What matters most...

Something big is happening.

And I am excited.

And nervous.

I’m not talking about my trip to Jamaica =] though that is extremely exciting!!

I’m talking about something I have wanted for as long as I can remember.

Something that I felt God calling me towards…

And now the opportunity is approaching – and I have found myself questioning.

How can I do this?

Am I adequately prepared?

Am I strong enough?

Am I…ready…?

There are many more questions of course.

But when I was stressing over them today…I was reminded:

THEY DON’T MATTER!

God has prepared the way.

He is in control.

He has gone before me and mapped everything out to the slightest detail…and now all He is asking me to do is be ready.

Be ready for anything.

Be ready for staying…

Be ready for going…

Be ready for whatever He is calling me to do.

I want to write so much more on this…ugh – if only I had the time…

But if there is one thing I want to get across…

I always want to be looking to what matters most.

Not what I think matters most.

But what actually matters most.

My stresses, my worries, my priorities…they don’t matter.

They’re already taken care of…

What matters is just continually seeking God…

Just taking that time to be with Him…

It’s not a “learn as He goes” sort of thing…

He has already gotten it taken care of!

Me, I am the one who has to take it one day at a time. And just take life as it comes…

I don’t have to look for adventure.

I don’t have to be my typical self and “force” it.

It’s already coming my way!

All I have to do is be ready.


Here are some goodies I re-discovered =]


Enjoy!

Haaaaaave you met Ted?

A few months…(I think)…ago…my friend Kristyna and I went to Starbucks to do devotionals and just…talk.

We talked about a lot of different things – but mainly – relationships were the highlight of our topic.

She said something that I remember quite vividly – “From all bad, comes good”

Obviously I have heard this before…but I am not sure if I had ever heard it in the context that she had used it in. And honestly, I can’t say that I completely agreed with her at first.

My first thought when I heard her say it for the very first time was, “No. That’s not true.”

Part of me was still so emotionally caught up in my situation that I thought, “How could you say something like that? I am really only seeing bad come from my bad situation.”

“I’m seeing hurt and pain and scars and bitterness and anger and consequences and repercussions and wounded relationships and broken people and burned bridges. I’m experiencing sleepless nights and horrible dreams and random outbursts of memories and tears. I’m NOT in a good place. Good did NOT come from the bad I experienced.”

Sometimes – and these are mainly the times when I want to be stubborn and want to see things how I want to see them – I can be very prideful.

I think the more time that passes – the more I see that SO much GOOD has come from the bad I have experienced. Good that definitely would not have happened if I had not had the bad in my life.

I love HIMYM. Obviously my recent marathon of it has helped inspire what I’m talking about.

I love how Ted always puts meaning behind things.

It’s always a story of how something did or didn’t happen, which led to something else happening, which led to something else, and then something else, and then something else…which led to him meeting the mother of his children.

I know it can be exhausting – thinking that everything happens for a reason and that everything has some meaning or lesson behind it…

This can be a very dangerous belief to live by.

Hours, or days even, can be spent analyzing one simple action that you subconsciously want to have some sort of crazy meaning…

But for the most part…if you look at the big picture, it is true.

I come from a very small town in California.

Growing up I had two dreams. First: I wanted to play college soccer. Second: I wanted to be a journalist. Specifically, I wanted to go to Patrick Henry College in Virginia and study under one of the writer and editors of World Magazine and then one day, work for the magazine.

My junior year in high school I became in danger of tearing my ACL and was physically forced to quit playing soccer (unless I wanted surgery after I completely tore it.) That was a horrible thing to deal with.

Dream one gone.

After I graduated high school one of my best friends and I went to Patrick Henry for a journalism camp (and if you’re wondering, like so many others before you…I don’t know if it is like space camp…I have never been)

I totally thought that that is where I was going to go…

(Before I say this next part – I should note that the women’s dean of the college I went to here in Phoenix was my second grade teacher when I lived in Colorado…[whom my parents stayed close friends with]) A few weeks later my parents planned a trip to Phoenix to visit these said friends and they encouraged me to check out the college while we were there.

So I did. And I absolutely hated it.

My mind was dead-set against coming to Phoenix…(I have no idea why…)

I knew what I wanted and I was going to go after it – Virginia.

(Have I mentioned that I am a fighter for the things I want…and I used to fight even if that thing was not good for me…?)

I had prayed about it and not even a week later – I knew I was supposed to go to Phoenix (I have no idea why – they didn’t even have a Journalism program…)

It might also be funny to note that growing up – I hated girls. Really – I was rude – I had a horrible attitude, and I couldn’t stand people my age and younger – I was definitely not the person you’d pick out of a crowd and want to be best friends with.

When I came to Phoenix to go to college I finally knew what I was meant to do. And gradually wanted to do. Work with teenage girls.

So I majored in Behavioral Health, and quickly learned that this area was my passion.

I am SO different today than the person I used to be. I LOVE people. I LOVE relationships. And I LOVE working with teenage girls.

What is the saying…”If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.”

So true…

Heaven probably makes a whole comedy club out of my life…

Anywho…

My point is…at the time that all of these things happened…I thought them to be horrible…

But if I had not hurt my knee I would have probably played college soccer and I would probably still be in California right now.

And if I had played college soccer, I wouldn’t have gone to Virginia.

And if my family hadn’t moved to Colorado for a short time when I was younger, they would not have met the woman who was my second grade teacher.

And if they hadn’t met her, then I would not have gone to Phoenix for school.

And if I had not visited Phoenix and had moved to Virginia, I would have never met the people who I call my best friends today.

Maybe that is too much analyzing…but…maybe it isn’t…

Sure, I’d have a completely different life and have completely different friends and it all would probably be great and amazing and I would not know any better…

There are other “If I had never…” points I could easily make right now…some that are fairly more applicable to why I am writing this post…

Basically – relationships. I’ll be completely honest and say that I have never had a good romantic relationship. Not even one.

But if I had not experienced these relationships – I would not be the person I am today…

And that is something that I am so thankful for.


Because of these past relationships, I am able to relate to people I would  have never been able to relate to and help and comfort girls I would have never been able to help if I had not had these experiences...

And...If I had not been in a relationship, I would not have gotten the job I have today and I would not have the amazing roommate/friend that I have today.

If I had not gotten the job I have today, I probably would not have stayed in Phoenix.

And if I had not stayed in Phoenix, I would not be living the amazing life I live today...

Of course, it would probably be amazing in a different way…but maybe not.

If this is where I am – then I trust that this is where God has me. And if this is where God has me…then I know my life is and will be way more amazing than any life that I could have created for myself…

Maybe God would have used me in other ways if I had made different choices and gone different places…I’m sure He would have.

But it is not about what I didn’t do and how He could have used me…

It is about where I am now and what God has for me where He has me.

So long-post-short…Yes Kristyna…I agree…from ALL bad, comes GOOD.

A piece of me...

If you thought some of my last posts were a mess…you might not want to make an attempt at this one…

There are two things I am currently struggling with. And twisting them together this way is all I can really do to get them both out at the moment... I know I’ve already used this phrase on a past post…but seriously…this time…good luck keeping up…

When you're a complete goofball - How do you make people respect you and take you seriously, without compromising yourself in the process, and staying true to who you really are.

Because of relationships that I have gotten myself into, I have let part of myself accept false truths.

The false truth that I have to be flawless for people to really love me.

I have to be perfectly poised and conducted 24/7.

When I make a mistake - I must be punished for it mentally, emotionally, and even physically at times - because it's what I deserve.

When other people make decisions that indirectly affect things - I have to take the punishment for that as well.

The false truth that I can't be my crazy, goofy self and be respected at the same time.

I have to be flawless

The false truth that no matter how people treat me, it's what I deserve.

I did something to deserve it.

I'll never be good enough.

  

And the false truth that I do not and will not ever deserve better.

I’ve been realizing that because of these false truths that I accepted from others, I have began creating more false truths for myself.

I was so torn down that when I finally got out – I decided I was going to be different.

I was going to change.

I was going to run from the person I was and the people I placed myself around and all of the unhealthy situations I had placed myself in.

And I was never going back.

New false truths:

I have to have all of the answers.

I always have to be happy – no matter what.

I have to be the one to make people laugh.

I have to be carefree and lighthearted no matter what.

No matter how I am feeling inside, I need to be the happy-go-lucky girl without a care in the world.

I have put up a wall. Not a wall that keeps me from loving other people.

But a wall that keeps me from letting others love me.

And I have learned to play it off so well…

Oh, so well.

Isn’t that what we all do?

We quickly learn our weaknesses and then we spend so much time and effort into making experts of ourselves.

We become connoisseurs at discovering the most cunning way of hiding our faults.

The masters of disguise.

My wall keeps me from completely being myself.

Not my goofy self – that is a tough one for me to hide…

But my serious self…or rather…my hurting self.

Lately I have been wondering if I use my happiness to cover up things. Of course I have SO much to be happy about and SO much to be thankful for. I could never exhaust how blessed I am.

But sometimes I wonder if I use my happiness as a mask…as…an escape method…?

A way to hide what is really going on in my heart.

It’s not a completely crazy thought…

But it was crazy to think that I myself could be doing this.

That is not me.

Or is it…

I base so much confidence in the fact that I try to be as genuine as I can be.

An open-book.

That’s how I would describe myself.

An open book about my past and the things I have gone through and the mistakes I have made.

You ask: I answer.

I spent so much time hiding who I really was and lying to myself and others about anything and everything.

When I ran from that – I swore I would never go back.

But experiences have a funny way of catching up with you.

I may be genuine and honest about everything I have done and gone through.

But what about my present emotions?

What about my present struggles?

Most of them I am completely open about – except for one.

My hurt.

I cannot and will not hurt. Or at least – that’s how I portray it to others.

My false truths have set me up to believe that no one cares about my hurts.

People would rather me be my “care-free” self, rather than have to care about what can really be going on with me.

They are menial and hold no value.

Why do we so often think better of others than we do ourselves?

If someone were to come to me with their hurts – I would instantly direct them to the love of Christ and the value that they have in Him.

But for myself, yes, I know I have extreme value in Christ.

But, why don’t I allow myself to value my hurt?

I like to think I value my past and what has brought me to where I am.

But anxiety pushes me to want to just “get over” the past.

But that is not how we are created.

I don’t think thinking about the past is a bad thing. I think what makes it bad is how we think about the past. Do we dwell on it?

Insecurities of both others and myself, have lead me to believe that my past makes me a horrible person, who deserves to be continually punished for it.

But the goodness of Christ teaches me that, yes, I need to recognize the horrible nature of my past, but it is not something that I need to be held down by anymore.

When I was discussing this all with my mom she said it simply: “Your head knows what is best for you, now your heart just needs to realize it as well.”

Yes, because of the grace of God, I know what is best for me. So why do I continue to struggle with the things that are not best for me?

I have made myself to want to be perfect.

I thought I was strong.

I took a 180 turn out of my bad situation and ran as fast as I could.

For what seemed like quite awhile - I didn’t look back.

Now the past keeps getting brought up in my mind. And it's difficult not to let it.

My insecurities and doubts about myself are surfacing in my mind and lingering in my thoughts. Plaguing my head with a rollercoaster-like of emotions.

Entertaining random thoughts and questions is a very dangerous thing. How long will those insecurities stay with me?

The mind is an incredible thing - just how complex it is.

It's more than common for random, spur-of-the-moment thoughts about my past to enter my mind. Most of these should not be entertained.

Side note:

In my Addictions class a few years ago, we learned that, for men, looking at an erotic image for just a few seconds can stay fresh in their mind for over a few years. (I don’t remember the exact numbers…but it definitely was a seconds to years ratio)

How sad is that.

A few seconds. Even if it’s just a mistake, or something that was stumbled upon.

What we let enter our minds and bodies can completely plague us.

Back on track:

I know this may seem completely off subject...but if this little piece of information is in fact true...then how toxic can it be to entertain some on those “spur-of-the-moment” thoughts…?

Perhaps I should clarify that my struggle has nothing to do with erotic images…but it definitely has to do with thoughts plaguing my mind. Thoughts that promptly enter my mind and should, alike, promptly find their way out.

This is not something I want to admit at all…

But I really do wish it wasn’t so hard for me to admit it.

I don’t like how it is becoming more and more difficult for me to admit it. I don’t want to be that person that hides from these things.

I would say it’s “funny” to talk to people about it now. People who knew me before the “incident”. But funny is definitely not appropriate.

It is very surreal.

And it is very sad.

They tell me I never looked happy.

I never laughed.

I never smiled.

I looked miserable and trapped.

I never looked to be myself.

I was a stranger to everyone around me. And I was definitely a stranger to myself.

And since I am myself again…you might be able to imagine why it is so hard for me to want to be anything but happy.

But because of Christ – I am freed from that.

Free to be myself.

Free to be thankful and free to be happy.

But also, free to be sad.

When do we learn that it’s not okay to cry?

For boys, I know most are taught at such a young age that “real men don’t cry”, which is really such a sad thing.

But when do girls learn that being emotional means you’re “crazy” and don’t deserve respect?

All of these are definitely false truths.

But when I am too “happy” I don’t feel respected by some either…

How do you read a present situation without being bias because of past situations?

Just like I hope for people to accept me as I am, despite their past experiences, I also need to accept others despite my past experiences.

Just because one person has a poor view of me when I am myself, doesn’t mean that everyone does.

It is strange how our past experiences affect our present views on situations…

You can’t pick and choose which pieces of a person you want…

So why does it seem like some people respect me more when I am serious and quiet?

Everyone needs an outlet. A place to go to be with something of their own.

Something that makes them feel like…them.

I have found that music is one of my forms of an outlet…

And no matter how goofy and crazy I can be – I still have feelings. I still have emotions. I still go through difficult times. I still have days where I feel more comfortable just being quiet and keeping to myself. And I still want to be respected.

“Crying may look like weakness to others – but sometimes it’s all we can do in order to get stronger.”

Psalm 55:22 – “Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.”

This season...

Sometimes I don’t feel motivated.

It’s not that I am being completely lazy…

I just…have a lot on my mind lately…

Today’s devotional was perfect for me.

I feel like they are always relevant to something that I am going through…

“Ready in Season”

Be ready in season and out of season —2 Timothy 4:2

Many of us suffer from the unbalanced tendency to “be ready” only “out of season.” The season does not refer to time; it refers to us. This verse says, “Preach the Word! Be ready in season and out of season.” In other words, we should “be ready” whether we feel like it or not. If we do only what we feel inclined to do, some of us would never do anything. There are some people who are totally unemployable in the spiritual realm. They are spiritually feeble and weak, and they refuse to do anything unless they are supernaturally inspired. The proof that our relationship is right with God is that we do our best whether we feel inspired or not.

One of the worst traps a Christian worker can fall into is to become obsessed with his own exceptional moments of inspiration. When the Spirit of God gives you a time of inspiration and insight, you tend to say, “Now that I’ve experienced this moment, I will always be like this for God.” No, you will not, and God will make sure of that. Those times are entirely the gift of God. You cannot give them to yourself when you choose. If you say you will only be at your best for God, as during those exceptional times, you actually become an intolerable burden on Him. You will never do anything unless God keeps you consciously aware of His inspiration to you at all times. If you make a god out of your best moments, you will find that God will fade out of your life, never to return until you are obedient in the work He has placed closest to you, and until you have learned not to be obsessed with those exceptional moments He has given you.

(Copied from utmost.org)

I’m just not focused lately. There is just so much going on that it is hard for me to keep my mind on just one thing.

And then when I am alone and do have time to clear my mind – I really don’t want to be alone with my thoughts.

I’m getting frustrated with myself for struggling with some of the same things over and over again…

And then I realized a few things –

There are things in my life that I am “settling” for.

When God removes something unhealthy from my life – It is NO LOSS to me.

I’m created to feel – so it is OKAY to let myself feel more than I want to at times.

I am created to invest time and emotions into relationships – so when those relationships are removed from my life, it is OKAY to take time to mourn over them.

I can’t be hard on myself for struggling with certain things – If I never struggled – I would never grow.

HE has made me new.

In one of my favorite books, Beyond Jabez, the author, Bruce Wilkinson, talks about how if we don’t struggle with things then it may, at times, mean that Satan is not “worried” about us. He used an example of a college student talking to one of his professors and telling him that his life was great and everything was going right and the professor told the student he was worried about him because that probably means Satan isn’t worried about the student and his work for Christ. (obviously that was more of a paraphrase of what the author actually said…)

But this story always stuck in my mind.

But then – one of my devotionals from a few weeks ago hit me –

“Never be afraid when God brings back your past. Let your memory have its way with you. It is a minister of God bringing its rebuke and sorrow to you. God will turn what might have been into a wonderful lesson of growth for the future.” – My Utmost For His Highest

I’ve been hurting a lot from the past lately. And I’ve been really upset at myself about it.

Not wanting to admit my struggles, I have been keeping them all in to myself –

But after reading this devotional – I was filled with comfort.

Yeah, I am struggling. But I am not alone. God is letting me struggle with it for a reason – and maybe that reason is to take it to Him.

Shame.

I’m ashamed that I am still struggling with the same thing – the same situation.

I know I am MUCH better off now – and God has given me an amazing peace that I have never known before.

It always blows my mind to think about Christ’s mercy and love.

God is good to me. Even though he knows everything that I have done.

But I think the thing that blows my mind even more than that, is that God is good to me….Even when he knows what I WILL do.

I think it is one thing to forgive someone for their past and to love them and accept them and provide for them despite what they have done…

But to love and accept and provide for someone who you know has already hurt you and will undoubtedly hurt you again.

Or to take it even further – He knows the exact minute of the day, which I will betray Him again.

Being stuck in my sinful body – it is a fact that I will sin again. And He knows how and when.

It is incredible to me.

I know He loves me.

And I know that that is all that really matters.

I don't know what it is...

Maybe it is the fact that today I was reminded of just how beautiful people truly can be.

Maybe it is the fact that I was also reminded of how much hurt people can go through.

Or maybe it’s just a mood that I have recently been in, finally coming to the surface and letting me breathe…

Whatever it is. I am in a very sentimental and reminisce-full mood. If that makes sense…

Tonight – I am thankful for where I am. And where I am going.

I am thankful for second chances and forgiveness.

I’m thankful for hope and grace.

I’m thankful for understanding and empathy.

I’m thankful for love and compassion.

I’m thankful for people who have the strength to forgive others of their wrong doings, when those wrong doings are and are not against them.

And in a weird way. I am thankful for memories.

Memories have an odd way of taking you back.

The power of smell and sound is incredible.

How the quick whiff of a familiar odor can pull you into a time machine and completely engulf your mind for a moment.

Maybe it’s a song you hear or words that someone speak that are coming from the mouth of a stranger yet sound so familiar to you.

Maybe it’s the look on someone’s face. An emotion you are well acquainted with, expressed on the face of someone you’ve never seen before…

Some memories are fun to go back to. Like the smell that takes you back to your first car, or a slumber party with your friends.

And some memories are not so great to re-live.

But no matter what, you have them.

(Sorry – no Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind here…)

What is it about memories that can captivate a person so?

The situations are gone. They’re left at a stand-still in the past.

And life moves on.

Days go by and more memories are made.  More memories to cover up the old ones.

Some memories are lost indefinitely.

Yet, some memories surface with no effort at all.

People say it all takes time – and I know this is true for the most part.

But time is not the only thing that it takes.

It takes effort to move on.

It takes determination and will and motivation.

You might not necessarily have to know what you are doing – but you have to know why you are doing it and why it is best for you.

It’s not easy. But it’s crucial.

I value my well-being.

And I know that it is all worth it.

Because Christ values me too.

I’m not completely depressed right now…haha…I swear. Just…thoughtful…

If you could step into my room with me right now…this is a little of what you would be hearing…