I am insecure.
There – I said it…
I know I have said it before…but not yet like
this:
Sometimes I obsess about everything that I think is “wrong” with me…or not
(insert positive word here) enough –
mainly my looks.
I think, “well maybe if my hair was longer or
thicker – or my nose smaller – or my hips thinner or my thighs more toned or my
teeth whiter…maybe THEN I would be beautiful and satisfied with the way I
look…”
I can play the “maybes” all day long…
If I’m not careful – I find myself constantly
looking at other girls around me and comparing myself to them. Chances are if
you are a girl and you are around my age…I’ve compared myself to you – a few
times over.
I’m not proud of this. And I am not even sure
that I am proud of myself for admitting it – because now I just look…exactly
the way I am: Insecure.
It’s tempting to just brush these feelings
off…: “I’m a girl…every girl has these insecurities…it’s normal…”
Is it though?
Is it normal to be so envious…
jealous…
covetous…
resentful…
wait…what?
Resentful seems a little much when I say it out loud…
But isn’t that exactly what I am? When I
allow myself to obsess over how other girls look and act so much better than me?
Or how about: bitter…angry…
I become more and more unattractive by the
second…
I learned something a while ago – I may have
mentioned it before…
Every time we are unhappy with our life or
ourselves…for the most part, we are telling God how unhappy we are with what HE
has determined to be good for us.
Notice I said “for the most part”…of course,
to an extent, we have to take ownership for our situations…like when we make
decisions that are wrong and get ourselves into places where we knew we
shouldn’t even be in in the first place…we only have ourselves to blame for being
so unhappy.
But there are some things that we just cannot
control.
Like: The way we look (for the most part).
That nose that we think is too big. Or our hair that we think is too straight
and thin. Or our ears that we think stick out too much. Or those short, pudgy
hands. Or our round face…
“God, I hate the way you made me. I am not
beautiful and YOU were wrong.”
I get chills just thinking about how much I
defy God when all I can think about is how unhappy I am with the way I am
created.
Why do I allow the lies of Satan to have such
a pull in my life?
When I give in to the things he says about me – I allow my attitude
to become completely consumed by disappointment and resentment – then what good
am I to God?
God…the ONE who CREATED ME…
The ONE who CREATED ME…JUST the way HE WANTED
me to be.
The ONE who LOVES me.
The ONE who LOVES and PURSUES ME…DAILY.
The ONE who sees my TRUE NATURE – MY SIN –
everything that MAKES me HIDEOUS.
Everything that SEPARATES ME FROM HIM.
Everything about myself that would cause any
human being to become utterly repulsed by me.
He sees it all.
And He wants it all.
He wants to make it into a beautiful story.
The TRUTH is – I AM LOVED and “love covers a
multitude of sins.”
I AM IMPORTANT – important enough for God to
send His Son to die for me.
Thank GOD He is the ONLY ONE who can see what
is really going on inside of me.
I guarantee if you could see as much as He
does – you would want nothing to do with me.
And still – why would I put a humans view of
me over the One Being whose view should be the ONLY view that matters…
“You are altogether beautiful, my love; there
is no flaw in you.” – Song of Solomon 4:7
The same face that I can be so unsatisfied
with at times – is the only thing keeping people from seeing the TRUE ugliness
about me…
It’s the only thing hiding the qualities that
should really turn people away…
“Define yourself as radically loved by God. This is the TRUE self. Every other identity
is an illusion.” – John Eagan
“Do not
let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold
jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person
of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which
in God's sight is very precious.” – 1 Peter 3:3-4
