Alright. I give.
I’ve tried for what seems like so long now to
not write about this.
“No way!” I’ve told myself. I set stern,
specific, very solid boundaries for myself and swore that, at least for the
time being, I was going to be stronger.
I’ll be “vulnerable” and write my posts with
“humility” but this takes the two to completely different levels… so I refuse.
And I was doing very well. I am very proud of
myself for “staying strong” for so long…but now, I am afraid, my stubbornness
must come to a colossal…crashing…end.
I received some pretty exciting news lately
about some friends of mine. Something that I should be ecstatic about! But when
I found out, I knew my reaction was substantially less than what the deliverer
of the news had expected. Shoot…my reaction was substantially less than what I
had expected. I may have been able to pull off a smiley “congratulations” at
the moment…and being my prying self, thankfully I had enough practice to make
it seem as if I wanted details…but later that day after leaving my friend, when
I had more time to think about it, I became jealous. And later that night…I
cried myself to sleep.
It was easier before, back when I was a cynic
to it all. Back when I was not entirely sure I wanted to believe there was such
a thing as “true love”.
But hold on. Let’s back up…because lack of
“true love” is not where this started.
My career and education is where it started.
I attended a University for 4 ½ years, and at the end of that time, I walked
the stage at graduation, shook hands with the head of my department and the
schools president, and smiled for a picture with my fake diploma. (okay
everyone took a picture with a fake diploma) But if they had been the real
things, then mine still would have been fake. I “graduated” with 8 deficient
credits because I pushed off my least favorite subjects until the very end of
college: Biology and Physical Science. That was, now, almost 2 ½ years ago. For
situations I really don’t care to explain…I have not been able to finish up
those classes until now! Finally!
How do I explain that to someone? “Well I
walked…so I no longer attend that school, but I don’t have my bachelors so I
can’t yet put that on a resume…so for now I can’t really use my degree in the
work field…I still have two classes…yada yada yada…” it gets old…and try
writing that on a job application…”Year I attended 4 ½ years of college but
have not yet received my bachelors…it uh….got lost in the mail…?”
So yes, person whom I have not seen or spoken
with in several years. I am now 25 years old. I live with my parents. I’m still
in the process of getting my bachelors degree, and I only work three days a
week…doing things that don’t have much to do with my degree.
I wont even try to justify my current
situation by explaining the events of my life. Because you know what, I could
have done things differently. I could have finished all of my classes while I
was still at the university, I could have stayed in Arizona and kept my great
paying job and be living on my own and not with my parents. But things just
didn’t happen that way. And I don’t believe that that was by chance.
So when you ask me, in a condescending tone,
why I do not currently have a career in my field of education and why I am
“wasting” all of that time and money put into my schooling…you’re not helping
me. And when you give me a “look” of dissatisfaction about me moving back in
with my parents…you’re not building me up.
Meanwhile…there
are things that I am able to do to lighten the mood of it all…like referring to
my parents as my “roommates” instead of my parents…a humor tactic derived from
one of my dear friends who is also my age and living with his parents…I
mean…who also has roommates…
So that is where this has started…negative
reactions from people who disapprove with where my “career” life is at…and it’s
only getting worse.
So where was I…ah yes…
…it was easier before, back when I was a
cynic to it all. Back when I was not entirely sure I wanted to believe there
was such a thing as “true love”.
“I never want to get married.”
I had everyone, including myself, so fooled.
It’s easier to deal with things in life when
you refuse to admit them.
And it’s all thanks to you! You disgustingly
gooshy romantic couples who are so in love with your high school sweethearts
and your 2 gorgeous babies and another on the way. And you! You perfect
newlyweds who are starting your new “exciting” lives together and having
“sleepovers” with your “best friend” every night…from now until…well forever!
And you…you couples who have been married for several years now and are
deciding to finally have a child…
It’s all your fault. YOU are the cause of
what has become of me…
Okay…I’m not angry with you and I really
don’t even “blame you”…through your hearts and your love for your spouse and
your children, God has given me a change of heart. And thus brings me to why
relationships genuinely terrify me. I know myself enough to know that I never
know what I want.
If I could, at one time, feel so dead set
against something and then all of a sudden wake up one day with a change of
heart toward it…then how will I ever know that what I “feel” is really what I
want and what is for me?
In high school…or shall I refer to it as “my
younger years” I had an idea of the perfect man for me. And praise the good
Lord I never found that guy.
The perfect man for me has gone through MANY
major life changes throughout the years…
He has gotten full sleeve tattoos…while a
needle with ink has never touched his skin
He has received an education from the most
prestigious of grad schools…he ran off to travel the world immediately after
high school
He’s lived in the big city, scraping by as a
hopeless romantic musician…he’s square danced at his hometowns country club in
Tennessee since before high school
He’s been a standup comedian…he’s a youth
pastor
He’s aggressively approached me with cheesy
flirtatious humor…he’s shyly eyed me from the corner of the room
He’s been the class clown…he’s been the “bad
boy”
He loves to watch old movies and cuddle on
the couch…he hates to stay indoors
He writes and recites poetry…he has no idea
what an allegory is
And last but not least, he has starred in all
of my favorite romantic movies: comedies and dramas.
If I ever met a man who embodied all of the
things I “think” I want…He’d most likely suffer from a serious case of multiple
personality disorder.
So be thankful I have not gotten married
yet…because I would probably be trapped in a horror film.
Moving on…
A few years ago one of my friends was talking
about a girl she knew, who had gone through a “rebel” stage shall we say, and
now that she had grown out of it, she was worried that God was not going to
ever give her someone to marry because she had lived such a bad lifestyle
before.
TRUST ME. I thought this worry was utterly
ridiculous as well. But now that I am in that same position…sometimes I cannot
help but wonder the same thing. Feel free to be honest and admit that you may,
at times, have this “punishment/reward” mentality about God as well.
I’ve made mistakes…I’ve done things I
certainly am not proud of. And now, at times…I do wonder if God has chosen to
not allow me to get married because of my past.
I know it’s ridiculous. And completely a lie
from Satan. But lately I have been so vulnerable and insecure about all of
this…that it’s been difficult to not allow the enemy to get his foot in the
door…
Yesterday I was talking to one of my friends
about it and what he said really helped me.
Opposite of me, this friend has done
everything the “right” way. He is 25 years old, single at the moment, and has
only had a few girlfriends, with whom he has never gone further than kissing.
After I confessed my above fear to him, he
reminded me that he has lived the right way, and has obeyed God and done
everything the way he should, yet, he is in the same position as I am. Single!
Then I started thinking about it.
I have several single friends who have lived
exceptionally healthy lifestyles and have never even dated before.
So if God’s gifts are conditional, the way I
am allowing Satan to persuade me they are, then where are their wives and
husbands? Doesn’t putting restrictions on God’s love and gifts make His
unconditional love…conditional…?
Maybe God hasn’t forgotten about me after all…
But what if a happy ending, for me, doesn’t
mean having the “man of my dreams”? What if it isn’t having a happy marriage, 5
kids, a blue heeler and a house with a white picket fence? Can I still be fully
satisfied and happy with my life? WILL I?
If I continue what I am doing and stick with
Christ, then I will.
I pray every day that He changes my desires
to what His desires are for me. Whether that means that I fall madly in love
tomorrow, 10 years from now, or never – I will still be completely satisfied
and joyful in life, because I will be living out His plan for me.
So if you want to know when I am going to get
married and when I am going to start my desired career and put my specific
education to work, then ask the One running the show! Don’t ask me. I have no
answers for you.
I have had my own plans in life. They have
never worked out.
So let me be me. Let me focus on what I have.
Not on what I don’t.
I want to be focused on all of the amazing
and incredible gifts that Christ has placed in my life! My new car! Finally
finishing up my bachelors! My new job! Being healthy and able to do the things
that I want to do in life! But when all you can talk to me about is what you
think I should be doing and ask me
about why I am not (your idea of) further
along in life…it makes me insecure. And it builds resentment inside of me
towards people who do have what I want…my friends and family and those I love…
And please, no matter how well your
intentions might be, please don’t try to set me up with so and so because you
“think” we’d be a good match…even though you’re true reason behind it is
because you either feel sorry for me or you’re tired of not being able to go on
double dates. Maybe I’m tired of being the third wheel…and you constantly
bringing awareness to the fact that I am single, is only making me feel more
and more inadequate because of it.
We don’t need to be focused on making our
time together a mission of “Finding Michal a Husband”
Trust me…I don’t care to talk about it
anymore than you do…
I’m well aware that single people have different
types of problems as married people.
I’m aware that you have to speak to your
spouse before making any kind of decision.
I’m aware that you don’t want me to stay so
late at your house because you have…other things…to do.
Trust me! I AM SO AWARE!
Let’s just try to grasp this concept
people…what if YOUR portrayal of a happy and accomplished life is DIFFERENT
from mine? And what if your plan for my life…is different than what God has for
me? Maybe the things I want for my life aren’t what God wants for me…and I can
work on that to the best of my ability…but I can’t change how you feel. Denying
myself and fighting my selfish desires is one thing...but I certainly cannot
fight yours as well.
So when you continually bring attention to
the subject on how I sleep alone at night and might quite possibly become a
creepy cat lady one day (okay maybe not in those specific words…) you’re making
me feel like I am doing something wrong and letting you down in some way.
Trust me. I don’t like feeling this way. I
don’t always care what you and
everyone else thinks about me and my life…but sometimes…I do.
It’s a knock-down-drag-out war, this “single”
business. But you’re my friends. You’re my family. I don’t want you to push me
down and dishearten me. I NEED you to build me up and encourage me! I need you
to be my support system!
Especially
when one half of my ex boyfriends are happily married with beautiful babies,
and the other half are happily dating!
Instead of feeling sorry that I am not with
the right guy…how about being happy for me that I am not with the wrong guy?
Don’t push me into relationships that may
potentially hurt and damage me more. Encourage me that God has perfect timing,
and He will bring the right man to me at the right time and make it
unmistakably obvious. And until then, we can just be us and talk about…whatever
else we would be talking about…
Haven’t you thought about how maybe God is
using this time to prepare me for something that is going to happen in the
future…and your negative outlook on my life may be hindering me from becoming
who I need to be…(or you may be helping…and in that case…criticize on!)
Don’t get me
wrong…I am thankful for you and your concern. I just have a feeling that I will
be more thankful for your obsession with my love-life when I do finally find my
future husband and you (assumingly) will be so ecstatic for me…maybe even more
excited for me than I am! Jk…
I want to be happy for you and YOUR life and
what God is doing with and for YOU and where He has you…So please…can’t you just
be happy for me?
