His love is thread...

I heard two stories today that both completely broke my heart, but then, if possible, put it back together even more full than it was before.

The first story was about a couple. Larissa and Ian met while they were in college and fell in love. After 10 months of dating Ian got into an accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury.  He had to have surgery on his brain, and slowly started to recover little by little. Today, Larissa and Ian are married. Ian is able to talk somewhat, and he is learning to walk.

I really encourage you all to watch this video on their story. I am not sure I have ever seen Gods love displayed in such a selfless and incredible way.

With Larissa as the caretaker of the family and Ian barley able to speak – it is possible that they will never be able to do things that normal couples are able to do.

If you’re a single human being (I would say “girl”, but I know for a fact guys think about stuff like this too) then I am sure that whenever you think about being married, it is not uncommon for you to think things like; “I cannot wait to be married and…(insert exciting/fun activity here)...” I always think about this kind of stuff.

For instance…I really have not been all that interested in doing fun things with my guy friends lately because honestly…I’m just at the point where I would rather just do something by myself than go on an adventure with someone who is not going to be my husband.

Maybe that sounds weird…but I would rather just not put any time or effort into relationships with guys when I am not interested in them romantically…I think I’ve just come to the place where I know that one day I’ll probably have to say something like the following to my future husband: “Hey, I am so sorry that I wasted all this time and energy on guys who really ended up being nothing in my life…but at least in the end I got my act together!”

I don’t know…I’m just not interested in settling anymore. And if an amazing guy comes along…I don’t want to be caught up with someone else who I know I don’t have/want a future with and miss out on my opportunity to be with this other guy…yah know? Alright…I’m getting off track…

Anywho…just watching this video of this couple really convicted me.

I can’t even tell you how many times thoughts have entered my mind about how I cannot even fathom what TRUE LOVE would be like. Like GENUINE PURE SELFLESS LOVE.

Christ’s love for us! OF COURSE! But – what does that look like when displayed in a romantic relationship? And even more so, what in the WORLD would that look like displayed in a romantic relationship in MY life?! I couldn’t tell yah! I’ve never experienced it.

I’m not just talking about someone loving me this way. Truthfully…I am talking about me loving someone else this way.

I am about as selfish as selfish gets. I whine and obsess over the little things. Everything has to be my way. I basically cry and stress over spilled water. It’s ridiculous. (I know…you’re only thinking about how absurd and obnoxious life with me would be…now’s you’re chance to run…)

But when my relationship with and love for Christ is flourishing - - so is my love for others.

And the love that this couple displays – it’s pure selflessness.

It’s not about the thousand of big and little things that normal couples get to experience together and adventures they get to go on…it is about their genuine love for each other and their genuine love and desire for God.

Pure beauty.

Besides absolutely everything about this video, there were two things that stuck out to me:

When talking about what’s important in their relationship, Larissa says:

“Ian always comes back to the foundational truths of who God is, and kind of reels me back in from my emotions.”

Maybe this just seems like a simple comment – one that every Godly couple should be able to say.

But I’ve never had that.

I wish I could count the exact times I have thought (and others have told me) about how I need someone who is able to handle me…but I’m starting to think that maybe it really isn’t all about “me” or “who” will be able to “handle me”

I’ve been in stubborn relationships before where the person I am with and I are not afraid to tell each other how WE feel or what WE think or what WE believe to be true. But I have never – NOT ONCE – ever, been with someone who directs me back to the “foundational truths of who God is”

Not once have I experienced a time where my boyfriend and I were disagreeing and him open up the bible and us explore how God feels on the matter.

But some day.

The second thing that stuck out to me:

Larissa and Ian were going through This Momentary Marriage by John Piper with two of their friends. When talking about different things that the couples could learn from each other, Larissa expressed something that the other couple may have been able to learn from her and Ian:

“…maybe the little things that they’re excited about marriage are worth being excited about but they’re not the end all and be all of their marriage.”

I know I basically already buried this horse…but at the moment…I just can’t get over how selfish I can be.

The things that I allow myself to get caught up on at times…really aren’t that important in the scheme of things…

Everything that I have always thought to be so important…is just kind of fading…

I encourage you to watch the above video on Larissa and Ian…and if you have time – do some more googling on the couple. Maybe they will encourage you as much as they have encouraged me.

“Marriage is not mainly about prospering economically; it is mainly about displaying the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. Knowing Christ is more important than making a living. Treasuring Christ is more important than bearing children. Being united to Christ by faith is a greater source of marital success than perfect sex and double-income prosperity.

If we make secondary things primary, they cease to be secondary and become idolatrous. They have their place. But they are not first, and they are not guaranteed. . . . So it is with marriage. It is a momentary gift. It may last a lifetime, or it may be snatched away on the honeymoon. Either way, it is short. It may have many bright days, or it may be covered with clouds. If we make secondary things primary, we will be embittered at the sorrows we must face. But if we set our face to make of marriage mainly what God designed it to be, no sorrows and no calamities can stand in our way. Every one of them will be, not an obstacle to success, but a way to succeed. The beauty of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church shines brightest when nothing but Christ can sustain it.”

                        - John Piper

Alright…Story #2 from today:

During high school bible study tonight, the woman leading it was talking about how Christ changes people.

She talked about a girl who had been molested by her father at a young age. Since then, the father has accepted Christ and become a COMPLETELY different person, and because of this – the girl and her father are able to have a healthy relationship today.

This is the power of Christ.

I think it’s safe to say that we all have been hurt by someone that we allowed to have our trust.

Maybe some of us have been hurt in greater ways than others – nevertheless – it is all hurt and it is all pain. And it all can be crippling.

How do you forgive someone who has done something like this to you?

Not only that – how do you get to the point of healing and forgiveness that you not only are able to verbally tell this person that you forgive them and mean it, but you are also able to have a NEW HEALTHY relationship with them?!?!

“I wish I could save you” – words I once spoke to someone who was dear to me. It took a few years of knowing this person until I was truly able to understand the sort of life they lived. Struggling every day with bitterness and anger towards a past abuser. Pushing people away left and right and putting on a “happy” face. Being overcome by insecurities and confusion…because of their ignored pain, this person only knew how to hurt others, instead of accepting the love that people wanted to give them. I watched them each and every day, create and entertain new thoughts of hatred toward others. Creating false, destructive, situations and swearing up and down that they were legitimate. This was the first time in my life that the idea of paranoia was actually a reality. A reality that my life could have survived without. I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually abused by this person. I was the textbook story for someone who was in an abusive relationship, the poster child for codependency. After I got out – I was not sure how long it would take before I would stop crying myself to sleep because of the pain I allowed myself to experience. It took months for me to no longer shutter at a knock on the door or the sound of my phone ringing for fear it was this person. I had no idea if I would ever again feel safe walking to and from my car by myself. I really did not think it was possible for me to experience a relationship free from lying and hiding, for fear of the other person thinking I was doing who knows what. I could go on about the emotional damage that this relationship left on me – but none of that really matters anymore. Don’t get me wrong – it is serious. Is it extremely serious – and I would never take my situation – or any other situation similar to mine lightly. Tears are still brought to my eyes when I think about the destructive lifestyle I allowed myself to live for over a year. How I allowed myself to be hurt in such a way that really no person should ever have to go through. And my heart still aches when I think about how I hurt so many other people in my life who cared about me…and when I think about how God must have felt being there for every part of it.

But what I meant by “it doesn’t matter anymore” was…it no longer has power over me. It no longer affects me and cripples me the way that it did. I no longer carry hatred or anger towards this person…I’m not afraid of developing relationships with people anymore…I’m free. Because of Christ’s love and forgiveness – I am free! Yes – I still bawl my eyes out when I watch a movie where a woman is being abused and then finally stands up to her abuser…but that’s because of the bitter-sweet feeling I get when I remember the hope that each and every person in a similar situation has. The sweet sweet hope of Jesus Christ.

I have no idea how people live without it.

So maybe there are completely different lessons to be learned by these two stories…or maybe not so much.

They both are thread with a love greater than anything that I have ever dreamed of.

A love that is able to HEAL and EMPOWER and RESTORE. A love that is able to take one woman and turn her into a being so selfless that she sacrifices her life each and every day to take care of her husband because of her faith and love for Christ. And a love that is more than able to strengthen and guide her each and every day through whatever life throws at her. A love that causes her to live above every day dealings that a normal person might consider inconvenient or imperfect. A love that replaces all pride and self-worries with humility and hope.

And a love that takes a relationship broken and torn by one of the most disgusting and disturbing acts – and turns it into something so sweet and pure. A love that restores. A love that takes what you and I might see as impossible – and turns it into one of the most beautiful truths.

Only the love of Christ can accomplish such things. And it’s all in a moments work for Him.

I am in awe at how this very same love lives inside of you and me.

And yet, I still have the nerve to wonder each day – how I will forgive this person or that person for simple petty things which they have done to me.

I still get caught up in my prideful ways of trying to convince myself that I “deserve” to be angry and this person or that person because of something they have done.

But it’s not about me and the feelings I convince myself that I am entitled to.

It is about forgiveness. And love. And Christ. And living ABOVE the problems that this world dishes out every day.

I really cannot wait until I am free of all that is human nature inside of me…

So to this person who hurt me so deeply, I FORGIVE YOU. Because God loves and forgives me – I am able to love and forgive you. And I pray that if you haven’t already – that one day you truly find the genuine peace, healing, love and forgiveness that Christ wants you to have. Because of Christ – I am able to say that I TRULY DO hope that you find Gods’ best for you and I DO hope that you find pure JOY in Christ and that your life is utterly beautiful – in good times and bad.

“Our courts are filled with terrible criminal cases. Stalkers, slashers, terrorists, abusers, murderers, even serial killers. We read of a man who has killed sixty people – murdered them in the most gruesome of ways. We watch him sit in court and smile through his trial, and we think, what an animal! And so he may be. But what is easy to ignore is this: The same animal-like nature resides in me, and it resides in you. It is wicked to the core. It is vile beyond belief. And were it not for the presence of grace and the miraculous deliverance of Jesus Christ at work within us, controlling our passions and urging us to forgive and more on, it would consume us. And we would kill and not give it a second thought.

How absolutely powerless we are to solve our own inner problem of evil. Were not the power of the Holy Spirit given to me in daily doses, literally moment-by-moment doses, my grudges, my lack of forgiveness could grow into thoughts that would shock you. And yours would shock me…

It is for this very reason that God invaded our polluted world in the Person of His Son, Jesus Christ. We’re not able to help ourselves, but the Lord Jesus can. He opened the door to forgiveness and power on the cross on which He was placed. He let nails be driven into His hands and feet, and He hung and died there, so that whoever would believe in Him would never perish in their own sin and evil. Somehow, in some wonderful way, the blood that came from His body serves as an internal detergent that washes away our sins. No words I could give you, or that anyone could give you, will do that. But the blood of Christ will.”

                                    - Charles Swindoll, Esther: A Woman of Strength and Dignity

I know who goes before me

Lately I have needed encouragement. A lot of it.

A lot of my spare time lately has been taken up with me just feeling kind of confused about some things going on.

And at the end of the day I am just kind of left feeling insecure and…uneasy in my own skin.

Have you ever felt a fight inside of you? It’s almost like that whole “devil and angel on your shoulder” kind of thing. You know what is both right and wrong, yet they are still at war within you.

I am so thankful for Christ. I wish I could explain the change that He has created in me these past few years. I know that because of what Christ has done for me and because of who I am in Him, the good will always overcome the bad inside of me…and those times when the bad does seem to win…God will still use that for His glory and for my good.

I have been so encouraged lately by one simple fact: He goes before me.

Lately, these words have had such a literal sense to me. There have been times when I have been so insecure that I have even been terrified to walk into a room because of the fear of not knowing what is going to happen. Yet God just keeps whispering in my ear, “I’m here waiting for you. I’ve already conquered that.”

Because of Christ, I’m free from seeking out fleeting security in the world. And I’m free to find ultimate, lasting security in Him.

I just need to OBEY Him.

I can reason my insecurities and try to justify them all I want. But until I fully give them over to Him, I am just going to keep fighting the same battle.

These days I have just really been stuck on me and how I am feeling. And I think that that is only making it worse.

So I just want to encourage any of YOU who are struggling with insecurities right now. And I want to offer you the comfort in knowing that whatever it is that you’re afraid of, whether it’s picking up your phone, or walking outside of your door, or like me…walking into a room…just know that if you are obeying and walking with Christ, He has gone before you and conquered ALL of your fears and insecurities. And He is with you…just waiting and ready to walk you through whatever it is you are hiding from.

How Will I Know?

Jesus answered and said, ’I thank You, Father . . . that You have hidden these things from the wise and prudent and have revealed them to babes’ —Matthew 11:25

We do not grow into a spiritual relationship step by step— we either have a relationship or we do not. God does not continue to cleanse us more and more from sin— “But if we walk in the light,” we are cleansed “from all sin” (1 John 1:7). It is a matter of obedience, and once we obey, the relationship is instantly perfected. But if we turn away from obedience for even one second, darkness and death are immediately at work again.

All of God’s revealed truths are sealed until they are opened to us through obedience. You will never open them through philosophy or thinking. But once you obey, a flash of light comes immediately. Let God’s truth work into you by immersing yourself in it, not by worrying into it. The only way you can get to know the truth of God is to stop trying to find out and by being born again. If you obey God in the first thing He shows you, then He instantly opens up the next truth to you. You could read volumes on the work of the Holy Spirit, when five minutes of total, uncompromising obedience would make things as clear as sunlight. Don’t say, “I suppose I will understand these things someday!” You can understand them now. And it is not study that brings understanding to you, but obedience. Even the smallest bit of obedience opens heaven, and the deepest truths of God immediately become yours. Yet God will never reveal more truth about Himself to you, until you have obeyed what you know already. Beware of becoming one of the “wise and prudent.” “If anyone wills to do His will, he shall know . . .” (John 7:17).

- My Utmost For His Highest

vanilla + chocolate + strawberry does NOT always = neapolitan

You know when some things in life just don’t go your way…or the way you had hoped/planned?

Like this morning…when I decided to mix my vanilla protein powder and my chocolate vitamin mix in my shake…I was hoping for more of a softserve taste effect – didn’t happen. I also put strawberries in my morning shakes so it would have even been cool to have that neapolitan taste going on…not even close. So I stress…do not mix vanilla protein powder and chocolate vitamin mix in your morning shake. It’s not good. It’s not a banana split. Morning shakes are not the time to experiment dessert ideas…just don’t do it. It’ll throw off your whole day.

Or when you go to take a huge gulp of your sprite and you are sooooo excited because it’s been so long since you have tasted those glorious little carbonated bubbles of heaven and it’s already too late when you realize that you have just swallowed a whale of a size gulp of just plain water and you feel cheated…and sadden…and a little dumb.

A few weeks ago I had a test in biology and a few Saturdays ago I received my score from that test. I saw a “40.75” written on my score sheet and automatically shoved the sheet to be hidden deep in my folder. The guy who sits behind me in class is very helpful and very sweet (he is also one of my lab partners) he asked me how I did and I shyly gave a “ugh it was awful” grin…”oh man, yeah I got a 77, I thought I had done better” a 77??? I got a 40.75 pal, whatever .75 means…Last night was the first time since then that I have been able to crack my biology folder out. And I found that little devil of a score sheet again. I never read anything all of the way through…just like I never think anything all of the way through…I should probably fix this…I got a 40.75 out of 50……….I got an 81.5%!! Which in this class, is a very high B! (I know it may not seem great, but I have been working my little toosh off in this class so I am very proud…oh aaaand I just skipped one whole question page on the test cause I really had no idea what it was talking about…) This is an example of a time when I had thought something had not gone my way, but infact, did so more than I had hoped.

Why am I telling you all of this you may ask…to be truthful. I really don’t know. It is most likely me just needing to ramble because I have been extremely ill the past week and have not gotten to talk to anyone or do anything and I have just had to sit here in this house and…live…with myself…and my kidney infection…and my 104 degree fever…ugh…it can be exhausting…being alone…sick and alone…haha okay…you get it…

A few weeks ago I was selected to receive a pre-released copy of Jefferson Bethke’s new book Jesus > Religion so I could read it and review it on my blog! I was pretty stoked about the opportunity! (still am, just somewhat bummed of….) But have I stressed how incredible crazy my life has been these past few months? Between youth groups, school, work, and trying to maintain a social life…things can get a little out of hand. Then I had to go and get deathly ill! Which led me to fall behind in class!

But I mean who am I? What do I have to complain about? I have an awesome life!

Anywho – I am just bummed…because I really was looking forward to writing a review for you all BEFORE the book was released…which okay, it was just released only today…but still…it would have been nice…(just like having my morning shake taste like neapolitan ice cream would have been nice)

I am STILL going to read it and I am STILL going to write a review on it. I am just not exactly certain when…but until then, I encourage you all to check out Jeff and his ditty on the book HERE and after that, if you are interested, look into purchasing the book here!

Oh AND…I believe I wrote a little about the spoken word poetry thing I went to in August? P4CM? Ringing any bells? Yes? No? Okay, I don’t remember, but Jeff actually does spoken word as well (which you would have already known if you checked out the above video on his book)! And has worked with P4CM! So if you have some time, you should check out one of my favorite poems by him right here as well!

Alright…I am very behind in school…I need to get back to studying…

It's a knock-down-drag-out war

Alright. I give.

I’ve tried for what seems like so long now to not write about this.

“No way!” I’ve told myself. I set stern, specific, very solid boundaries for myself and swore that, at least for the time being, I was going to be stronger.

I’ll be “vulnerable” and write my posts with “humility” but this takes the two to completely different levels… so I refuse.

And I was doing very well. I am very proud of myself for “staying strong” for so long…but now, I am afraid, my stubbornness must come to a colossal…crashing…end.

I received some pretty exciting news lately about some friends of mine. Something that I should be ecstatic about! But when I found out, I knew my reaction was substantially less than what the deliverer of the news had expected. Shoot…my reaction was substantially less than what I had expected. I may have been able to pull off a smiley “congratulations” at the moment…and being my prying self, thankfully I had enough practice to make it seem as if I wanted details…but later that day after leaving my friend, when I had more time to think about it, I became jealous. And later that night…I cried myself to sleep.

It was easier before, back when I was a cynic to it all. Back when I was not entirely sure I wanted to believe there was such a thing as “true love”.

But hold on. Let’s back up…because lack of “true love” is not where this started.

My career and education is where it started. I attended a University for 4 ½ years, and at the end of that time, I walked the stage at graduation, shook hands with the head of my department and the schools president, and smiled for a picture with my fake diploma. (okay everyone took a picture with a fake diploma) But if they had been the real things, then mine still would have been fake. I “graduated” with 8 deficient credits because I pushed off my least favorite subjects until the very end of college: Biology and Physical Science. That was, now, almost 2 ½ years ago. For situations I really don’t care to explain…I have not been able to finish up those classes until now! Finally!

How do I explain that to someone? “Well I walked…so I no longer attend that school, but I don’t have my bachelors so I can’t yet put that on a resume…so for now I can’t really use my degree in the work field…I still have two classes…yada yada yada…” it gets old…and try writing that on a job application…”Year I attended 4 ½ years of college but have not yet received my bachelors…it uh….got lost in the mail…?”

So yes, person whom I have not seen or spoken with in several years. I am now 25 years old. I live with my parents. I’m still in the process of getting my bachelors degree, and I only work three days a week…doing things that don’t have much to do with my degree.

I wont even try to justify my current situation by explaining the events of my life. Because you know what, I could have done things differently. I could have finished all of my classes while I was still at the university, I could have stayed in Arizona and kept my great paying job and be living on my own and not with my parents. But things just didn’t happen that way. And I don’t believe that that was by chance.

So when you ask me, in a condescending tone, why I do not currently have a career in my field of education and why I am “wasting” all of that time and money put into my schooling…you’re not helping me. And when you give me a “look” of dissatisfaction about me moving back in with my parents…you’re not building me up.

Meanwhile…there are things that I am able to do to lighten the mood of it all…like referring to my parents as my “roommates” instead of my parents…a humor tactic derived from one of my dear friends who is also my age and living with his parents…I mean…who also has roommates…

So that is where this has started…negative reactions from people who disapprove with where my “career” life is at…and it’s only getting worse.

So where was I…ah yes…

…it was easier before, back when I was a cynic to it all. Back when I was not entirely sure I wanted to believe there was such a thing as “true love”.

“I never want to get married.”

I had everyone, including myself, so fooled.

It’s easier to deal with things in life when you refuse to admit them.

And it’s all thanks to you! You disgustingly gooshy romantic couples who are so in love with your high school sweethearts and your 2 gorgeous babies and another on the way. And you! You perfect newlyweds who are starting your new “exciting” lives together and having “sleepovers” with your “best friend” every night…from now until…well forever! And you…you couples who have been married for several years now and are deciding to finally have a child…

It’s all your fault. YOU are the cause of what has become of me…

Okay…I’m not angry with you and I really don’t even “blame you”…through your hearts and your love for your spouse and your children, God has given me a change of heart. And thus brings me to why relationships genuinely terrify me. I know myself enough to know that I never know what I want.

If I could, at one time, feel so dead set against something and then all of a sudden wake up one day with a change of heart toward it…then how will I ever know that what I “feel” is really what I want and what is for me?

In high school…or shall I refer to it as “my younger years” I had an idea of the perfect man for me. And praise the good Lord I never found that guy.

The perfect man for me has gone through MANY major life changes throughout the years…

He has gotten full sleeve tattoos…while a needle with ink has never touched his skin

He has received an education from the most prestigious of grad schools…he ran off to travel the world immediately after high school

He’s lived in the big city, scraping by as a hopeless romantic musician…he’s square danced at his hometowns country club in Tennessee since before high school

He’s been a standup comedian…he’s a youth pastor

He’s aggressively approached me with cheesy flirtatious humor…he’s shyly eyed me from the corner of the room

He’s been the class clown…he’s been the “bad boy”

He loves to watch old movies and cuddle on the couch…he hates to stay indoors

He writes and recites poetry…he has no idea what an allegory is

And last but not least, he has starred in all of my favorite romantic movies: comedies and dramas.

If I ever met a man who embodied all of the things I “think” I want…He’d most likely suffer from a serious case of multiple personality disorder.

So be thankful I have not gotten married yet…because I would probably be trapped in a horror film.

Moving on…

A few years ago one of my friends was talking about a girl she knew, who had gone through a “rebel” stage shall we say, and now that she had grown out of it, she was worried that God was not going to ever give her someone to marry because she had lived such a bad lifestyle before.

TRUST ME. I thought this worry was utterly ridiculous as well. But now that I am in that same position…sometimes I cannot help but wonder the same thing. Feel free to be honest and admit that you may, at times, have this “punishment/reward” mentality about God as well.

I’ve made mistakes…I’ve done things I certainly am not proud of. And now, at times…I do wonder if God has chosen to not allow me to get married because of my past.

I know it’s ridiculous. And completely a lie from Satan. But lately I have been so vulnerable and insecure about all of this…that it’s been difficult to not allow the enemy to get his foot in the door…

Yesterday I was talking to one of my friends about it and what he said really helped me.

Opposite of me, this friend has done everything the “right” way. He is 25 years old, single at the moment, and has only had a few girlfriends, with whom he has never gone further than kissing.

After I confessed my above fear to him, he reminded me that he has lived the right way, and has obeyed God and done everything the way he should, yet, he is in the same position as I am. Single!

Then I started thinking about it.

I have several single friends who have lived exceptionally healthy lifestyles and have never even dated before.

So if God’s gifts are conditional, the way I am allowing Satan to persuade me they are, then where are their wives and husbands? Doesn’t putting restrictions on God’s love and gifts make His unconditional love…conditional…?

Maybe God hasn’t forgotten about me after all…

But what if a happy ending, for me, doesn’t mean having the “man of my dreams”? What if it isn’t having a happy marriage, 5 kids, a blue heeler and a house with a white picket fence? Can I still be fully satisfied and happy with my life? WILL I?

If I continue what I am doing and stick with Christ, then I will.

I pray every day that He changes my desires to what His desires are for me. Whether that means that I fall madly in love tomorrow, 10 years from now, or never – I will still be completely satisfied and joyful in life, because I will be living out His plan for me.

So if you want to know when I am going to get married and when I am going to start my desired career and put my specific education to work, then ask the One running the show! Don’t ask me. I have no answers for you.

I have had my own plans in life. They have never worked out.

So let me be me. Let me focus on what I have. Not on what I don’t.

I want to be focused on all of the amazing and incredible gifts that Christ has placed in my life! My new car! Finally finishing up my bachelors! My new job! Being healthy and able to do the things that I want to do in life! But when all you can talk to me about is what you think I should be doing and ask me about why I am not (your idea of) further along in life…it makes me insecure. And it builds resentment inside of me towards people who do have what I want…my friends and family and those I love…

And please, no matter how well your intentions might be, please don’t try to set me up with so and so because you “think” we’d be a good match…even though you’re true reason behind it is because you either feel sorry for me or you’re tired of not being able to go on double dates. Maybe I’m tired of being the third wheel…and you constantly bringing awareness to the fact that I am single, is only making me feel more and more inadequate because of it.

We don’t need to be focused on making our time together a mission of “Finding Michal a Husband”

Trust me…I don’t care to talk about it anymore than you do…

I’m well aware that single people have different types of problems as married people.

I’m aware that you have to speak to your spouse before making any kind of decision.

I’m aware that you don’t want me to stay so late at your house because you have…other things…to do.

Trust me! I AM SO AWARE!

Let’s just try to grasp this concept people…what if YOUR portrayal of a happy and accomplished life is DIFFERENT from mine? And what if your plan for my life…is different than what God has for me? Maybe the things I want for my life aren’t what God wants for me…and I can work on that to the best of my ability…but I can’t change how you feel. Denying myself and fighting my selfish desires is one thing...but I certainly cannot fight yours as well.

So when you continually bring attention to the subject on how I sleep alone at night and might quite possibly become a creepy cat lady one day (okay maybe not in those specific words…) you’re making me feel like I am doing something wrong and letting you down in some way.

Trust me. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t always care what you and everyone else thinks about me and my life…but sometimes…I do.

It’s a knock-down-drag-out war, this “single” business. But you’re my friends. You’re my family. I don’t want you to push me down and dishearten me. I NEED you to build me up and encourage me! I need you to be my support system!

Especially when one half of my ex boyfriends are happily married with beautiful babies, and the other half are happily dating!

Instead of feeling sorry that I am not with the right guy…how about being happy for me that I am not with the wrong guy?

Don’t push me into relationships that may potentially hurt and damage me more. Encourage me that God has perfect timing, and He will bring the right man to me at the right time and make it unmistakably obvious. And until then, we can just be us and talk about…whatever else we would be talking about…

Haven’t you thought about how maybe God is using this time to prepare me for something that is going to happen in the future…and your negative outlook on my life may be hindering me from becoming who I need to be…(or you may be helping…and in that case…criticize on!)

Don’t get me wrong…I am thankful for you and your concern. I just have a feeling that I will be more thankful for your obsession with my love-life when I do finally find my future husband and you (assumingly) will be so ecstatic for me…maybe even more excited for me than I am! Jk…

I want to be happy for you and YOUR life and what God is doing with and for YOU and where He has you…So please…can’t you just be happy for me?