I wish I were a better person.
There are specific things that I wish I were
better at…but more so – just in general – I wish I were better.
My mentor once told me – God gives us the
things He wants us to give to/share with others. And (within the reason of
discernment) it is not our responsibility to pick and choose who we give to.
Her words haunt me every day…
There are so many things about my character
and personality that I really don’t care much for. On a day-to-day basis I pick
and choose who to go out of my way for and who to pass by.
I dare not blame it on my upbringing –
because both of my parents are full of love – but I choose only to place the
blame on myself because of my own insecurities and fears…but why am I so afraid
of others who are not like me…?
I have been met, recently, with people who
are much different than I am. The way they think, speak, act, and show love, is
much different than the way I do things. And because of my insecurities I
choose to pass them by.
Instead of accepting and embracing them in
their differences with how God has
created them – I am afraid of them.
Sometimes I’m caught in the wonderings of
whether or not God has given me love for people…but my
doubts/questions/misgivings are quickly put to shame when I realize that it is
not God who has come up short in His gifts…but it’s me who has lacked severely
in my distribution.
God gives me love so that I am able to give
it to others! Like a love conduit! When I go to Him, He fills me with His love,
and it overflows. Forcing me to give it to others. And only by His good grace –
some of that love gets stuck to the inside of me on its’ way out…
That was a strange analogy….
But I don’t know how else to explain it – and
if I don’t give His love to others…sometimes I wonder if maybe He’ll stop
giving it to me…
I’m not going to dare say that’s a biblical
statement…but it almost seems believable right?
I mean – I know God will never stop
loving me. No matter what.
But it’s kind of like…if we are not good
stewards with what God has given us…then He might not give us anything else…
So maybe Him withholding His love from us is not exactly accurate…but what about
hardening our hearts towards His
love…not that He would ever want to do anything like that…but…if we aren’t
obedient in sharing His love…then why would He continue to allow us to feel it?
I know it’s selfish, saying that I want to
give God’s love because I’m afraid of losing it – but sometimes…that is a sad
truth for me. Like in the moments where I’m not feeling full of a giving heart.
Those moments I have to force it a bit more…maybe it’s just because I know I should be loving and giving…so it
keeps me accountable…
But isn’t it just so much easier to give to
those who you feel deserve it or who
you want to give to? This is what I
want to change about myself…I want to freely give to everyone – not because I
have judged them to be worthy of it –
but because GOD has made it so that I am worthy
of HIS gifts.
It makes me wonder if there are ever times where
God doesn’t feel like giving His love
to me…but He does it anyways because He has promised He would…
I just don’t want to be afraid of people who
are different than me…
I want to exhibit Christ’s love – in that I
love everyone. And
everyone the same.
