I’ll admit that when I sat down to write – I
did it with a ventful heart.
I was originally just coming here as a form
of outlet. Which isn’t necessarily bad…but my heart was bad…I wasn’t writing as
a form of healthy relief, I wasn’t writing in hopes of finding some closure –
but only to complain and hope to feel some sort of satisfaction by complaining
– the sort of satisfaction that brings a sense of self-entitlement. Like – my
complaints are justified and I am right in feeling the way that I feel. I was
hoping that maybe, just one person would understand how I am feeling and offer
empathy and…well…pity.
And I wrote quite a bit…I sat there for a
while giving it all I had – laying it all out…but I wasn’t feeling any better…in
fact – I was only feeling worse in a way…because my sense of “relief” wasn’t
coming like I had hoped. So I gave up.
I knew what I was doing. I was doing the same
thing that I have been doing for the past few weeks. I was trying to stay in
this state of malcontent and negativity. Because for some reason I have found
it to be the easy thing to do lately.
Instead of facing whatever has been going on inside of me – I have just been
using it as a way to get from one day to the next…and I’m so tired.
So I came here – to vent and complain and
maybe even gossip – in hopes of gaining some sort of gratification…
I thought I needed someone to hear me out. I
thought I needed someone to sit and listen (or read) and nod their head in an
understanding manner. But sometimes I don’t need someone to sit here and
empathize with me – sometimes I do…but sometimes I need to be told that I am in
the wrong. That I am acting selfishly and making it all about something that
doesn’t even matter in the grand scheme of things – myself. Sometimes I need
someone to tell me to pull my head out of my ass and get over myself. Sometimes
I need to be babied like a fragile infant – but other times – most of the time
– I just need to be punched in the face.
Yet again, I have been making everything all
about me. Like the world undoubtedly operates off of the pattern of my
breathing.
But none of it’s about me…
What a way to betray God. Taking everything I
have already “given” to Him and using it to try to make myself feel better…
The other night I came across an old notebook
I had used when I first got my job.
The pages were filled with different ideas I
had written adown about the community center for the kids.
For a moment I wondered what I must have been
feeling at that time – and then this sense of excitement actually started
overflowing me. I could feel how excited I was. Everything was so new and fresh
– like a blank canvas. I could make of it anything that I wanted to. I knew
that I was involved in something special and even though I didn’t know where it
was going to lead – I knew – somehow – I knew
with one hundred percent certainty – that
this was where God wanted me. This was where God brought me. I don’t know if He
created this position for me or me for this position – but either way – HE was
the creator and the orchestrator of it all.
These times – the ones just like the ones I
have been experiencing lately – these times where I feel exhausted and spent.
Like I have given all I could possibly give and I couldn’t bear to give one
ounce more of myself. When I feel like I have been stretched as far as humanly
possible…these are the times that I somehow, find myself at a standstill. I
realize that I have been fighting for so long – fighting to run from
fighting…and in the realest sense possible “my eyes are opened.”
These are the times that God brings me out of
whatever meaningless state I have been drowning in and by His grace – helps me
realize that I cannot possibly do all of it, or any of it on my own. He has to
be there with me every step of the way – He
has to be my source.
Call me crazy…but I seem to lose site of all
of the meaning and purpose in my life when I lose site of my Source. It’s easy
to get comfortable and caught up in the emotions, or lack-there-of of the
day-to-day hustle and bustle. I think I have it all under control but at the
end of each day I find myself at a crash landing. Only to lose more and more
time to whatever invisible struggled I have swept under the rug. Then I lay in
my bed at night – fall asleep – only to wake up late and get another bad start
on another meaningless day.
Why do I do this to myself…
I’m the source of all of my resentment
because I don’t stop to take care of myself. I don’t stop to realize that each
moment – as it comes – is a gift. And it DOES MATTER. And it DOES HAVE MEANING.
I’m not meant to live each day in this endless sleep – I’m meant to live…but
I’m also meant to BE ALIVE.
I lose site of that – I lose site of the
importance of my job. I start taking my life and the people and things in it for
granted.
I have done that so much lately…and you would
think that I would have learned by now that that’s no way to live. I can’t
treat the people and the things and the days…the gifts that God has given me
like they are expendable…
What a way to (not) live…
When I don’t look for God in everything, I
only find exhaustion in everything…
During Christmas – work was crazy and hectic
and I felt like I could never get a chance to catch my breath… You Never Run Dry by Housefires was my
saving grace…I was reminded each time I listened to it that even though I may
become exhausted and run myself tireless…He NEVER runs dry. And He is my source
“never ending” and with Him – I am never lacking…
Even in the wilderness
Through confusion and barrenness
You are beautiful God
Even in my brokenness
Through this pain I will confess
You are always good
Deserts will bloom in the light of Your love
Valleys make room for the river of God
You never run dry
Never run dry
Never run dry
You're my source, never ending
You're my life, I’m never lacking
It’s amazing how He is always right there –
just waiting to save me from the exhaustion of whatever my life brings…and the
exhaustion that I bring to my life…
And as soon as I reach out to Him – He reminds
me why I am where He has me and why I am doing what He has me doing…
He punches me in the face and reminds me that, thankfully, NONE of it is
about me.
