Somewhere
along the way I have rewired myself to tear myself down because of
decisions/mistakes I make.
“You’re way
too hard on yourself Michal” – a statement I have gotten from several different
people in the last few days.
What do you
do when you have screwed up, after having so much confidence in yourself and
your decisions? Especially when other people have placed confidence in you and
then when you let them down by making a very poor decision? How far do you have
to fall?
I am sure I
have said this before – I am disgusting. I am rude, arrogant, prideful, catty,
petty, dramatic, selfish, and untrustworthy.
That is my
human nature.
But with
Christ – I don’t have to be that way.
I started
having waaaay too much faith in myself and put too much pride in my decisions
and actions that I think I was definitely taking my attention away from Christ
and my need of His power over me. So, God really let me humble myself by making
some really dumb decisions…
My
devotional the other day was perfect for me: “If I will simply hand myself over
to Him, I will never have to experience the terrible possibilities that lie
within my heart.”
Even though
this “lesson” absolutely sucks right now, I still love it and I am so thankful
for it.
But
seriously – I thought I was past this stage in life…
I have made
extremely selfish and immature decisions lately. I’d never deny that, but I
think that I am afraid to admit it. I try so much and so hard to just be
perfect. I know I never will be. But I try. But when I do this…I am not being
genuine with others or myself.
And because
of these decisions, lately…I am threatened with the thought that I don’t even
really know who I am.
And every
time I think about that and how I have screwed up in a way I never even thought
possible, all that comes to my head when I say to myself “I never thought I’d
be this kind of girl again…” is the following line from Juno: “I don’t know
what kind of girl I am.”
Haha okay –
my struggle is not the same one Juno and her father were referring to in the
movie, but still – the words can apply to my feelings of my recent situation.
But I know
why I am struggling so much with this and not feeling like myself…there is only
one answer…
I have been
putting way too much faith in myself instead of putting it in Christ. I have
been placing my identity in myself and my actions and my words, instead of
placing it all in God.
Seriously…another
lesson I really thought I had learned such a long time ago.
I want to be
strong. I want to be mature. I want to make all the right decisions and do and
say all of the right things…
But
unfortunately…that is not me. And as much as I try to live up to that
expectation and dream, if I lead others to believe that that person really is
me, when I do make a mistake, it will be me falling off of a “pedestal” and
anyone who has placed me on it, will most likely have the hardest time
forgiving me – if they ever do.
This perfect
person who says and does all of the right things is not me; not because I am a
horrible person, but because I am human. I still have struggles and hangups. And
I’m still a sinner. And I always will be.
The only
thing that is giving me comfort lately is knowing that no matter what, God is
in control. And even though my mistakes and poor decisions at times seem like
far more than I can deal with, they are not too much for my Heavenly Father to
handle.
“Fill your
mind with the thought that God is there. And once your mind is truly filled
with that thought, when you experience difficulties it will be as easy as
breathing for you to remember, ‘My heavenly Father knows all about this’…Keep
the thought that the mind of God is behind all things strong and growing. Not
even the smallest detail of life happens unless God’s will is behind it.
Therefore, you can rest in perfect confidence in Him.”
This whole
experience has humbled me so much.
There have
been plenty of times this past week where I have felt like I failed.
Like I was
put through a test, and the decisions I made only brought me to one big
negative end that leaves other people hurt and me as the perpetrator.
But Satan
knows my weaknesses. He knows that I have a tendency to be hard on myself. He
knows I struggle with wanting to be perfect and when I cannot measure up to
that, he knows how easily I can hate myself for making a mistake.
So why do I
so often let him win?
I’m
constantly brought back to something my friend told me a few years ago: “Satan
can bring you down, but you have to give him the power to do so.”
I think I
really give Satan power when I try to be this “perfect” person. But this
thought to me is so crazy, because I do try to always be as genuine as I can
be…lately though, I have realized that it is not my struggles of “imperfection”
that I have a hard time admitting…but it is my struggle of desiring perfection
that I hate admitting.
Why is this?
Well –
probably because I know that as much as I want to be – I will never be perfect.
Yet, I still have this powerful desire inside of me that yearns for this
unreachable standard.
I will admit
to my “ugly” sins and hangups – sure. Those are undeniable and obvious…those
are…natural and a daily occurrence.
But this
desire to be perfect…that is something I never want to admit.
Hopefully
this is all making sense…
The bottom
line is…I can try to do and say the right things all I want and put on an act
to everyone around me and make them believe that I am so “perfect” but when I
lead them to believe this…I will only hurt them and myself in the end because
as soon as I show any sign of imperfection, it will look as if I am someone
completely different than who these people “thought” I was…when really…it is
still me…it is just a more “human” side of me…
“If it is
only because of my preaching that people desire to be better, they will never
get close to Jesus Christ. Anything that flatters me…will result in making me a
traitor to Jesus.”
If people
put too much faith in us – when we stumble or let them down, it will be
extremely difficult for us to recover from that in their eyes because their
faith has been in how “great” we are instead of how Great God is.
People
always say that our “character” is in our “actions”. What we do – defines who
we are. And in a sense, this does seem correct. But it hit me when I read in my
devotional, “My character determines whether or not truth can be revealed to
me.” We are sinners. We are arrogant, prideful, selfish beings. And we always
will be. But our character of who we are lies within the truth of us knowing
that about ourselves. Our actions do say a lot about us, yes, but it has been
my experience that ANY human being is capable of ANY action when put in certain
situations. Not fun to say, no…and yes, of course it does say a lot about us as
people…but that is why we need to put our faith in Christ, instead of ourselves.
Moving
on…
Another
thing I struggle with – a sharp tongue.
I am very
thankful to say though, that this is something that I have gotten so much
better at. I have learned that if I am not careful, I can easily rip someone to
shreds with my words after they have hurt me. I have had to remind myself daily
that this is not the person I want to be and I never want to hurt someone with
my words just because they have hurt me.
As
“highschool” as Relient K may be…I find so much weight in the following words from
their song “Bite My Tongue”:
“It seems
I’m always closed minded with an open mouth and the worst of me just seems to
come right out. I’ve never broken bones with a stone or a stick but I’ll
conjure up a phrase that can cut to the quick.”
When someone
who says they care for us, ends up hurting us…it’s easy to cut into them and
say things that we know they are sensitive to…
So sad.
Words are so
funny. You can always say more and more, but you can never take any back. So
whether it be with your words or actions - Don’t let someone who has hurt you,
turn you into someone you hate. “The only words you’ll regret more than the
ones left unsaid, are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.”
If we really
care that much about each other then why do we want to hurt each other in such
personal ways…
Maybe
because – we are hurt. And hurt people, hurt people.
I always
want to know the reason of why things have to happen. But my devotional a few
weeks ago really hit me hard:
“God is my
Father, He loves me, and I will never think anything that He will forget, so
why should I worry?”
We don’t
need to know why things are happening to us – we always want to – of course!
But our need to know why is only coming from our need to be in control of it
all. If we knew why things happened the way the did, it would only tempt us to
create a different outcome to our experience – one more desirable for us. But
perhaps that is not the outcome that Christ has for us. The important thing is
that He knows what He is doing. And He knows why He is doing it and He knows
the outcome He wants us to have. He doesn’t need our help or our input on the
situation, all He asks is that we trust in Him and have faith that He knows
what He is doing and that no matter what, He will ALWAYS do what is best for
us.
And
typically – I’d want to run. Run from my mistakes and the people involved in
them and everyone else who knows about them. And I would run as far away as I
could get.
But that is
not what I am called to do. And I am SO thankful for that. Because now that I
have made a mistake – people can choose. They can choose to be disappointed and
no longer be around me or they can choose to love me. They can choose to love
every part of me. They can see that I am not perfect and I am so unworthy, but
they can choose to see my heart and love me for every imperfection and every
mistake and every humanly part inside of me that occasionally gets the best of
me. Instead of having relationships built on false-pretenses that I am perfect
and I have learned from every mistake that I have made and I will never hurt or
disappoint; I can have relationships built on genuineness and forgiveness and
grace and love. The same thing my relationship with Christ is built on.
Unfortunately,
having the heart broken over and over again does not get any easier. But
fortunately, seeing God’s hand in the healing process does get easier. As hard
as it may be to go through painful experiences, the more you go through, the
easier it is to find that God’s hand is always there and He has brought you
through so much already and He will continue to bring you through everything
heartbreak to come.
I have to
believe more and more that everything happens for a reason. And whatever the
outcome will be – I don’t need to know – all I need to know is that God is in
control. And He is just continually telling me to just give it to Him. It’s
that simple. Just give it to Him.
“A spiritually vigorous saint never believes
that his circumstances simply happen at random, nor does he ever thing of his
life as being divided into the secular and the sacred. He sees every situation
in which he finds himself as the means of obtaining a greater knowledge of
Jesus Christ, and he has an attitude of unrestrained abandon and total
surrender about him.”
No matter
what mistakes we make in life – we will ALWAYS be children of God. And no
matter how lost we may feel at times and are struggling with who we really are,
God knows exactly where we are and who we are and He will always love us no
matter how much we don’t seem to love ourselves at the moment.
And
honestly…Thank God for the amazing support system of friends and family that He
has given me. Seriously – without them and their encouragement and honesty, I
would be so lost right now…
Brokenness Aside
All Sons and Daughters
Will Your grace run out if I let You down?
‘Cause all I know is how to run.
‘Cause I am a sinner, if it’s not one thing
it’s another.
Caught up in words, tangled in lies.
But You are the Savior and You take
brokenness aside
And make it beautiful, beautiful.
Will You call me child when I tell You lies?
‘Cause all I know is how to cry.
‘Cause I am a sinner, if it’s not one thing
it’s another.
Caught up in words, tangled in lies.
But You are the Savior and You take
brokenness aside
And make it beautiful, beautiful.
“God’s
training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for
sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our
obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call
preparation, God sees as the goal itself.
God’s
purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right
now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to
the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the
goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.”
- Oswald Chambers
Reason to Sing
All Sons and Daughters
When the pieces seem too shattered, to gather off
the floor
And all that seems to matter is that I don't feel
you anymore
No I don't feel you anymore
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing
When I'm overcome by fear and I hate everything I
know
If this waiting lasts forever, I'm afraid I might
let go
I'm afraid I might let go
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing
Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now
Oh Lord
Your peace is the melody
You sing it over me now
Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now
Oh Lord
Your peace is the melody
Will You sing it over me now
I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
The whole world in Your hands
That is a reason to sing
