I’m not sure
that I have ever written you a complete letter before. But for some reason…I
feel that it is all that I can do right now to help ease whatever this feeling is
that I have swelling up inside of me…
This is
probably one of the hardest times of the year for me. Not because I am alone.
But because I am not with you.
I can’t
express how sad I have felt lately...I don’t remember the last full day I went
without crying…it has been…depressing…to
say the least…
Not that my
life itself is depressing. I love my life.
I hate
admitting it – because I am someone who normally likes to be thought of as
“strong” and “independent” but I think it’s time that I face this little demon
inside of me…
So much of
me is aching for you…is it wrong to
allow one person to have so much affect over you? I struggle so much with this.
I know it’s wrong to obsess over
something and someone…and I don’t think it is that because I know I don’t put
you over my relationships with Christ. But the more I feel Him…the more I want
to feel you too. And how can it be wrong to desire someone that is so good for
me?
I know I am
already in love with you – but I just want to be able to love you.
I’ve felt
so…lost lately. Like I just haven’t been myself…and I haven’t felt motivated to
be myself either…
But then
something incredible happened:
The night before
last I spent the whole night at a hospital eagerly awaiting the arrival of a
precious baby boy.
I arrived at
the hospital around 9:30 p.m. and at 6:34 a.m. the next morning I got one of
the most exciting texts I have ever received: “HE’S HERE!!!!”
Sweet sweet Camden Avery Drucker
I didn’t
realize exactly what he meant to me until I stepped into that delivery room for
the third time… and saw precious little Camden for the first time…and tears
just began to fall from my eyes.
It is cliché
to say that seeing him made me feel…more complete?
Like he
provided me with something I had never felt before. A love that I never knew I
could have for someone…
And a terror
that I never knew was possible when I heard his panting.
He was
having complications breathing because of fluids in his lungs so he had to be
taken to the NICU…
I think I
may have been more frightened for him than anyone else there…everyone seemed to
be staying so calm…but my tears were uncontainable.
I couldn’t
bear to see something so little and precious go through such a struggle…but he
definitely wasn’t helpless. He was a fighter.
An hour
later after good breathing he was released from NICU!
He is
perfect.
I am so in
love.
I don’t know
how just one moment can change a person so much…but I know that after seeing
little Camden, I will never be the same.
Most of the
time…life is simple. It provides me with plenty of distractions throughout the
day to keep my mind off of you…
I go through
my daily routine of work and then youth groups throughout the week or hang out
with friends and my youth girls…
I have
incredible friends who I have such a fun time with…and most of the time I am
great!
But I have a
habit of keeping myself so busy…and I realized that I think I do that on
purpose…to avoid the fact that you aren’t in my life right now…because after
all of the craziness of the day, when I go home and lay in my bed…everything is
quiet…and even though my mind is always full of thoughts about whatever the
next day holds…I have nothing to distract me from the fact that I am alone.
And then I
remember that I miss you.
Or times
like the one where I was sitting in that hospital waiting room. One of the most
exciting times of my life…and you weren’t there to share it with me…
It’s months
like these that make me long for you more than any other time of the year…
Months like
October. With Halloween as my favorite holiday because it means apple picking
and pumpkin carving and watching scary movies and having campfires and trick or
treaters…it means cool weather and warm clothes…haunted houses and haunted
theme parks…
Colorful
leaves and bike rides…
Then there
is Thanksgiving and Christmas. Cuddling up by the fire with warm coffee and a
good book…
Relaxing
time with family and hectic Christmas shopping...
Rain…snow…
It’s all so
enchanting and romantic…
…and it all
happens without you…
But thank
God for days like yesterday…
Days that
come along completely unexpected and bring purpose and light into my world.
Days that
wake me up and FORCE me to see that life
is beautiful.
It has purpose.
It has excitement.
It has
little blessings that pinch me and big blessings that smack me in the face!
Days where
the most exciting things happen…
These days
help give me a push that I need.
They serve
as a reminder that God knows what He is doing. He IS GOOD.
And He
hasn’t forgotten about me.
I know not
one day goes by where He fails to give me exactly what I need for that day. He
gives me plenty of joys and gifts every single day…
And I am so
thankful for that. I wish I never lost sight of it.
People say
that it will happen when I least expect it. That one day I will turn a corner
and all of a sudden there you will be. Like you were just hanging out waiting
for me…
But I wish
you could have been there to see how beautiful he was. I wish I could share my
excitement with you. I’m realizing that that is what it is all about: sharing
in each others joys and happiness. And being able to be there for each other
when there is worry or sadness or discomfort. And pushing each other and
encouraging each other to be the best we can be and to not take life for
granted.
It’s these
moments that I love to have but don’t love to share without you…
One time I
started thinking about all of the moments that you have that excite you that I don’t
yet know about…but that seems to be too much some times…I want to be there with
you…but I am thankful that God is so good…and that He is giving you everything
you need for the time being as well.
You missed a
good one yesterday. But – I know there will be others.
And even
though I just want to share it all with you…
I will try
to be patient…
Love you,
Love me.
