This blog post has been a long time coming.
Each time I have tried to finish it – my mind
has gotten distracted. I feel that I can never do this subject justice and
explain just how important it is to me…
I probably never will get it exactly right...
I have spent the past week at a Salvation
Army Camp for children and teens. I am here as a “bus chaperone” with our kids
from back home…but since we live so far away, the other chaperone and I just
stay up here the whole week…doing…well…whatever we want I guess – my week has
been filled with paperwork…and sitting…and thinking…and praying…and evaluating…
Tonight was the last campfire for the
students. It started off mainly really fun and upbeat – then it got to the
devotion part.
A 21 year old girl walked up on the stage,
took the microphone in her hands, then sat on the stage steps. I had seen this
girl throughout the week at lunch and dinner and she never looked
light-hearted. She either wasn’t feeling well, wasn’t having a good day or just
was not a very friendly person…either way – I never bothered to ask. Not that I
ever came in close enough contact to – but – still…
As she sat on the stage you could tell she
had a heavy heart. The counselors did the best they could keeping the one
hundred 8-12 year old children quiet – but they didn’t have to try for very
long – because once the girl said the word “cancer” – the whole area was
completely silent.
She talked about how she had not been feeling
well lately so she went to the doctor. Just today she received the test results
showing that she was positive for cancer. She talked about how she was scared
and afraid but how God was giving her peace – just looking at this girl – you
would never know her true struggle. She’s so young…
21 years old…
And just like that – the petty problems of my
life are put into perspective.
I try so hard to act every day that nothing
scares me. When in reality – my fears probably control me more than anything
else.
I could write a novel-length list filled with
all of the things that I am afraid of.
Circumstance after circumstance and event
after event…any admiration that you may have once had for me would slip away
more and more with each line revealing how much of a coward I truly am.
My natural instinct is to say that I wish I
wasn’t afraid of anything. A reoccurring desire of mine is my yearning to be
able to conquer any obstacle in my way because of my lack of fear…
I crave to be fearless and bold, yet I run
from the slightest potential of difficulty.
“Courage” is what this little lion lacks.
It seems the list of my fears goes on and on…
The truth is: I am afraid. I am afraid of
anything and everything.
I could write my fears down starting the list
with simple things like snakes or heights…and I could gradually progress to
“larger” fears like being afraid that my brother will never accept Christ or
being afraid of terrorism and dangerous leadership.
But what I am most afraid of is, not just
being afraid in general…but being a coward.
I am afraid that I will fold under pressure
and not stand up for what I believe in or what I know to be true.
I am afraid of not having courage…
and of being weak…
I don’t want to fear anything more than I
fear God.
I don’t want to deem my safe haven as being
anything this world can break. I choose
for my safe haven to be something untouchable and indestructible. Not only
something that CAN conquer all but something that HAS ALREADY conquered ALL.
My safe haven is MY GOD. And my strength is
His Holy Spirit.
And when push comes to shove – I want to be a
rock. I want to stand firm in my
faith and the things I believe in.
And I always want to have peace in the fact
that God has me.
No matter what.
My main desire in life is to be bold (and to
eat nothing by junk food but always stay healthy…but hey…you can’t have
everything I guess…)
I want to have courage and be bold.
But…I’m realizing something about boldness…it
comes in all different forms. It may be standing up for yourself and fighting
back against someone who is trying to hurt you – or it may be just simply
looking them in the eye and smiling politely.
It may be speaking up for what is right when
everyone else is just sitting there avoiding what is going on.
Or it may be standing up in front of a huge
group of people, completely immersed in God’s peace and talking about how you
just found out earlier that same day that you have cancer.
I’m terrified at the state of this world. I
am terrified to see how far it has come and where it is going…
I am terrified when I think back on just what
has happened in this past year – and I am terrified to think about sitting here
one year from now thinking about what will be going on then.
I can’t control what happens tomorrow…I cant
even control what happens today – but I can, in a way, control how prepared I
am for it.
But I am terrified I will not be prepared for
it.
Fear is crippling.
It seeps into the bones and somehow paralyzes
you…it can cause you to do absolutely nothing
when every inch of you is screaming for you to do something.
I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
I don’t want to allow my fear to control me
I don’t even want to be afraid of being
afraid!
I just want to be.
I just want God as my main focus.
He is the only One that will get me through my fears - Everything else is
just a distraction from my fears…
