Alright. My poor blog deserves so much better than the
attention I give it! I know! What has it ever done to me to merit such flippant
and disorganization?! Haha…it’s sad.
Truth is – I have not felt like myself at all for quite some
time. But I have wanted to and tried to be myself. I miss being serious and
thoughtful…just as much as I miss being a crazy goofball…I just plain miss me.
I have wanted to want to write! Honest! But then when I sit
down to finally write…pretty much whatever just comes out and I am too careless
to organize and proof it…which is NOT okay.
Most of this is my fault…allowing my mind to escape to
things which really shouldn’t matter…
I think it’s the uncertainty in life that grabs ahold of me
some times and fills me with fear and insecurity.
But then I am reminded that me wanting to know the
“certainty” of things is just me wanting to control the situation – instead of
allowing God to control it.
“These things unseen won’t cripple me – I place my hope in
You.”
(All Sons and Daughters)
Then today…something happened…and piece-by-piece, I’m
starting to feel like me again…
Maybe it’s the feelings of FINALLY letting go!
Or maybe it is realizing that what I thought was…really
isn’t. And what isn’t…isn’t what I thought…
Make sense?
See…already back to my confusing self =]
Shall we progress?
Haha…this picture was too cute to pass up…
As a girl, it is SO easy to pick out other girls from life
and desire to be “more like her.” It could be her bubbly personality, or her
contagious smile. Or maybe it is more superficial…like her gorgeous long curly
hair or her incredibly petite figure. I see the insecurity of girls and women
everywhere around me…and I am by no means an exception.
Girls obsessing over being prettier or more fashionable or
more desirable. Girls LITERALLY killing themselves to lose weight and
contemplating plastic surgery procedures to fix those flabby legs or that pointy
nose. Spending hundreds of dollars on facial cream that promises to prevent
wrinkles and aging, or body cream that guarantees to reduce cellulite, or
makeup that can cover up any unwanted blemish or “flaw”. Before you know it, I
have five different brands of lipstick that all contain the same color, 6
different things of mascara before I find the perfect one, the same exact
undershirt in 10 different colors, every type of moisturizer and foundation that
Walgreens has to offer, and 20 different kinds of makeup brushes that I don’t
even know what to do with or how to use!
I catch myself all of the time looking at girls on TV or in
magazines; “Wow…she has great legs!” or “How does she NOT have flabby arms, but
also not have incredibly buff arms?!” or “wow…her diet is crazy healthy…I need
to be more like that.”
I see my friends and girls that I know and I think; “Wow…she
is gorgeous…no wonder why all the boys like her!” or even the other way... “How
does she NOT have a boyfriend…she looks incredible!”
So shallow.
Where the heck did this come from…
Well…definitely not meaning to place the blame anywhere…but
maybe it comes from our cultures’ obsession with fitness and beauty? Maybe it is
the FaceBook users who are obsessed with posting their 16.84 mile run or 5 ½
hour day at the gym (like okay…you can be honest with me…did you just drive
extremely slow in your car while your run app was on? And while you were at the
gym…did you just sit there falling asleep until someone walked past, at which
point you acted like you were on you 40th rep?). Or those pictures
of “healthy” bowls of fruit and protein
shake for dinner (how are you not the most evil person in the world from your
lack of protein?) And don’t even get me started on the crossfit inspired
pictures of people doing their “WOD” and burpees or snatches or whatever they
call them, that seem to be loaded with every click of a button!
Alright – I’ll admit…I have been known to post a picture or
two of my healthy brownies and my plate full of veggies for dinner…but I did
warn that I was no exception!
Don’t get me wrong…there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with
being healthy and taking care of yourself…I actually believe it is a sin to NOT
take care of your body.
But to put so much emphasis on what the world’s standard of
beauty is, is such an awful thing. And trust me…physical beauty IS only skin
deep. And it IS fleeting. And once you reach one standard…the world will have
10 more waiting at the finish line.
One of my best friends and I have a joke about not saying
the “F” word, or the “D” word…”Fat”…or “Diet”. Instead replace them with
“unhealthy” and “healthy”. This is pretty much just a joke to us…but isn’t it actually
a good idea?
As women, we need to find our security in Christ. NOT our
looks or eating/working out habits.
It is exhausting to wonder every day; “what does the world
say about me?” cause most likely, I’ll never know…and even if I did know – I
probably wouldn’t like it.
Instead I can KNOW what Christ says about me. He says that I
am DESIRED and WANTED…just because I am ME!!! Because He created me and He
desires for me to know Him (1 Timothy 2:3-4).
And REMEMBER!!!! If you are feeling drawn to God and a
desire to be near Him, that is the Holy Spirit IN YOU, causing you to desire
Him!!! “We love Him because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19)
I don’t know how many times I have said how impatient I am
when it comes to me getting what I want. And how I just always go after it –
the moment I decide it may be something I want…even if I am not entirely
certain it is what I want…if the thought of it being desirable to me even tip
toes into my mind I have already decided I am going after it.
And let me tell yah – NO relationship that I have had thus
far has worked out for me when I have approached it like that. Well…no romantic
relationship in general has worked out for me haha but the ones which I have
initiated have especially not worked out! Why?! BECAUSE…I am a walking
contradiction! I crave nothing more than to be sought after and pursued
vigorously by the man I love – yet, have been so impatient that I jump the gun
every time! Which leads to a relationship of me giving and giving and the other
person taking and taking and never feeling like they have to do anything to
earn my respect and attention because they know they already have it! Well…they
have my attention at least. I have never respected any man I have dated…because
I never give them a reason to earn my respect!
I should be clear and say that I am NOT saying that it is
wrong for a girl to pursue a guy…if you are a girl and you feel that God is
calling you or telling you that it is right for you to pursue a certain man,
then by all means – Go for it sister! I am just simply saying that
ultimately…we, as women – need to know that our man’s (future husbands) desire
is for us…because we are insecure and needy creatures! (but hopefully in a
healthy way) (Random/funny comment: One of my best friends and I were talking
tonight about how girls are so emotional…and then we laughed at the fact that
guys talk about how crazy their “ex’s” are and how emotional and needy they
are…and most of them don’t realize that that is how ALL women are! Haha…poor suckers…)
But Christ – He initiates EVERYTHING. He places His Holy
Spirit in me (2 Corinthians 1:22), which gives me the desire to come to Him. HE
has placed a desire within me that only HE can fill.
“Love is and always was the longing placed inside my heart
to know You and be known by You”
(All Sons and Daughters)
“…Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore
with lovingkindness I have drawn you.” – Jeremiah 31:3
Okay…my point with all of this is that as women (and men) we
need to find our security in Christ. His opinion, and truth for that matter,
are ALL that really matters. And He loves us. And Desires us. Just as we are.
He will love us no more or less if we lose 20lbs or gain 50! His love is not
contingent upon us wearing 10 coats of makeup or staying up-to-date with the
latest trends and fashion.
I know – it is SO much fun to be a girl and wear bright
orange lipstick and hot pink shirts! And there is nothing wrong with that!
As long as we don’t start to place our security in trying to
impress other people and forgetting about pleasing God.
It is ironic how so often I care more about what people say
about me rather than what Christ says about me. The crazy thing is…Christ will
ALWAYS want me…no matter what…but people can accept or reject me with the flip
of a coin or the rising and setting of the sun.
And I think it hurts Him when we don’t love
ourselves…because we are part of His creation and He has made us just how He
wants us to be…it probably hurts Him just as much when we are hateful towards
ourselves, as when we are hateful towards others…
