A piece of me...

If you thought some of my last posts were a mess…you might not want to make an attempt at this one…

There are two things I am currently struggling with. And twisting them together this way is all I can really do to get them both out at the moment... I know I’ve already used this phrase on a past post…but seriously…this time…good luck keeping up…

When you're a complete goofball - How do you make people respect you and take you seriously, without compromising yourself in the process, and staying true to who you really are.

Because of relationships that I have gotten myself into, I have let part of myself accept false truths.

The false truth that I have to be flawless for people to really love me.

I have to be perfectly poised and conducted 24/7.

When I make a mistake - I must be punished for it mentally, emotionally, and even physically at times - because it's what I deserve.

When other people make decisions that indirectly affect things - I have to take the punishment for that as well.

The false truth that I can't be my crazy, goofy self and be respected at the same time.

I have to be flawless

The false truth that no matter how people treat me, it's what I deserve.

I did something to deserve it.

I'll never be good enough.

  

And the false truth that I do not and will not ever deserve better.

I’ve been realizing that because of these false truths that I accepted from others, I have began creating more false truths for myself.

I was so torn down that when I finally got out – I decided I was going to be different.

I was going to change.

I was going to run from the person I was and the people I placed myself around and all of the unhealthy situations I had placed myself in.

And I was never going back.

New false truths:

I have to have all of the answers.

I always have to be happy – no matter what.

I have to be the one to make people laugh.

I have to be carefree and lighthearted no matter what.

No matter how I am feeling inside, I need to be the happy-go-lucky girl without a care in the world.

I have put up a wall. Not a wall that keeps me from loving other people.

But a wall that keeps me from letting others love me.

And I have learned to play it off so well…

Oh, so well.

Isn’t that what we all do?

We quickly learn our weaknesses and then we spend so much time and effort into making experts of ourselves.

We become connoisseurs at discovering the most cunning way of hiding our faults.

The masters of disguise.

My wall keeps me from completely being myself.

Not my goofy self – that is a tough one for me to hide…

But my serious self…or rather…my hurting self.

Lately I have been wondering if I use my happiness to cover up things. Of course I have SO much to be happy about and SO much to be thankful for. I could never exhaust how blessed I am.

But sometimes I wonder if I use my happiness as a mask…as…an escape method…?

A way to hide what is really going on in my heart.

It’s not a completely crazy thought…

But it was crazy to think that I myself could be doing this.

That is not me.

Or is it…

I base so much confidence in the fact that I try to be as genuine as I can be.

An open-book.

That’s how I would describe myself.

An open book about my past and the things I have gone through and the mistakes I have made.

You ask: I answer.

I spent so much time hiding who I really was and lying to myself and others about anything and everything.

When I ran from that – I swore I would never go back.

But experiences have a funny way of catching up with you.

I may be genuine and honest about everything I have done and gone through.

But what about my present emotions?

What about my present struggles?

Most of them I am completely open about – except for one.

My hurt.

I cannot and will not hurt. Or at least – that’s how I portray it to others.

My false truths have set me up to believe that no one cares about my hurts.

People would rather me be my “care-free” self, rather than have to care about what can really be going on with me.

They are menial and hold no value.

Why do we so often think better of others than we do ourselves?

If someone were to come to me with their hurts – I would instantly direct them to the love of Christ and the value that they have in Him.

But for myself, yes, I know I have extreme value in Christ.

But, why don’t I allow myself to value my hurt?

I like to think I value my past and what has brought me to where I am.

But anxiety pushes me to want to just “get over” the past.

But that is not how we are created.

I don’t think thinking about the past is a bad thing. I think what makes it bad is how we think about the past. Do we dwell on it?

Insecurities of both others and myself, have lead me to believe that my past makes me a horrible person, who deserves to be continually punished for it.

But the goodness of Christ teaches me that, yes, I need to recognize the horrible nature of my past, but it is not something that I need to be held down by anymore.

When I was discussing this all with my mom she said it simply: “Your head knows what is best for you, now your heart just needs to realize it as well.”

Yes, because of the grace of God, I know what is best for me. So why do I continue to struggle with the things that are not best for me?

I have made myself to want to be perfect.

I thought I was strong.

I took a 180 turn out of my bad situation and ran as fast as I could.

For what seemed like quite awhile - I didn’t look back.

Now the past keeps getting brought up in my mind. And it's difficult not to let it.

My insecurities and doubts about myself are surfacing in my mind and lingering in my thoughts. Plaguing my head with a rollercoaster-like of emotions.

Entertaining random thoughts and questions is a very dangerous thing. How long will those insecurities stay with me?

The mind is an incredible thing - just how complex it is.

It's more than common for random, spur-of-the-moment thoughts about my past to enter my mind. Most of these should not be entertained.

Side note:

In my Addictions class a few years ago, we learned that, for men, looking at an erotic image for just a few seconds can stay fresh in their mind for over a few years. (I don’t remember the exact numbers…but it definitely was a seconds to years ratio)

How sad is that.

A few seconds. Even if it’s just a mistake, or something that was stumbled upon.

What we let enter our minds and bodies can completely plague us.

Back on track:

I know this may seem completely off subject...but if this little piece of information is in fact true...then how toxic can it be to entertain some on those “spur-of-the-moment” thoughts…?

Perhaps I should clarify that my struggle has nothing to do with erotic images…but it definitely has to do with thoughts plaguing my mind. Thoughts that promptly enter my mind and should, alike, promptly find their way out.

This is not something I want to admit at all…

But I really do wish it wasn’t so hard for me to admit it.

I don’t like how it is becoming more and more difficult for me to admit it. I don’t want to be that person that hides from these things.

I would say it’s “funny” to talk to people about it now. People who knew me before the “incident”. But funny is definitely not appropriate.

It is very surreal.

And it is very sad.

They tell me I never looked happy.

I never laughed.

I never smiled.

I looked miserable and trapped.

I never looked to be myself.

I was a stranger to everyone around me. And I was definitely a stranger to myself.

And since I am myself again…you might be able to imagine why it is so hard for me to want to be anything but happy.

But because of Christ – I am freed from that.

Free to be myself.

Free to be thankful and free to be happy.

But also, free to be sad.

When do we learn that it’s not okay to cry?

For boys, I know most are taught at such a young age that “real men don’t cry”, which is really such a sad thing.

But when do girls learn that being emotional means you’re “crazy” and don’t deserve respect?

All of these are definitely false truths.

But when I am too “happy” I don’t feel respected by some either…

How do you read a present situation without being bias because of past situations?

Just like I hope for people to accept me as I am, despite their past experiences, I also need to accept others despite my past experiences.

Just because one person has a poor view of me when I am myself, doesn’t mean that everyone does.

It is strange how our past experiences affect our present views on situations…

You can’t pick and choose which pieces of a person you want…

So why does it seem like some people respect me more when I am serious and quiet?

Everyone needs an outlet. A place to go to be with something of their own.

Something that makes them feel like…them.

I have found that music is one of my forms of an outlet…

And no matter how goofy and crazy I can be – I still have feelings. I still have emotions. I still go through difficult times. I still have days where I feel more comfortable just being quiet and keeping to myself. And I still want to be respected.

“Crying may look like weakness to others – but sometimes it’s all we can do in order to get stronger.”

Psalm 55:22 – “Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.”

This season...

Sometimes I don’t feel motivated.

It’s not that I am being completely lazy…

I just…have a lot on my mind lately…

Today’s devotional was perfect for me.

I feel like they are always relevant to something that I am going through…

“Ready in Season”

Be ready in season and out of season —2 Timothy 4:2

Many of us suffer from the unbalanced tendency to “be ready” only “out of season.” The season does not refer to time; it refers to us. This verse says, “Preach the Word! Be ready in season and out of season.” In other words, we should “be ready” whether we feel like it or not. If we do only what we feel inclined to do, some of us would never do anything. There are some people who are totally unemployable in the spiritual realm. They are spiritually feeble and weak, and they refuse to do anything unless they are supernaturally inspired. The proof that our relationship is right with God is that we do our best whether we feel inspired or not.

One of the worst traps a Christian worker can fall into is to become obsessed with his own exceptional moments of inspiration. When the Spirit of God gives you a time of inspiration and insight, you tend to say, “Now that I’ve experienced this moment, I will always be like this for God.” No, you will not, and God will make sure of that. Those times are entirely the gift of God. You cannot give them to yourself when you choose. If you say you will only be at your best for God, as during those exceptional times, you actually become an intolerable burden on Him. You will never do anything unless God keeps you consciously aware of His inspiration to you at all times. If you make a god out of your best moments, you will find that God will fade out of your life, never to return until you are obedient in the work He has placed closest to you, and until you have learned not to be obsessed with those exceptional moments He has given you.

(Copied from utmost.org)

I’m just not focused lately. There is just so much going on that it is hard for me to keep my mind on just one thing.

And then when I am alone and do have time to clear my mind – I really don’t want to be alone with my thoughts.

I’m getting frustrated with myself for struggling with some of the same things over and over again…

And then I realized a few things –

There are things in my life that I am “settling” for.

When God removes something unhealthy from my life – It is NO LOSS to me.

I’m created to feel – so it is OKAY to let myself feel more than I want to at times.

I am created to invest time and emotions into relationships – so when those relationships are removed from my life, it is OKAY to take time to mourn over them.

I can’t be hard on myself for struggling with certain things – If I never struggled – I would never grow.

HE has made me new.

In one of my favorite books, Beyond Jabez, the author, Bruce Wilkinson, talks about how if we don’t struggle with things then it may, at times, mean that Satan is not “worried” about us. He used an example of a college student talking to one of his professors and telling him that his life was great and everything was going right and the professor told the student he was worried about him because that probably means Satan isn’t worried about the student and his work for Christ. (obviously that was more of a paraphrase of what the author actually said…)

But this story always stuck in my mind.

But then – one of my devotionals from a few weeks ago hit me –

“Never be afraid when God brings back your past. Let your memory have its way with you. It is a minister of God bringing its rebuke and sorrow to you. God will turn what might have been into a wonderful lesson of growth for the future.” – My Utmost For His Highest

I’ve been hurting a lot from the past lately. And I’ve been really upset at myself about it.

Not wanting to admit my struggles, I have been keeping them all in to myself –

But after reading this devotional – I was filled with comfort.

Yeah, I am struggling. But I am not alone. God is letting me struggle with it for a reason – and maybe that reason is to take it to Him.

Shame.

I’m ashamed that I am still struggling with the same thing – the same situation.

I know I am MUCH better off now – and God has given me an amazing peace that I have never known before.

It always blows my mind to think about Christ’s mercy and love.

God is good to me. Even though he knows everything that I have done.

But I think the thing that blows my mind even more than that, is that God is good to me….Even when he knows what I WILL do.

I think it is one thing to forgive someone for their past and to love them and accept them and provide for them despite what they have done…

But to love and accept and provide for someone who you know has already hurt you and will undoubtedly hurt you again.

Or to take it even further – He knows the exact minute of the day, which I will betray Him again.

Being stuck in my sinful body – it is a fact that I will sin again. And He knows how and when.

It is incredible to me.

I know He loves me.

And I know that that is all that really matters.

I don't know what it is...

Maybe it is the fact that today I was reminded of just how beautiful people truly can be.

Maybe it is the fact that I was also reminded of how much hurt people can go through.

Or maybe it’s just a mood that I have recently been in, finally coming to the surface and letting me breathe…

Whatever it is. I am in a very sentimental and reminisce-full mood. If that makes sense…

Tonight – I am thankful for where I am. And where I am going.

I am thankful for second chances and forgiveness.

I’m thankful for hope and grace.

I’m thankful for understanding and empathy.

I’m thankful for love and compassion.

I’m thankful for people who have the strength to forgive others of their wrong doings, when those wrong doings are and are not against them.

And in a weird way. I am thankful for memories.

Memories have an odd way of taking you back.

The power of smell and sound is incredible.

How the quick whiff of a familiar odor can pull you into a time machine and completely engulf your mind for a moment.

Maybe it’s a song you hear or words that someone speak that are coming from the mouth of a stranger yet sound so familiar to you.

Maybe it’s the look on someone’s face. An emotion you are well acquainted with, expressed on the face of someone you’ve never seen before…

Some memories are fun to go back to. Like the smell that takes you back to your first car, or a slumber party with your friends.

And some memories are not so great to re-live.

But no matter what, you have them.

(Sorry – no Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind here…)

What is it about memories that can captivate a person so?

The situations are gone. They’re left at a stand-still in the past.

And life moves on.

Days go by and more memories are made.  More memories to cover up the old ones.

Some memories are lost indefinitely.

Yet, some memories surface with no effort at all.

People say it all takes time – and I know this is true for the most part.

But time is not the only thing that it takes.

It takes effort to move on.

It takes determination and will and motivation.

You might not necessarily have to know what you are doing – but you have to know why you are doing it and why it is best for you.

It’s not easy. But it’s crucial.

I value my well-being.

And I know that it is all worth it.

Because Christ values me too.

I’m not completely depressed right now…haha…I swear. Just…thoughtful…

If you could step into my room with me right now…this is a little of what you would be hearing…

Proceed with caution...

Before going any further – you need to know I am completely torn at the moment.

My mind is cluttered – going 100 miles a minute (as usual) and my heart is longing for a good journal session.

But then – It has been so long since I have blogged and I have so much to say!

These are dangerous times when I cannot choose – because I might possibly go into “journal” mode and write something that is meant for more personal eyes…

But meh – oh well!

So much going on lately!

So where to start….

My friends just got engaged!!!!!! I am SO excited for them!

I wanted to do something special for them so I decorated my back patio (where he proposed)…

I have been trying to help her with ideas for the wedding…but I’ll just be honest and say that thinking about ideas for a literal, going-to-happen wedding is A LOT harder than I thought!

I will admit that I am a normal girl and think about a wedding from time to time.

BUT I have NEVER been one of those girls that has just “waited” for that day growing up.

I never obsessed over a wedding. Of course I have thought about “possibilities” just like any other girl – but planning my fake wedding out on Pinterest is definitely NOT my cup of joe. (Which is super weird because I really am such a hopeless romantic...)

In fact, for the past few years (up until fairly recently) I didn’t even want anything to do with getting married.

But I have definitely gained a new respect for people who are getting married.

Before this, it seemed so easy to stumble upon ideas for weddings, but now that I am actually trying to help give her inspiration…it definitely is A LOT harder than I imagined.

Other things going on…

I’m going to Jamaica in May with some of my friends from California!!!

I am so excited!! I have a countdown on my phone (29 days)…

Then right after that (literally), I am going to Disneyland again!

Then June 1st, I am moving to Mesa and living with one of my best friends, Kristyna!!

So I have to move out and clean and re-paint my apartment…(so much going on in May!!)

And then one of my friends, Ryan (Kristyna’s cousin) just bought a house! So when that gets finished (they say it takes 3-4 months)…us three are going to live there!

Hmm something else….oh yes…my car…wait for it…broke…down………….again.

Haha…ugh. What a pain. It just likes attention.

But finally…my Dad gave me the “green light” to get a new car! Yes – I do still go to my parents for big decisions. I spent 23 ½ years going against what they tell me…and that never got me anywhere good…so FINALLY I have learned that yes…mommy and daddy know best…for the most part.

I guess I could have got one before, but it is just amazing having my family’s support in big decisions like that…

So that is VERY exciting!

I have been looking around and I think I know what I am getting…but we will just have to see!

I’m so thankful. For everyone and everything in my life.

My life is so exciting.

It’s crazy how just a few months ago I was posting about how I wanted to find adventure…and I’m finding more and more every day how my life IS an adventure!

Just so much going on…

It is kind of stressful to think about it all, but it’s impossible for me to forget that God already has it all planned out and He knows what is going to happen and how everything is going to get done so I totally don’t even need to stress over it.

You know on applications and in interviews when they ask you how you deal with stress?

Well I used to think I was a pro. Like “oh no, I don’t even get stressed!” WRONGO.

I’m just a ball of mess when I get stressed. And I am always at two different ends of the spectrum. First of all – I cry. A lot. (like I did the other night to my dad when my car broke down)

Then I either get really quiet (like at work) or I can’t stop complaining (to anyone and everyone who will listen)

Then…my hair falls out – literally – I know, attractive right?

But that’s how it is.

My mind goes 1,000,000 miles a minute thinking about everything that I have to do and want to do and everything that has to get done. And I just basically sit there. I think I work a lot better under pressure because I definitely procrastinate when I am stressed.

But since I know all of this about myself – I know how to handle myself. I know what I need and what helps, and I know how to calm myself down. (I just pray for the poor souls who don’t know how to handle me and have to be around me…)

So I have found that the following process is definitely best for me…

* Write things down – everything is always easier for me to think about when it is visible and on paper.

* Number things in the order of their importance and what needs to get done first. Even though I may not execute the tasks in this order, it still helps me prepare myself for what needs to get done and when they need to be done by.

* Take a moment to breathe. Everything will get done on time and whatever doesn’t, will still be there for me the next day. As long as I am doing my best, I cannot control what does and does not happen.

* Get started – things are not going to get done unless I actually DO them. Know what needs to get done today and do it…work hard, relax, play, have fun, and most of all…just enjoy life and be thankful for the time you have been given and the things God has blessed you with.

So this is basically how I am living lately.

I have A TON of stuff going on in the next 6 weeks:

Work

Buy a car

Jamaica

Disneyland

Make Arizona my new state of residency (though I’ll always be a Cali girl at heart…)

Sign up for my last two classes so I can finally get my degree

Move to Mesa

Re-paint this apartment and have my carpets cleaned

Manchester Orchestra concert

Two of my friend’s birthdays

And somehow remember to stay sane and have a social life…

I did get packing boxes though! Which I considered to be productive. But…I left them in my car…which broke down…so now it’s at Fletchers…so…yeah…

Anywho…what else…

Find some down time to relax…basically what I have been doing all day today…

I heard a song a few weeks ago talking about how it is hard to praise God when times are good…and this seemed like such a weird thing to me. I think I understand the message the artist was trying to portray, but I don’t think he was really saying it right…and for some reason, I have been thinking about it a lot off and on since then, and the following is the conclusion I have just come to today:

When things are going good, I think it is easier to praise God, but harder to find time to be with Him.

When things are going bad, I think it is harder to praise God, but easier to find time to be with Him.

I have been wanting to blog for a few days, but I haven’t really known specifically what about. And I think it is always easier to blog about things that I am going through, because it helps me relieve my stress and it is much easier for me to know what I am trying to say…

Things have been going very good lately.

So many times through out the day I just catch myself thinking about how blessed I truly am.

I am not sure how much I can say this without it becoming completely repetitive, but last year was probably one of the worst years of my life…and I’m only 23 so I am sure for older people they’d tell me to stick around a little longer and just see how hard life can really get…but for being 23, I feel I have experienced way too much more than a 23 year old should have to.

With that being said – I am extremely thankful for ALL of my experiences. Even the painful ones.

I think about where I am now and what is going on in my life and how amazing each and every one of my friends are…and I just can’t help but feel overwhelmed.

It is amazing when you find happiness in the unexpected times and places.

A few of my best friends I just met this time last year, they just started off as co-workers, and then before I knew it, I completely fell in love with them! (In a very non-romantic way of course)

Now this year, I am moving in with them…

You know when so many good things are happening that you are just waiting for the brick to fall on your head?

Is that even how the expression goes???

You know what I mean…

I keep waiting for it…

But then the thoughts keep coming into my head:

You had a really hard year last year, you deserve to be happy – after having no one, you deserve these amazing friends – after being held down, you deserve fun vacations – after 7 years of an unreliable car, you deserve a new reliable one…

But then…if I got what I really, TRULY deserved…I would be in Hell. Literally. Homeless, Friendless, Familyless, and most of all…Fatherless.

God does not give us what we truly deserve.

Hence – Grace…Mercy…

He gives us what He wants us to deserve – Salvation. Love. Hope. Peace. Joy. A Home. His Son. Himself.

But then again…if we did deserve all of that…we wouldn’t really need Christ now would we…

How difficult is it to remind myself that good works are NOT going to get me closer to Christ?

This is such a difficult thing for me to remind myself of.

No matter how “good” I am – that is not what gets me to Christ.

Christ gets me to Christ – and seeking Him, no matter what state I am in, is how I find Him. And finding Him, at my lowest or highest, is how I am with Him.

I know in my down time I need to just take some of that time to just be with Him. And it’s so easy for me to just praise Him and thank Him for everything in my life. But it is hard for me to make the time to just be with Him. Why is that?

I don’t want it to be that way. Why are bad habits hard to kick and good habits hard to start?

But I want it to be more than a habit. I want seeking God to be conscious and unconscious, purposely and by chance, habitual and spontaneous…like breathing…I know it can be hard at times for a reason…I am just thankful that no matter what – God always wants me to seek Him.

A little inspiration...

“…Because of Calvary, I’m free to choose. And so I choose.

I choose love . . .


No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I choose joy . . .


I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical . . . the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I choose peace . . .


I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.


I choose patience . . .


I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I’ll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clinching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I choose kindness . . .


I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. Kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I choose goodness . . .


I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.

I choose faithfulness . . .


Today I will keep my promises. My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My wife will not question my love. And my children will never fear that their father will not come home.

I choose gentleness . . .


Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it be only in prayer. If I make a demand, may it be only of myself.

I choose self-control . . .


I am a spiritual being. After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.


Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek his grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.”

-Max Lucado

When God Whispers Your Name