a hero.

I have no idea where this is going to go...

First off – I think it should be noted that when I originally sat down to write this post, it was mostly fueled by anger and aggression because of recent happenings…but since I have had a little time to cool down since then…now I am writing this post more from concern and sadness…there is still a little irritation in there as well, yes…but…maybe more sadness…okay...still a lot of irritation too...

All right.

I usually am good about taking credit for my own feelings and actions. When something is bothering me or when I am in a bad mood about something – I try to look at it logically and say that something must be wrong with my heart when it comes to the matter.

But I take absolutely NO credit for this.

In fact – I would LOVE to change it about myself…but I just can’t. It has been hardwired into me since I was a little girl – by one person in particular.

One person who has messed things up for me SO BAD that I am afraid I am ruined for life.

It is ALL the fault of my Father.

If my Dads goal in life was to prepare me in some way for the world – He did an incredible job – but if his mission was to prepare me for the “men” in the world – he failed horribly. Crash and burn.

My Dad is incredible. He is an extremely hard worker. He is honest and genuine. He always speaks his mind. He stands up for what is right. He fears God more than any man. He is a protector and a provider. He gives tough love when necessary and isn’t afraid to call me out when I am being an idiot. He is A MAN. A REAL MAN.

A man who has set me up for miserable failure.

His great example has lead me to the misconception that all guys are men. When they most certainly are not.

He has lead me to have the expectation that all guys will pitch in and help when they see a girl trying to do something. When they certainly do not.

What is wrong with guys these days??

I mean – don’t get me wrong…I know us girls have plenty of issues of our own too…but guys…seriously…I see PLENTY of boys…but where are all the MEN??

I think Bonnie Tyler really hit the mark…Where HAVE all the good men gone?? I can almost feel her frustration when she is singing the song…I am sure that house burning down in the video was really the Home Depot she was just standing in, in the middle of a SEA OF MALES just waiting for some guy to stand up and be A MAN and offer to help her carry all her crap but all those “men” are too busy being little…pansies…complaining about how they can’t lift that or move that because of some baby injury they’ve had…but really – they’re just too lazy. So she probably just got so frustrated and just burned the place down! WHY NOT?? What good is a store full of tools and supplies for men when there are literally NO MEN around to use them??

But seriously! As a woman, yeah I want to be strong and confident and be able to survive on my own and know how to chop firewood and start fires! My daddy raised me right! But that does not mean that I desire a HERO ANY LESS!

I still desire a man who will PURSUE ME and FIGHT FOR ME and PROTECT ME. A man who KNOWS what he WANTS and isn’t afraid of saying what’s on his mind. He is STRONG and BOLD and isn’t afraid to tell me if I’m being an idiot. He’s not afraid to say how he feels and he’s not afraid to hear how I feel. A man who will love me at my worst and take care of me when I’m sick. A man who stands up for what is right and who is not easily influenced or swayed. A man…just…a man.

But…back to Bonnie Tyler…the best and most romantic, sweetest version of Holding Out for a Hero is by Ella Mae Bowen. It is seriously one of my favorite songs. I know I relate so many things to songs…but music is so romantic and honest and it’s just my love language…I can’t help it. I’m a sucker for a good song.

Anywho…

Sorry if I’m being too brutally honest here…

But seriously…it is the biggest turn off IN THE WORLD! When I, a girl, am more MANLY than a guy. Like when it comes to manual labor…or just physical activity/work in general…like picking up things or moving things or pitching in to help people when I CLEARLY see that they need help! When I see a male just standing there when something CLEARLY needs to be done…I literally cannot look at them the same. ESPECIALLY if he is just standing there watching a woman do something that he SHOULD/COULD be doing…my WHOLE view of them is ruined – and don’t even bother trying to change my mind on it. There’s no hope.

I get that some people DO have genuine problems with real disabilities/limitations…but when I KNOW that they are not doing something just because they are lazy…oh my gosh. Like it literally just sickens me.

This is what I blame my dad for. Because he is the hardest working man I have ever known. So how could I ever be with/marry someone who is lazy or who doesn’t know how to do certain things or fix things…or if he doesn’t…wont try to learn how to do things!

Or a man who doesn’t know what he wants or knows what he wants but doesn’t pursue it…so you always have to guess what is going on…so annoying. JUST BE A MAN!!!

I pity the guy who tries to live up to my father…the poor soul…

My dad tells me that I will find someone as good as him some day…but when I think about it – I truly don’t know if I ever could.

I mean I KNOW that if God has a man for me, then I will find an incredible guy some day…but over and over again people tell me (men and women mind you) how they would hate to be a single girl these days because there are no good men left in the world…I’m not even joking – AT LEAST 10 people have said that to me. To which I just respond: “Sure there are…I just haven’t found him yet…”

But really…ARE THERE? It worries me at times how good of a father my dad is…it really has given me, what seems like, such high expectations for MEN.

But the crazy thing is – I really don’t feel like I have high expectations…the only reason it seems like they are high is because I have never met a guy who has met them…not because they are so high…but because I have never met A MAN!

It’s just so sad – just be a man!

I don’t get how some women can be with some guys…like lazy guys who don’t do anything…I really don’t get it.

And women – we aren’t doing them ANY sort of favor when we do their work for them! All we are doing is enabling them the be lazy…

I get that this is a strange, unbalanced world we live in nowadays. Women want to be independent and do things on their own and they want to be strong one moment and then completely compromise themselves for a guy the next moment…

I do think that some women are just as screwed up and mislead as some men…

So just stop! MEN STOP being lazy and women STOP being easy!

What happened to hard working men and women who demanded respect and romance?

There are some things I just don’t think I will ever get…

And Oh…if I could only say the things I were really thinking……….

An undivided heart

I never want to be more in love with my ideas and fantasies than I am with the people and things which God has placed around me. And I never want to be more in love with the people and things which God has placed around me than I am with God Himself.

Thus brings me to my desire for an undivided heart.

I cling hard to what I find comforting. It has taken me a long time to be able to admit that.

And for the past few years…I think I have found comfort in living in a box.

I’ll try to explain –

No – I haven’t actually been living in a box. But I have been very cautious with where I have gone and who I have allowed myself to be around and the situations I have allowed myself to be in. Not because I have any sort of strength inside of me…in fact – my box has been built from boards and nails of weakness and fear.

I desire to live a life of accountability and above reproach…or so I say I do…I think, mostly, I am just afraid of ever messing up…

Yesterday I was talking to my mentor and described a situation that has recently come up. I told her all of my feelings on the situation (or as much as I know of my feelings on it) and asked her what she thought – “God doesn’t call us to live in a box Michal.”

She wasn’t telling me to go out an wreak havoc on the world…at least…I don’t think she was…the conversation would have taken a little bit of an interesting turn if that’s what she had been saying…She was just simply saying that I can’t hide myself away forever.

But what if it’s easier to live in a box? What if I have grown to be comfortable in that box? What if my box has a soft fluffy pillow and squishy walls?

…I sound insane…

But really, OF COURSE it’s easier to live in a box…as long as it’s a comfortable one…which mine is…most of the time…

It’s not that I don’t want to let anyone in – I just don’t want to let the wrong anyone in.

I know the saying “guard your heart” is such a cheesy Christian line – but it’s so true. With all of our relationships!

But perhaps maybe we should try to look at it as just being cautious…

But I always feel like I am playing tug-of-war with myself.

You know that saying “give an inch and they’ll take a mile”?

Story. Of. My. Life.

But if I stay cooped up for too long in this box…I’m afraid I’ll start to have a difficult time breathing…

I know we are not meant to live a life of fear. And I don’t want to (are you noticing a theme in my posts….?)

I should write a book:

My name is Michal, and these are my struggles: anything and everything dealing with fear.

Blah blah blah fear.

Never an end.

So interesting…

I know…I should give myself credit for actually recognizing and being aware of my struggles.

Right?

It just goes along with what I was saying in my previous post about having a conduit heart…allowing God’s love to flow through me and out to those around me…

I am just such an extreme person that it’s difficult for me to find a healthy balance in things. I’m either all out or all in…no half-assin’ it for me…

What was my original intent of this post??

Having an undivided heart.

I’m afraid of desiring things that God does not have for me. Not because I’ve never done that before…but because for most of my life…that is much of what I have known. Until these past few years where I have stopped allowing myself to desire at all. I mean – of course I still have desires! That’s a silly thing to say…what I mean is – I haven’t allowed myself to desire things that might leave my heart broken. And I want it to stay that way.

The dangers of having a divided heart are spread all throughout the Bible…men built to live their life for God and yet their heart’s selfish desires steal their affections away from their purpose.

I want my heart to just be solely focused on Christ and what HE wants for me.

I want a pure heart.

An undivided heart.

An undivided heart that is NOT cooped up in a box!

No matter how comfortable it may be...

  

A conduit heart

I wish I were a better person.

There are specific things that I wish I were better at…but more so – just in general – I wish I were better.

My mentor once told me – God gives us the things He wants us to give to/share with others. And (within the reason of discernment) it is not our responsibility to pick and choose who we give to.

Her words haunt me every day…

There are so many things about my character and personality that I really don’t care much for. On a day-to-day basis I pick and choose who to go out of my way for and who to pass by.

I dare not blame it on my upbringing – because both of my parents are full of love – but I choose only to place the blame on myself because of my own insecurities and fears…but why am I so afraid of others who are not like me…?

I have been met, recently, with people who are much different than I am. The way they think, speak, act, and show love, is much different than the way I do things. And because of my insecurities I choose to pass them by.

Instead of accepting and embracing them in their differences with how God has created them – I am afraid of them.

Sometimes I’m caught in the wonderings of whether or not God has given me love for people…but my doubts/questions/misgivings are quickly put to shame when I realize that it is not God who has come up short in His gifts…but it’s me who has lacked severely in my distribution.

God gives me love so that I am able to give it to others! Like a love conduit! When I go to Him, He fills me with His love, and it overflows. Forcing me to give it to others. And only by His good grace – some of that love gets stuck to the inside of me on its’ way out…

That was a strange analogy….

But I don’t know how else to explain it – and if I don’t give His love to others…sometimes I wonder if maybe He’ll stop giving it to me…

I’m not going to dare say that’s a biblical statement…but it almost seems believable right?

I mean – I know God will never stop loving me. No matter what.

But it’s kind of like…if we are not good stewards with what God has given us…then He might not give us anything else…

So maybe Him withholding His love from us is not exactly accurate…but what about hardening our hearts towards His love…not that He would ever want to do anything like that…but…if we aren’t obedient in sharing His love…then why would He continue to allow us to feel it?

I know it’s selfish, saying that I want to give God’s love because I’m afraid of losing it – but sometimes…that is a sad truth for me. Like in the moments where I’m not feeling full of a giving heart. Those moments I have to force it a bit more…maybe it’s just because I know I should be loving and giving…so it keeps me accountable…

But isn’t it just so much easier to give to those who you feel deserve it or who you want to give to? This is what I want to change about myself…I want to freely give to everyone – not because I have judged them to be worthy of it – but because GOD has made it so that I am worthy of HIS gifts.

It makes me wonder if there are ever times where God doesn’t feel like giving His love to me…but He does it anyways because He has promised He would…

I just don’t want to be afraid of people who are different than me…

I want to exhibit Christ’s love – in that I love everyone. And everyone the same.

yolo

I’ve yet to become a fan of the whole “yolo” fad. I guess you could call me a prude when it comes to it. Until recently at least…

It’s not that I don’t like taking chances and having fun and “living in the moment”…trust me – I am a big fan of all of those things…when they are within the limits of clear-headedness and innocence of course…if that makes sense…

Today I got the news that a friend who I went to college with had passed away this last weekend. At the young age of 27, he left behind a beautiful wife and a precious baby boy.

When I hear about someone passing away at such a young age, it’s hard not to automatically consider it a tragedy…but I kind of feel like that might be belittling what God has for us…

So many things lately have been making me think about how short life really is. Our lives could be over at any moment. (Morbid as this is sounding…stick with me for a moment)

We never know when our time is up. Whenever someone passes away, my dad always mentions how “our days are numbered” and when I was younger, I never really thought too much about what it meant because – well, when you’re young – you’re gonna live forever!

My dad always says how there is nothing we can do – when it is our time to go – it’s our time to go! Even if we are in a different place at a different time…God will still find a way to call us home.

We do only live once.

I think it’s human nature to take information like that and allow it to cause fear and paranoia – creating the whole “you only live once so act crazy and do whatever makes you feel good!”

But how sweet is it to acknowledge and understand the fact that we do only have one life and to then take that life and dedicate it completely to God? Living a life, not full of selfish, emotional acts powered by fear, but a life full of selflessness – powered by the hope and trust that we have in Christ – knowing that no matter what – He always has the best for us. And He is the only One that can bring any sort of meaning to our little momentary life.

I am certain my college friend knew this.

He lived each day with the kindness and love of Christ. Though I didn’t know him extremely well – I did know that he shined inside and out with joy.

I want that to be my thing.

I want to live a life that illuminates Christ’s love and goodness. A life that, when it is over (and even when it is not), leaves those around me (whether they have known me for my whole life, or just passed me on the street) with a feeling of peace and hope – knowing that I have lived a life of worth and meaning and love. A life full of Christ. A life that was not wasted and fueled by fear and insecurities – but a life motivated by the grace of God.

How sweet is it to know that we do only have one life to live. And that one life is short. And that we are able to do whatever it is that we want with that one life. But to choose to live it completely for Christ?

It is a scary thought of course. Thinking about all of the things I want in life – and letting all of that go and holding onto the hope that God knows what is best for me – but if all of my desires were easy to let go – then my Reward wouldn’t be as sweet would it?

So my friend passing away is not a tragedy. The fact that he left behind a wife and child is heartbreaking, of course – but the life he left behind is a witness of his obedience to Christ – knowing that God, in all of His power and wonder, controls every moment of his life, and trusting that no matter what, He is good.

Baby scares...

“A Letter of Joy

‘Rejoice in the Lord always.

Again I will say, rejoice!’

          – Philippians 4:4

Go with me back in history a couple of thousand years. Let’s go to Rome…to a rather drab little room, surrounded by high walls…Inside we see a man seated on the floor. He’s an older fellow, shoulders stooped and balding. Chains are on his hands and feet…

It is the apostle Paul…The apostle who was bound only by the will of God is now in chains – stuck in a dingy house – attached to a Roman officer…

He is writing a letter. No doubt it is a complaint letter to God. No doubt it is a list of grievances…He has every reason to be bitter and complain. But he doesn’t. Instead, he writes a letter that two thousand years later is still known as the treatise on joy – Philippians…”

– Max Lucado

I am exhausted. I have gotten a total of 9 hours of sleep in the last three nights combined. My mental and emotional states have been up and down because of personal things in my life and the lives of some of my dear friends. Then today, my friends’ sweet baby (whom I’ve written about before) was taken to the ER because he turned purple and was throwing up. He has RSV and pneumonia. When I got the news, I began shaking and I couldn't even concentrate. I left work right away to go to the hospital…

It seems like life is extra challenging lately. I don’t know what it is…just people all around me going through such intense heartache and pain and some becoming really ill…it’s just so exhausting thinking about it all.

I can feel the enemy attacking all around me…

“Rejoice in the Lord always.” What an incredible reminder that God is always there.

It’s crazy how tragedies can put things into perspective…

Praying in my car on the way home from the hospital I just thought on the truth that God allows all things to happen for a reason. One of my dear friends reminded me – NOTHING comes as a surprise to God. NOTHING.

Because of that – we can trust Him with our present and future.

We can rejoice in His goodness and rest in His omniscience.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,

and I will give you rest.”

– Matthew 11:28

Praise God.