to whom it may concern,

I’m not sure that I have ever written you a complete letter before. But for some reason…I feel that it is all that I can do right now to help ease whatever this feeling is that I have swelling up inside of me…

This is probably one of the hardest times of the year for me. Not because I am alone. But because I am not with you.

I can’t express how sad I have felt lately...I don’t remember the last full day I went without crying…it has been…depressing…to say the least…

Not that my life itself is depressing. I love my life.

I hate admitting it – because I am someone who normally likes to be thought of as “strong” and “independent” but I think it’s time that I face this little demon inside of me…

So much of me is aching for you…is it wrong to allow one person to have so much affect over you? I struggle so much with this. I know it’s wrong to obsess over something and someone…and I don’t think it is that because I know I don’t put you over my relationships with Christ. But the more I feel Him…the more I want to feel you too. And how can it be wrong to desire someone that is so good for me?

I know I am already in love with you – but I just want to be able to love you.

I’ve felt so…lost lately. Like I just haven’t been myself…and I haven’t felt motivated to be myself either…

But then something incredible happened:

The night before last I spent the whole night at a hospital eagerly awaiting the arrival of a precious baby boy.

I arrived at the hospital around 9:30 p.m. and at 6:34 a.m. the next morning I got one of the most exciting texts I have ever received: “HE’S HERE!!!!”

Sweet sweet Camden Avery Drucker

I didn’t realize exactly what he meant to me until I stepped into that delivery room for the third time… and saw precious little Camden for the first time…and tears just began to fall from my eyes.

It is cliché to say that seeing him made me feel…more complete?

Like he provided me with something I had never felt before. A love that I never knew I could have for someone…

And a terror that I never knew was possible when I heard his panting.

He was having complications breathing because of fluids in his lungs so he had to be taken to the NICU…

I think I may have been more frightened for him than anyone else there…everyone seemed to be staying so calm…but my tears were uncontainable.

I couldn’t bear to see something so little and precious go through such a struggle…but he definitely wasn’t helpless. He was a fighter.

An hour later after good breathing he was released from NICU!

He is perfect.

I am so in love.

I don’t know how just one moment can change a person so much…but I know that after seeing little Camden, I will never be the same.

Most of the time…life is simple. It provides me with plenty of distractions throughout the day to keep my mind off of you…

I go through my daily routine of work and then youth groups throughout the week or hang out with friends and my youth girls…

I have incredible friends who I have such a fun time with…and most of the time I am great!

But I have a habit of keeping myself so busy…and I realized that I think I do that on purpose…to avoid the fact that you aren’t in my life right now…because after all of the craziness of the day, when I go home and lay in my bed…everything is quiet…and even though my mind is always full of thoughts about whatever the next day holds…I have nothing to distract me from the fact that I am alone.

And then I remember that I miss you.

Or times like the one where I was sitting in that hospital waiting room. One of the most exciting times of my life…and you weren’t there to share it with me…

It’s months like these that make me long for you more than any other time of the year…

Months like October. With Halloween as my favorite holiday because it means apple picking and pumpkin carving and watching scary movies and having campfires and trick or treaters…it means cool weather and warm clothes…haunted houses and haunted theme parks…

Colorful leaves and bike rides…

Then there is Thanksgiving and Christmas. Cuddling up by the fire with warm coffee and a good book…

Relaxing time with family and hectic Christmas shopping...

Rain…snow…

It’s all so enchanting and romantic…

…and it all happens without you…

But thank God for days like yesterday…

Days that come along completely unexpected and bring purpose and light into my world.

Days that wake me up and FORCE me to see that life is beautiful.

It has purpose.

It has excitement.

It has little blessings that pinch me and big blessings that smack me in the face!

Days where the most exciting things happen…

These days help give me a push that I need.

They serve as a reminder that God knows what He is doing. He IS GOOD.

And He hasn’t forgotten about me.

I know not one day goes by where He fails to give me exactly what I need for that day. He gives me plenty of joys and gifts every single day…

And I am so thankful for that. I wish I never lost sight of it.

People say that it will happen when I least expect it. That one day I will turn a corner and all of a sudden there you will be. Like you were just hanging out waiting for me…

But I wish you could have been there to see how beautiful he was. I wish I could share my excitement with you. I’m realizing that that is what it is all about: sharing in each others joys and happiness. And being able to be there for each other when there is worry or sadness or discomfort. And pushing each other and encouraging each other to be the best we can be and to not take life for granted.

It’s these moments that I love to have but don’t love to share without you…

One time I started thinking about all of the moments that you have that excite you that I don’t yet know about…but that seems to be too much some times…I want to be there with you…but I am thankful that God is so good…and that He is giving you everything you need for the time being as well.

You missed a good one yesterday. But – I know there will be others.

And even though I just want to share it all with you…

I will try to be patient…

Love you,

Love me.

"...when thy sleep shall be broken by trumpet and drum...”

 I love coffee.

That is probably not a surprise.

But the extent to which I love coffee……is ridiculous.

But I find that coffee really doesn’t wake me up that much most of the time. It makes me feel better…and happier…and nicer…but it really doesn’t help with my tiredness.

Why am I rambling on about my love for coffee…I really don’t know. I just love it…THAT. MUCH. Haha…but really…

I do have a point somewhere in here…

I’ve had so many moments lately where I have felt like I just woke up. Not that I was literally sleeping from the night before…and just woke up for the day…but where I have already been up and awake for a few hours and going about my day and then all of a sudden I’m hit with a realization that I really don’t completely grasp what is going on in my life…or even my day…

Maybe I have gotten too used to how good God is to me…

These past two years have had struggles and trials of their own…but I’ve definitely had harder times in my life…

God is good. I KNOW He is. But do I only say He is because that’s what I am supposed to say…or because I am used to saying it…or because I TRULY know and UNDERSTAND that HE is good. And EVERYTHING that He does and how it is ALL good.

I want to understand the extent of just how GOOD God TRULY IS!! And WHY He is good and I want to know EVERY SINLGE THING that He does in my life. I never want to miss a blessing. I don’t want one gift from Him to go unnoticed or unseen…

But not just that – I want to somehow understand how life would be if He wasn’t good.

That’s a scary thing to say…because I never want to know a life without a good God…or without MY good God. But…if everything He does is for my good…….then what would it be like if that weren’t the case…

I guess what I am trying to say is…I just want to understand (and never forget) just how GOOD God TRULY is.

I know I will never fully…..or ever partially understand…so it really is a pointless desire…but…I just don’t like how I have grown comfortable with how good I really have it…not that I wish anything bad to happen………………ugh. I’m awful at explaining things.

I just…I don’t want to treat life as “seasons”…I don’t want to be mindlessly living from day to day only waking up for the “good” or “fun” seasons…I want to be awake for it all. And I want to see God in it all…and feel God in it all…

I don’t want to miss anything…

You know those events in life that give you a sense of wakening…where you realize or you feel something that you never realized or felt before…and from that moment on there is something in you that feels more…knowledgeable (?) than before? Like maybe you found a piece of something somewhere that makes you feel somewhat more complete…

I received a random text today from a relative…she was encouraging me in what is going on in my life. And it was one of those moments that kind of nudged me awake…

I know that I will never be exactly where I want to be in life…I will always have more to work on and more to grow in and more to work towards…but for the first time in my life…I feel like I am actually on my way towards where I want to be…I kind of feel like I just woke up and all of a sudden I am on this road to where I want to be…and everything and everyone in my past is just that…in my past. I know that’s not at all what happened…and everything and everyone in my past has helped grow me so much and I am so thankful for that…but it’s strange thinking of heartache that was once so devastating and drastic in my life and thinking at that time how I didn’t know how I was going to get through it and wondering how long it was going to last for…and now here I am…several years later…still going through things that make my heart ache deeply…

Only, these things seem to be different…maybe more real…maybe less dramatic…not worse or better…just…different…maybe because it’s things that are more…necessary…instead of ridiculous hurt that I put on myself…they are more things that I can’t really help…just…the natural flow of life…

I don’t know…

Maybe it is better…

It’s just a weird feeling…not understanding the extent of things…I am excited for what God has done and is doing and will do…I just don’t want to miss any of it...

I want to be awake for all of it

And I want to understand all of it.

I need a really large never-ending cup of coffee......

Hello, Old Friend

I really miss you.

My old, reliable friend who is always there for me when I need somewhere to go.

You’re always there for me.

I hear you calling my name and feel you tugging at my heart when I have been away from you for too long…

You welcome me with open arms…no matter how long it has been and no matter how much I have neglected you…

And even though you don’t say much…you somehow always make me feel better.

It’s like I am…lighter…after talking to you…

You always encourage me to do what I love most: write

I hate to admit it…but I know I have been neglecting you lately…

Life has been so busy…but it is finally starting to slow down again…kind of.

So…allow me to catch you up!

I have a NEW JOB!!!!!!! It is amazing. The way God works. Just to see how He has completely rocked my world this year. He has allowed me to see time and time again this year that He is so much greater than me and my circumstances…and my plans…

I started working for The Salvation Army in June…I am the coordinator for a new Community Center that we started up!! It is a place for junior high and high school students to come hang out after school. We have a computer room and games so they can come get their homework done, relax, or just socialize with other students who drop in! Our (Soft) Grand Opening was…….2 weeks ago I think? And it has been so much fun. God has really just been teaching me so much through it all. And I am just absolutely amazed that He has CHOSEN ME to do this job!

So that is what has been taking up most of my time these past few months…as the center is all completely brand new…and we had to build it from the bottom! It has been a lot of work…long days and nights and weekends and just…a lot…but it has all been incredible. I love my boss. So much. And I am just so blessed to be apart of The Salvation Army and SO BLESSED to be able to call my career a ministry of mine as well. It’s just incredible. It’s incredible that I found my dream job in the place where I would least expect it to be…and a place where I never wanted to end up…until I knew it was where God wanted me to be. It’s just amazing the things He does with our lives when we wait for HIS timing…when we wait…and just listen…

So what else…….

I have been asked to speak at a retreat in February!!! Pretty exciting! The topic is “The Single Life”…which…I have been becoming very well acquainted with this past year and a half haha…

When I was first asked to speak on the topic I was really excited…but the more I thought about it…the more it started to intimidate me…What the heck do you talk about when you talk about the “single” life…? What does that kind of talk look like? Being married I am sure there are plenty of things to talk about… “my husband and I do this and we work on this and we like to do this and we fight about this but we make up by doing this…” but being single isn’t really that way…since I…do….everything…….alone…

Haha KIDDING…I am actually really excited about it…intimidated…but excited…I’ll probably talk more about my…feelings…about all that later…

So what else…

Summer was just so busy with two summer camps, work starting up…tons of birthday parties, baby showers…youth events…just…so many things…

I guess I am just really excited about what is going on in my life…I mean…it has been really hard at times lately…and I think sometimes I lose sight of the value of life’s difficulties and how they are just challenges that will grow me if I let them…

But God is doing something incredible in me…and I don’t want to let all the busyness of life distract me from that. I always want everything in my life to come back to God because when it comes down to it, He is all that matters.

He is the reason why I’m here.

Sometimes I get discouraged because I think about the woman that I want to be...and when I compare it to who I am now…I feel like I have such a long ways to go…

…But then God reminds me of who I used to be…and I can hear Him reminding me over and over again of His unending grace and His unrelenting love…

and then I calm down…

and I breathe…

and I remember I’m never going to be perfect………..so then I start freaking out again haha…kidding…kind of…

Anyways…thanks for always listening…

If only...

“Jesus sought me when a stranger…”

Some of the most beautiful words that have ever kissed my ears…

Come Thou Fount is one of my favorite hymns, if not my favorite. Each verse haunts me with its imagery.

Last week I felt compelled to start re-reading the Gospels and really look into Christ’s life while He was here on earth and His interactions with people.

One thing really stuck out to me…not only does Christ have genuine love for His people – He has compassion for them.

In Matthew 9, while Jesus was going through the cities and villages preaching the gospel and healing the sick, He felt “compassion” for the people, “because they were distressed and dispirited like sheep without a shepherd.” (v. 36)

Matthew 14 tells us Jesus was met with a large crowd and because of the compassion He felt for them He healed their sick (v. 14)

In Matthew 15 Jesus turned seven loaves and “a few small fish” into a meal large enough to feed over four thousand people, because they had been following Him for three days with nothing to eat, and He felt compassion for them (v 32-38).

Jesus was “moved with compassion” in Matthew 20:29-34, when two blind men cried out to Him to have mercy on them and open their eyes. Jesus responded with touching their eyes and immediately they regained their sight.

I love the way Mark 10:21 writes, “Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him…” when talking about the rich young ruler…

The truth about me is that I am a sinner. But because of my sinful state…I will never wholly understand just how detrimental my sin truly is.

I will never completely understand how much I hurt God each time I sin.

And I will never know just how great a debt I had to God…or how truly sufficient Christ’s death on the cross was, to repay that debt of mine...

My sin clouds my judgment each day.

In every situation I carry a hint of a haze, causing me to be incapable of truly understanding the lost state of the world around me.

I think the sin of the world pains God much more than any of us will ever understand.

And yet – He pursues us…constantly.

“Ode to the One who knows who I can turn into at any time.

He delights in shining the sunshine into the places I want to keep dark.

And no one knows me like Him.”

(Ode by David Dunn)

He never gives up on us.

Instead of deeming us a lost cause – He did whatever He had to do to save us: He sent Christ to die for us. And He didn’t stop there. He incessantly walks with us and helps us and shows us how much better He could make us. He feels compassion towards us!!

“God looked into our world – the world he made – and saw us destroying ourselves and the world by turning away from him. It filled his heart with pain (Genesis 6:6). He loved us. He saw us struggling to extricate ourselves from the traps and misery we created for ourselves. And so he wrote himself in. Jesus Christ, the God-man, born in a manger, born to die on a cross for us. Behold who Jesus is, how he loves you and how he came to put the world right.” – Timothy Keller, Encounters with Jesus

If only we all saw people the way HE sees us…how differently we would behave…