I try to remind myself that just because someone puts on a smile doesn’t mean that is how they are actually feeling.

Maybe the person they came into contact with right before you just yelled at them or cussed them out.

I was in Starbucks the other day and my friend who works there told me that a lady in the drive thru was yelling at her co-worker because they were out of caramel syrup.

Caramel syrup.

Really?

You’re going to yell at someone and DEHUMANIZE them over caramel syrup?

I mean – I love a good caramel macchiato just as much as the next person who pays way too much for their cup of milk and sugar but seriously. Caramel syrup…

It’s so sad…

But I have to believe that something can be done.

I have to.

My desire for today and every day is to start a chain reaction of kindness…a pay-it-forward.

Sometimes I hold myself back – waiting for the “perfect” moment or the “perfect” thing to say – but I have learned that there really is no such thing as perfect and to act (in a kind manner) is better than to not act at all. Even if I don’t know what to say or how to say it – when it comes to showing someone how much I care about them – none of that matters. All that matters is that I actually do something to show them I care for and appreciate them.

If I can stop even just one person from stepping off that edge into an ocean of shameful tears – then every action I make is worth it.

No matter how bad my day might go – I still want to give other people a reason to smile.

So let’s not wait anymore! Let’s just go do it! (I may or may not have had help with writing this from Shia LaBeouf)