I know I’ve written about “words” before…or at least…I know
I devoted one whole entry just to pictures expressing how much weight words
hold…
But I have been reminded these past few days just how much
of an impact words can have in life.
Okay – so I lost my voice…completely…and let me just say, I
have noticed how incredibly quiet the world really is without my ongoing,
rambling! Haha...seriously…
I am currently back in Phoenix for the week and it really
sucks because I am with my friends who I have not spent too much time with in
the past few months, and I can hardly even socialize with them!!!!!! And I am
meeting new people, and I am halted from being my nosey, outgoing self and
learning everything about them in the first 5 seconds of meeting them because I
have no voice!!! So, I just catch myself creepily staring at them with a huge,
exaggerated smile, hoping they’ll magically be able to read my thoughts and
just answer every question I have in my head without me having to struggle with
vocalizing it!!! It is sooooo frustrating!! Haha…
But that is not the only reason I have been thinking about
how much of a value words hold…
If we choose so…words can be uplifting and life changing.
They can make a person’s world whole. They can save lives. They can bring
healing to the most hurt and broken people.
I still remember specific words that people have spoken to
me at certain times in my life.
I remember bits and pieces of sermons that have stuck out to
me, which to this day, have continued to grow and encourage me.
I remember uplifting words that friends have spoken to me
when I have gone through hard times.
I remember words that I hope will stick with me forever because
of how comforting they continue to be.
But I also remember words I never wanted to hear.
I remember words of rejection and hurt.
I remember words that created insecurities and doubt in me.
And at times, when I allow myself, I replay certain hurtful
things that certain people have said to me, over in my mind…
Not the healthiest thing to do, some would say…but in most
cases when I allow myself to do this…it is because I am protecting myself…not
in a crazy obsessive “I’ll use these words to block myself off from the world
and push people away” sort of protecting…that wouldn’t really be me protecting
myself…rather, it would be me avoiding much needed healing from things I have
been hurt by…but protecting myself by using the words as a reminder of why I
should or should not do something.
For example: When I was really young, I spent a lot of time
with my grandparents. I remember one time when I was at their house; I was
painting a picture on their table and had gotten some paint on their nice white
carpet. I remember my grandpa being SOOOOO furious with me that he yelled at me
for a few minutes straight telling me to never paint over the carpet again and he
frightened me so much that I peed myself!!! (And it was crazy because somehow
my grandma knew that I had to pee so right after my grandpa got through yelling
at me, my grandma told me I could go to the bathroom now...)
Anywho…embarrassing? Yes! But from that day on, you can bet I never painted
over their carpet again!
Haha okay…maybe that example was a liiiiiiiittle too
personal…(clearly losing my voice is a dangerous thing because when I finally
get ahold of some form of communication, who knows what sorts of things will
come out!)
But the gist of my point definitely applies…I replayed the
words of my grandfather telling me to never paint over the carpet again (and me
peeing myself) and I used it to remind myself to never do it again.
I will be the first to admit that I, at times, can be a
pretty insecure person. But, because I know this about myself, I have learned
how crucial it is for me to explore these insecurities and locate the root of them.
But there was a time, where I would take my insecurities
only for how they made me feel, and I would never take the time to maturely
discover what created them. I’d just jump to putting myself into defense mode
and lash out at whatever or whoever I thought made me feel insecure.
Now, for the most part, I am so aware of how other peoples
words affect me, that I hope I also stay aware of how my words can affect
others.
Of course, most negative words that I hear directed towards
me, still create insecurities in me, but for the most part…I have learned to
use these words to push me away from negative things and into positive things…
And THESE are the words that have helped mold and shape me
into the person I am today.
Maybe I remember words that you, yourself have said to me…
Maybe they were negative things you said to me…
Or maybe they were encouraging things you said to me…
Either way, it is possible that you have helped mold me into
who I am at this very moment…and for that…I am very thankful for whatever words
you used…
But I will admit…that there are words that I have heard that
have tempted me to be someone I would not be proud of.
When someone uses words to hurt me, I automatically go into
defense mode. Whether or not I show it…I most likely am lashing out (in my
mind) with a hurtful response…
I used to act on this “defense” and turn into a loose cannon
and let whatever came to mind just come out of my mouth…
One of my favorite “go-to” movies to watch while I’m sick is
You’ve Got Mail…I think it’s because in the movie, Meg Ryan gets sick and Tom
Hanks brings her daisy’s and its just such a cute story…anywho…in the movie Meg
Ryan’s character and Tom Hanks character are emailing back and forth and
talking about lashing out at people who hurt them…Tom Hanks character is saying
that he feels like he is becoming the worst version of himself because when
someone offends him, he basically gives it back even worse…and their
conversation always comes to mind when I think about this stuff:
MR: “What happens to me when I’m provoked is that I get
tongue-tied and my mind goes blank. Then I spend all night tossing and turning
trying to figure out what I should have said. What should I have said, for
example, to a bottom dweller who recently belittled my existence?...”
Always having the “ideal” thing to say…sounds great right?
TH: “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could pass all my zingers
to you? And then I would never behave badly and you could behave badly all the
time, and we’d both be happy. But then, on the other hand, I must warn you that
when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the
moment you meant to say it, remorse inevitably follows.”
So true…
Where am I going with all of this…
I guess…my point is…there are many words going around in my
head right now…
Words that eventually, I will want to express…and words that
I hope I never allow escape my mouth…
The crazy thing about words is…you can always say more and
more…but you can’t ever take any back…
So I guess…next time someone is using their words to hurt
you…just stop and think before you respond…
Take a moment…or maybe even a few days…or weeks….or
months…to really process your “initial” reactions and feelings…
I know it seems a little drastic…taking a few months to
process initial reactions instead of acting on them…
But I believe time heals most things in life…and how we feel
right now…may not necessarily be how we feel in the future…
Don’t let someone who has hurt you in one moment, turn you
into someone you’ll spend hating for more than a few moments…
Recycled from a previous entry...buuut I think the below are worth posting again...
