Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2015 'eh? Cheers!



I didn’t plan on writing a blog entry this evening…in fact, I’m supposed to be getting ready to leave right now…but I was interrupted by a beautiful melody accompanied with unexpected emotions.

Beyonce’s song Halo, redone by Lotte Kestner – So beautiful.



Though I’ve certainly had some difficult years, this past year was definitely my most insecure year yet.

I went through so much personally. I felt the ugliest and most unwanted I’ve ever felt before. Which would seem strange – since it’s been almost two years since I’ve felt anything even remotely romantic for anyone…and with the lack of romantic feelings…you’d think there’d be a lack of rejection feelings as well…But I’m not talking about romance here…I’m just talking about…generality. I don’t think I used that word right. Oh well.

Some incredible things happened this year, things I could never explain without pointing it all back to Gods’ provision. I’ve been challenged in ways that I really didn’t think I needed to be challenged in. I would like to say that I grew a lot this year…but…I think I just more searched for areas where I needed to grow…and then became overwhelmed.

I came across this cute little book in my new favorite eclectic store at the mall. A Q&A book: “365 questions, 5 years, 1,825 answers.” It’s a tool to help people see how much they change (or stay the same) over 5 years. A different question each day, but the same question on the same day over the course of 5 years…

Tomorrow starts with the question “What is your mission?” (I cheated and already read it) And as silly as it may sound…I can’t get that question out of my mind…

What is my mission…

To glorify/serve God of course.

Such a Christian answer…you can tell I grew up in church…

But the true answer I can’t get out of my mind is: To be better.

I always want to be better.

I want to GROW and CHANGE.

Yes I want to glorify and serve God…and I want to be BETTER while doing it!!




When Lotte’s version of Halo came on…my eyes just started tearing up. It’s been so long since I’ve thought about everything that has happened these past few years…and I just thank God for how far He has brought me…and for how He just always seems to find a way to do with me what He wants. He never leaves…but even more…He never lets me go.

I’ve felt pain this year…but it has been a pain that I can’t really help…and as strange as it sounds…I’m so thankful for it. I’m thankful because for once – it’s not pain that I brought on myself…it’s pain that God has allowed…and through it – He’s molding me into the woman He wants me to be.

I’m learning that it’s okay to let people and things go that others might not think it’s okay to let go…like family members who have brought too much hurt into my life…I’m learning that there are some things that I just can’t control…and how freeing it is to just give it all to God.




A lot happened this year…and each time I think about it, I can’t help but think where I was this time last year and where I will be a year from now. My mentor and I were talking about how this time last year, I was thinking about moving out of Tehachapi and was praying about places I need to apply to…thinking that Tehachapi could never and would never offer me something that could hold me here…and now – I have what is essentially my dream job…in Tehachapi. It’s incredible – this ever-changing world we live in. It’s an adventure that God takes us on. And I want NOTHING LESS than ADVENTURE!

So yeah – of course I want to BE BETTER! I always want to work on what I need to work on and grow and change and be better!!!



I’m so excited for 2015. So excited that, yes, I have gone so far as made some resolutions for myself…practical ones of course…

well……

most of them =]

But I’m excited for the adventures and the challenges and the unexpected twists and turns God will bring to my life…

So here’s to whatever 2015 has to offer: All of its’ good and hard times…all of the growing and lack there of I will be doing…

I'm as ready as I'll ever be...

Cheers!


Sunday, November 2, 2014

Right here right now.


I can’t believe how fast this year has gone by.

I remember driving around with my friends last year, looking at Christmas lights, just like it was a few weeks ago. I remember, word for word, the conversations we had in that car when we drove past the house of a dear friend of ours who passed away earlier that year.

I remember shopping on black Friday last year so vividly that I still feel like I need sleep from staying up all night.




Halloween is my favorite Holiday…but I have to say, I am glad it is over. There are just so many exciting things happening these next two months…

But as excited as I am about celebrating birthdays and having shopping days with girlfriends and thanksgiving dinners and crafts nights and black Friday shopping and Christmas parties and putting up decorations and wrapping gifts and Christmas caroling…I don’t want to take any of it for granted…

As emotional of a person that I can be sometimes, I have the habit of NOT living in the moment when I should.

When so much is going on in my life, it is so easy for me to always be looking to “what’s next…”

I felt really convicted sitting in church today. I was sitting there, just thinking about work and youth group and bible study and just everything I have to do this week and I realized I wasn’t even paying attention to what was being said in the sermon. And suddenly the thought came to me: “What does God want me to learn in THIS MOMENT?”

Not just me realizing that I was caught up in wherever my mind was taking me to instead of listening to the sermon…but what did He have for me to learn from the sermon that I was completely ignoring.

I know that much of the time I get so caught up in where God is taking for me, that I completely lose sight of where He HAS me. Instead of living in and paying attention to the moments He brings to me, my mind gets swept up and away to moments that I don’t even know anything about yet.

So my goal for me these next two months is that I don’t allow moments to pass me by.

That, instead of wishing it were a certain time of day, I just pay attention to what time it is now and take it all in.

I know that “living in the moment” has such a negative feel to it because of the emotional concept that it is typically associated with…but it is my emotions that seem to be taking me out of the moment…and I don’t want to miss any lessons that God has for me RIGHT NOW.




Besides paying attention to each moment – I know there are so many other things I need to work on. And lately 2 other things have really been sticking out to me:

I want to be my own person.
            I see the way I change depending on my mood and surroundings. But I don’t want to be that way. I want to know who I am and be who I am. And not change for anyone or anything. I need to always be consciously aware of who I am in Christ and be bold about it. I need to know what’s right and speak up about it no matter how uncomfortable it might make me feel.

I need to tame my tongue.
            I’m pretty quick to the punch sometimes. I get passionate about odd things…and sometimes…I blurt out whatever comes to my mind before I even think about how idiotic it sounds. I remember a few years ago, when I lost my voice – it was a really frustrating and annoying time because it was when I went to visit my friends in Phoenix for a wedding and I really wanted to socialize but I had absolutely no voice at all and couldn’t really talk to anyone. It was so frustrating…BUT I actually learned a lot from it…I learned I need to listen more than I need to speak…I learned how many stupid things I think (and say) before I realize what I’m really thinking (and saying)…I learned that just because I talk…doesn’t mean I sound smart…and I learned that no matter how many people try to convince me…honey and hot tea are disgusting.





I just want to be better. No matter how much work it takes


I have so much more I want to say right now…but I also really need to work on getting more sleep…


Wednesday, October 29, 2014

From: Dust To: Dust

Saying my life is busy is a total understatement.

The thing that worries me the most in my life is me getting caught up in the thought that I can do any of it all on my own.

In my mind and my heart – I know I need God.

I know I am nothing without Him.

But when people tell ME how awesome ME is (I know that’s improper…) It really begins to get to my head.

I KNOW I am NOTHING special.

I KNOW I am NOTHING of any worth.

I KNOW I am NOTHING on my own.

But I want to ALWAYS BE AWARE of it. I want to ALWAYS be consciously aware of the fact that ANY GOOD that is involved in my life comes SOLELY from GOD and NONE of it is a result of ANYTHING I do.

“For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust.”
- Psalm 103:14

I am so thankful that even when I forget how worthless I am apart from Him – He always knows – and His grace covers me through and through and graciously reminds me that it’s HIM and not me.


THAT is what gives me freedom to live.


Monday, October 20, 2014

Conversing with Mrs. Potty Mouth


Do you ever just sit and take the time to think about the state our world is in?

Last week when I went to visit my friends and their baby, the father of the baby was showing me a baby book that they were in the process of writing in for their newborn daughter. Of course…I cried through the whole book haha…

The dad told me that when it came to the part where you’re supposed to write what’s going on in the world and major events, he didn’t want to fill it out because of everything that’s going on. So we joked that they should just write “The world is ending.” As comical as that was in that moment…it really made me sad to think about everything that IS really going on.

…Wars…diseases…murders…corruption…starvation…gang violence…the list goes on and on…

Last Saturday I went to Magic Mountain with a couple of my friends who were visiting from Phoenix. It was fright fest that night so there were “zombies” walking around the park scaring people. My friends and I were standing in line for Goliath and a teenager next to us was asked to get down from the hand railing that he was sitting on. He got down but he proceeded to (quietly) cuss out the worker who asked him to get down and said something stupid like “It’s a free country I can do whatever the (bad word here) I want.”

So me…being me…(I think cussing is one of the trashiest things people can do) just gave him a dirty look…haha…I saw that some lady was standing right next to him on her phone...I didn’t know who she “belonged” to…surely she couldn’t be his mother because she just let him run his mouth off so disrespectfully…but no…she was his mother…just playing on her phone not even caring that her son sounds like a gang member from “End of Watch”.

Sad.

So some time passed and we were still in line when some zombies decided they were going to scare the group of junior highers right behind this lady and her ignorant son (there were actually 3 or 4 sons with her…but the others looked miserable the whole time and never said a word). When the zombies scared the group of junior highers, one of the girls ran into the mom of the sons and the mom started cussing the JUNIOR HIGH girl out! I literally was just staring at her…shocked…I don’t know why I was so shocked…she didn’t care how her son acted, so clearly she was no better…then one of the junior high boys ran into her and the mom…THE GROWN WOMAN…PUSHED the JUNIOR HGH boy and started cussing him out!!!

(I like literally could not believe it…I’m getting really mad just thinking about it right now…)

The kids told the lady it was an accident and they were sorry and didn’t mean to but the lady just kept cussing them out…

So…I couldn’t keep quiet anymore…

“You realize you are cussing out children right?”

“I don’t give a (bad word).”

“Alright. Would you like to go in front of us?”

“No. Mind your own (bad word) business.”

“When you are offending me by cussing out CHILDREN it IS my business.”

“Why don’t you try being ran into by (bad word) kids all day”

“Maybe you should go home.”

“Maybe you should shut the (bad word) up.”

At this point…I began to laugh…in her face…………..yeah………I literally just could not take this lady serious…she was so ridiculous…but really...that is all I could do because I just felt so uncomfortable with the whole thing and how this grown woman was acting towards children.

“You are cussing out children who are MUCH younger than you…”

“I don’t give a (bad word).”

“Are you serious right now?” (while I’m laughing…)

“Yes” (very seriously…but I could tell she felt stupid)

“I can’t take you seriously, you’re ridiculous.” (still laughing…)

End of conversation.

Her sons looked very embarrassed…

Then my friend Ryan and I proceeded to joke about how she was such a friendly soul…like a purring kitten…

As much as I couldn’t keep from laughing (because literally…if you could see her…she was just sooooo ridiculous…) I still was so mad with how she treated those kids…

There were so many other things I wanted to say to her…like I wanted her to be aware of the fact that what she was doing was considered child abuse and NOT OKAY. And that she was setting an UTTERLY TERRIBLE example for her kids. And…I’m sorry to say…I just wanted to tell her that she was straight up TRASH and that I felt sorry for anyone who ever had to be around her. And no wonder her son sounded so ignorant…he was getting the perfect example of how to be that way!

But……………………..I knew that to retaliate in such a way would make me no better than her……………………………………and I know God was just holding me back……..I stayed extremely calm during the whole thing and I said all I needed to say…and hopefully it made her really think about her attitude (and make her feel like an idiot……haha….but really…)

Then…I began to really think about it…for the remainder of the time spent standing in that line…and the whole drive home…and that night while lying in bed…I just thought about that lady and wondered about what she might be going through…she was on her phone all night and my first thought was to think about how she was just careless and ignorant and probably just on facebook and in her own little selfish dumb dumb dumb world and cared more about that crap than the way her kids acted…but what if she was really reading an email from a family member that talked about someone close who just passed away? What if she was in the middle of an emotional conversation about how she’s losing her house and she was just really stressed and going crazy…? Then I began to feel really sad and sorry for her…because even if any of those things WERE the case…she still set a horrible example.

Sadly though…I think that was just her. Clearly her son had been raised to believe that his behavior was alright…which made me so much more sad…

How lost do you have to be to think that cussing out children and pushing them is OKAY???

Part of me just wanted to tell her “I’ll pray for you” buuuuut….that would have just been me being sarcastic….because I really didn’t want to pray for her at all……..

I wanted to tell her to think before she acted and bring up the fact that maybe one of those junior highers has abusive parents and they came to six flags to have a good time and here they are getting treated the very same way that they are trying to get away from at home…or maybe one of their parents just died and this is the first time they have had fun in months or maybe they have cancer, or maybe I have cancer and you’re cussing me out…hah…I don’t know…





I’m not talking about all of this to try to make me seem like anything great in any way...I know I could have handled the situation much better...and…trust me…I spend 6 hours at work with junior high and high schoolers then an extra 6 hours throughout the week at church with more junior high and high schoolers…and I know what it’s like to get annoyed and frustrated and just burnt out. And sadly…there have been times where I have allowed that to determine the way I act and my attitude towards the kids…but if anyone ever questioned my heart and love for my students and children and youth in general…I wouldn’t stop fighting to prove myself.

And it really made me so angry how this lady thought that how she was acting was okay…

I started thinking about today’s society and how it seems like the behavior of people is just getting worse and worse…

I thought about how mad I was and how hurt I was for those junior high kids and how this GROWN WOMAN thought it was alright to treat them that way…

I thought about hearing stories on the news about moms and dads who are so strung out on drugs that they leave their babies to starve to death…

I thought about kids I know of that are homeless and have to find a different place to sleep every night…

I thought about people I know who have been abused in their life by their parents and family members…

I thought about kids who act out and have poor attitudes because they don’t have anyone at home to teach them better…

I thought about my friends’ newborn babies and how precious they are and how I would do anything to protect them…

And I thought about people who seem to have no problems at all…and don’t care about any of the families who do.

And I thought about how it is all just going to get worse.

I cried…for a good couple hours…

And then I realized…IT IS A WAR.

We’re not going to war – WE ARE AT WAR!! And we need to choose which side we are going to fight for.

I CHOOSE to speak up when I see people being mistreated. I choose to not be afraid when people who are older or bigger or even more educated than I am are taking advantage of someone or manipulating someone or hurting someone.

After I thought about all of this for a good few hours I was reminded of what the real issue was.

With my job…I have found myself (so many times) just wishing I was filthy rich, or that I would become rich…so I could buy people houses that need it and pay their bills and put food on their table…but money doesn’t solve the REAL issue. And buying someone a home doesn’t save them. They need Jesus.

They need a Savior.

I can’t ignore it any longer.

I’m reminded of a John Mark McMillian song Between the Cracks:

Hope grows between the cracks in the asphalt
in the downtown ghetto streets
that contour the government housing intentions of my heart
No one notices the daisies don't care
about gang related violence
as long as they get enough air and water and sun
They're all just fine

Who would've thought it but life is finding a way
through this wasteland of cynics, concrete, and pain
There's a man down here somewhere between
those Saturday cartoons and the dirty magazines
He's raising the dead in the graveyards
where we've laid down our dreams
and His name is Hope

Hope stands high on the 15th floor
of a Christmas tree perched about the ledge of a fortress
of steel that's trying too hard to be somebody's home
As it ceased my attention from I-85
though the throes of the day
Were still writhing inside
I lifted my head as I drove home that night and knew
everything was gonna be fine

Who would've thought it but life is finding a way
through this wasteland of cynics, concrete, and pain
There's a man down here somewhere between
those Saturday cartoons and the dirty magazines
He's raising the dead in the graveyards
where we've laid down our dreams
and His name is Hope

His name is hope
Everybody needs a little
His name is hope
Everybody wants a little
His name is hope
Everybody wants a little
His name is hope
Everybody needs a little

There's a man down here somewhere between
those Saturday cartoons and the dirty magazines
He's raising the dead in the graveyards
where we've laid down our dreams
and His name is Hope

Can you hear him outside?
He's been singing all night
He's saying when you gonna come out
from behind those paper-thin walls
of your cardboard box reality?

There's a man down here not worried or afraid
that some politician forgot all the promises he made
And He's raising the dead in the graveyards
where we've laid down our dreams
and His name is Hope

Can you hear Him outside He's been singing all night
He's saying when you gonna come out from behind
These paper thin walls, your cardboard box realities?

Who would've thought it but life is finding a way
through this wasteland of cynics, concrete, and pain
There's a man down here not worried or afraid
that some politician forgot all the promises he made
And He's raising the dreams in the graveyards
where we've laid down our dead
His name is Hope



HIS NAME IS HOPE!!!!



As much as my “I’ll pray for you” comment would have been my sarcasm side revealing itself…I know that praying for that woman is really what I NEED to do.

My mentor reminded me today (while speaking about a different subject) that it’s not our choice to pick and choose who we help and bless and “feed” but that it is our DUTY to be obedient to Christ in loving and helping ALL mankind.



I pray that my actions and words and attitude resemble NOTHING BUT Christ and HIS attitude. I pray that I love others how Christ would/does and I pray that I have patience and strength to not allow the way I might feel for a moment, effect how I treat others. And that when I am frustrated with students, instead of reacting out of anger or disbelief…I lovingly point them the right way and help them learn and grow instead of pushing them away and just making it all worse…