I have been exhausted lately.
I have been going non-stop every day and my
body is starting to be completely worn down…
During the day I can hardly function…and I
don’t start getting energy until late at night…which prevents me from
sleeping…then in the morning of course I have the hardest time waking up
because I had the hardest time falling asleep…
Blah blah blah.
I could go on for hours.
On top of it all -
I have been super grumpy and depressed during
the day. Super emotional in the evenings. And just super………blah at night.
I really haven’t been happy at all.
Last night I was talking to my dad about it
and told him I just felt completely fake.
I asked him if he ever felt like he was fake
and I told him that I feel like I always have to put on a smile for everyone
and put on this big show that I am so
happy when really – I’m not feelin’ it at all. I love my dad…cause he just
lets me vent.
No matter how crazy I sound – I can yell and
shout and be dramatic and cry…….he just sits there listening to it all and then
usually makes me laugh in the end…most of the time he seems to know just how
I’m feeling. He empathizes…and then he points me where I need to go: to God.
I need a change.
I need Him.
I meant exactly what I said to my pops when I
told him I felt fake.
You know that saying “grin and bear it” - well
that’s my life lately. Just grinnin’ and bearin’ it.
Everyone around me seems to be crazy…and
they’re all making me crazy.
I’m just so tired and worn out.
And I can never seem to get caught up…
Caught up with what…I don’t know.
But caught up.
It’s like I’ve been missing something…and at
times I can feel like I know just what it is but right before it comes to me –
it’s gone.
Tonight my devotional lead me to 2
Corinthians 5:
“For we know that if the earthly tent which
is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made with
hands, eternal in the heavens. For indeed in this house we groan, longing to be
clothed with our dwelling from heaven, inasmuch as we, having put it on, will
not be found naked. For indeed while we are in this tent, we groan, being
burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed, so that what is moral will be
swallowed up by life.”
v. 1-4
“For indeed in this house we groan, longing
to be clothed with our dwelling from heaven…”
I do believe I am made for something so much more than this life – and some
how…even when I am not conscious of that fact – I still know it.
I know that this life will never truly
satisfy me. And everything that could possibly go wrong or bother me some
days…will in fact go wrong or bother me some days.
“Therefore, being always of good courage, and
knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord – for
we walk by faith, not by sight – we are of good courage I say, and prefer
rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord. Therefore we
also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him.”
v. 6-9
“…to be pleasing to Him.”
Something tells me that my attitude lately
has not been “pleasing to Him.”
The truth is – it does not really matter how
I am feeling – happy or unhappy – what matters is my attitude. My thoughts and
my actions.
It’s hard to get your thoughts and actions
together when you’re just not feelin’ it…but all I can do in those (these)
times is pray.
Just go to God.
At least I know not that I’m not crazy. And that it’s normal for me
to feel to out of place in my life at times…since I’m really not meant for this
life…
