There is something that I struggle with a lot.
I know everyone has that one “hang-up” that they just
continue to struggle with over and over again…
It could be anything. From things that just seem so simple
and harmless like occasionally lying or cheating, or things that have a more
serious ring to them like stealing, or drugs…sex…porn…any form of addiction…etc.
In exactly 29 days from now, I will turn 25 years old…which
means I will have been struggling with this one thing for about 15 years…possibly…probably
more.
I would have hoped that by now, I would have already overcome
this incredibly unwanted sin of mine… I wish I could say that I conquered that
battle…defeated that beast…burned that bridge…but on the contrary, instead of
being a pro at dominating my struggle…I’ve just become a pro at making excuses
for it…
And Satan knows this all too well.
This all was starting to become so discouraging to me for a
while there.
I was ready to give up. “Throw in the towel”. I might as
well just accept that this is something I have struggled with for SUCH a long
time and I will most likely struggle with it until the day Christ takes me
home.
I was already “desensitized” to the actual reasons for WHY
my struggle is indeed a sin, but I was starting to let myself become
desensitized to the fact that it IS, INDEED, a sin.
I could hear the voice of Satan just whispering in my
ear…telling me that I’m not capable of change…and I might as well just accept
that this is me…and this is who I am always going to be.
I don’t know how to “verbally” express how devastated this
has been making me feel…I think you just gotta take my word for it…
I had come to a point where part of me was just starting to
accept the fact that I will most likely never change…and I will never be
capable of being a healthy person…
I was struggling with how to keep myself from potential
situations where I could commit this sin again…and the only things I could come
up with…were pretty drastic! It’s what psychologists call “white-knuckling”
it…like when, instead of going to AA meetings, an alcoholic just locks
themselves in a room with no way of being able to get alcohol for as long as it
takes them to overcome their addiction.
This, clearly, is not the ideal way of overcoming sin…but
then…how else could I “force” myself to no longer struggle with this…
When and why did I start to believe the lie that I am alone
in all of this?
“Christ is in your corner. He’s rooting for you to win!”
Do you know the bible says that Christ mediates for us???
Romans 8:34 states that Christ intercedes for us! He pleads
for us! For Heaven’s sake - He DIED for us!!
While we were still Christ’s enemies…He gave His life for us
(Romans 5:10)
And Christ has already won. He has conquered the enemy.
And as Christians…whatever we struggle with…has already been
defeated and buried in the ground.
It’s done. It’s over. The battle has been won.
Of course, while I am still on earth I will have this same
struggle, along with plenty others…but I don’t HAVE to. I am not at a loss. I
AM capable of change. It may take some time…but it CAN happen.
Christ has given me a NEW HEART! (Ezekiel 36:26)
“When you are tempted to think that the battle is lost and
you might as well give up and serve other gods, plead with the Spirit to help
you know that your enemy is a condemned death-row criminal awaiting execution
of his sentence (Rev. 20:10).” – Elyse Fitzpatrick, Idols Of The Heart
The truth is that I, by myself, am not capable of change.
But I am not by myself. I have the Holy Spirit. And when I start to believe the
lie that I am not capable of change, I start to believe something even greater:
Christ’s sacrifice was for nothing. My sins are way too great, and His death on
the cross was not sufficient.
It is insane how I can let one lie chalk full of self-doubt
and pity turn into the greatest lie of all: That Christ is not enough.
There’s a war in my
body.
I could tell you the
story – but you, you wouldn’t understand.
There’s a war in my
body.
It just fights to be
holy – but not, not with all that I am.
I’m torn. I’m broken.
I’m split in two.
I’ve got a thousand
demons.
But still I’m
yearning for you.
I’m lost. I’m wretched.
I’m giving up hope.
But you’re right
there with me saying, “Don’t let go.”
Don’t let me go.
Sometimes I feel as
if it’ll all take me over.
Sometimes I feel that
it’s all too much.
I swear this will be
the death of me.
You could taste my
heresy with just one touch.
But God it’s so wrong
– I swear it’s not me.
I’m better, I
promise. Or at least I want to be.
God I’m so lost. I’m
so sick of this fight.
My mind keeps me
trapped in what I know isn’t right.
So I pray and I pray
– reveal Yourself to me.
I fall to my knees
and I beg and I plead.
I know it’s all lies.
In my head, they just ring.
God I just wait for
the peace that You bring.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but
with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be
able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
