It is days like the ones I have been having lately that make me SO incredibly thankful that HE holds onto ME - and my mood and attitude do not determine His plans for me and my worth in His eyes.
Lately I have been struggling with emotions. So many different ones.
I am SUCH a nosey person – and I’ll just be honest and say that quality hardly ever gets me anywhere good.
God really opened my eyes today in a way that I did not expect. And let’s be honest – if I had known before hand that He was going to do this – I probably would have been tempted to opt out of it…but nevertheless…it was good for me, and thankfully I did not have that choice.
No matter what – living in the light of truth is always best.
The truth may hurt – a lot. But living in it and being aware of it, is the only way to truly grow and to live.
I don’t want to admit this.
But I am jealous.
Another extremely unattractive word.
I know…just thinking about me being jealous, takes me down about 80 notches on the “desirable” scale…
But it’s true.
I am jealous of people who have what I want.
But the weird thing is, this jealousy, completely masked itself. At first – when I was talking to one of my friends about it – I didn’t refer to it as jealousy at all. Because I had no idea that that is what it really was.
How do I talk about this without saying too much…
You know my post on bitterness from earlier this week…well, this has a lot to do with it.
There are people I have been hurt by, and that hurt can easily, at times, turn to bitterness.
Especially when I see these people doing something that I want to be doing.
When I was talking to my friend about this – I was referring to it as just me being “hurt” and “betrayed” and those were somewhat appropriate words to describe it – but those were really only being used as euphemisms to hide what I was really feeling subconsciously.
Sometimes it is difficult because I feel like so much of who I used to be is still with me. So feelings of insecurities and inadequacy can easily surface in my mind.
But those insecurities are not what Christ wants me to listen to.
I have been forgiven.
And Christ has brought extreme change to my life.
He has given me a new heart.
And though others may use my past and future mistakes as a threat against me – God never will.
Because I am a Christian: Each day is a new chance for divisions and struggles. And with these, come pain, heartache, and strife. But also because I am a Christian, with these come healing, growth, and strength.
Christ calls us to take up our cross daily (Luke 9:23). Daily. It is and always will be a daily struggle.
And each day we will have a chance.
A chance to choose what we are going to do.
Are we going to let ourselves be defeated by the heartache and struggles that we go through?
Or are we going to look at our situations and face them head on with Christ as our guide?
While I was venting my feelings of “hurt” and “betrayal” to one of my friends they just point blank said to me: “Michal – it’s not about them. It’s not about what they are doing and what they have. And it’s not about you either.”
The truth is – no matter how much I want it to be – it is not about me. And no matter how much I try to make it about me – it never will be. And thank God for that. Because I am in no way the kind of something that anything should be about.
But God promises me that if I take these struggles to Him – He will set me right.
One of my absolute favorite bands is The Almost. There literally is not one song that they have recorded that I am indifferent about. All of their songs are extremely raw and relatable. They have a song – Awful Direction. It is my favorite song of theirs (it is also in the playlist at the end of my blog):
Life has given me the, me the creeps
I need you to make, to make, to make me weak
I have made my world my own, I've made it my own
And I have never been so alone
I can't stop my brain from moving
In an awful direction Lord
I can't stop my hands from doing
What I don't want to do anymore
I've been wrong
I've been right
But tonight
I just wanna be yours
I'm planning this out
To be all about me
I, I am wrong can you help me?
I can't stop this brain from moving
In an awful direction Lord
I can't stop these hands from doing
What I don't want to do anymore
I've been wrong
I've been right
But tonight
I just wanna be yours
I've got to let go of all of this
'cause I'm dragging me down
I can't stop my brain from moving
In an awful direction Lord
I can't stop my hands from doing
What I don't want to do anymore
I've been wrong
I've been right
But tonight
I just wanna be yours
I just wanna be yours
I just wanna be yours
“Truth is its own spotlight. It chases away the shadows of deceit, dishonesty, and duplicity. And more. In the presence of light, fear releases its grip, anger fizzles, and jealousy recedes.” – Patsy Clairmont
Songs from tonights playlist...
Starting Over - Audio Adrenaline
Undeniable - Mat Kearny
Times - Tenth Avenue North
You Are More - Tenth Avenue North
Can't Get Over You - Anthem Lights
Our God's Alive - Andy Cherry
Keep Your Eyes Open - Needtobreathe
** Devil's Been Talkin' - Needtobreathe
** Monster Monster - The Almost
** Awful Direction - The Almost
