an applicable intermission (part two [kinda])

I have goals for this year. Several in fact.

“’A goal has to be right there in your heart,’ she said. ‘If I have to think about it, I don’t want to do it.’”

“’Well, that’s not exactly right,’ I said. ‘…Your heart is like that treasure chest. Sometimes you don’t know what is in there until you go digging a little bit. And then you’ll find a treasure buried deep in your heart…a desire you didn’t even know was there and then it becomes a goal.’”

(Dr. Henry Cloud – The Law of Happiness)

I know some of what’s in my heart. I know the things that come easy. The desires and the passions. I know what I want to do – I might have difficulty doing it sometimes… – but I know what I want. I do. I know where I want to be at the end of next week and the end of this month. I know where I want to be 6 months from now (besides Iceland, [please!]) I know the fires that burn inside of me and the woman I want to be. Sometimes I doubt and become overwhelmed – but I still know what gets my heart racing.

The only problem is – lately – I haven’t been “digging in my treasure chest” (my heart). I haven’t taken that step – I haven’t gone there – because I’m afraid of what I might find.

I’m not entirely afraid of my goals – no matter how dear they are to me – because I know they are what I truly want. Of course they will challenge and stretch me in ways I will hate at times – but I will keep my eyes on the big picture – on the end goal. And I will push through. It does terrify me – the fear of failing – but – the act of not even trying – that brings a feeling I don’t even want to try to explain.

What I’m really afraid of is…

I’m afraid I might find you – or remnants of you, to be more precise.

Leftovers of your dirty work.

Fragments of the hurt you caused me that still linger.

I have thought, several times – of contacting you. I have thought about picking up the phone, dialing your number and waiting for your voice on the other end.

If you didn’t answer – I’d write it off as no big deal and go on my way.

But if you did answer – I’d tell you I forgive you. I’d tell you that I harbor no hard feelings towards you and that I hope you are doing well. I’d tell you that I pray for you whenever you come into my mind and I hope that you are able to feel God’s love for you. I’d tell you that I hope that one day you give your life fully to God and that you realize you are capable of healing and you do have a choice to change. I’d tell you that until you realize all that and turn to God – you will NEVER be able to accept and give the love that you deserve. I’d let you know that I would continue to pray for you whenever you come into my mind and I truly wish you all the best in life.

And that’d be it.

Short and sweet.

And sometimes I think it’s all true. I came so close, a few weeks ago. I was convinced that that phone call would be the answer to any hurt or pain either of us were feeling at the moment. But I thought hard on it all – maybe too hard. And I didn’t do it. Because sometimes I really do think it’s all true – but other times…I wonder if it’s all an act.

Not the part about me praying for you whenever you come into my mind…because I do that every time. Every time I think about you – I pray that God just surrounds you and that you are able to feel His love for you. I do hope that one day you give your life fully to God and that you realize you are capable of healing and you do have a choice to change. And IT IS TRUE that until you turn to God and realize all that – you will NEVER be able to accept and give the love that you deserve.

That’s all true.

And it is true that I’ll continue to pray for you whenever God brings you into my mind. And I do – I do truly wish you all the best in life.

The part that I struggle with is – I don’t know if I forgive you.

I wouldn’t say I harbor any hard feelings towards you…but I don’t know if I forgive you…

I know I should – obviously.

But if I am honest – I don’t know if I want to be honest.

I don’t know if I want to go searching in my treasure chest and find that there are still pieces of you left there.

Can I be completely honest with you?

You’re nothing that I ever want. And not in the sense of “you’re everything I never knew I needed…”

Literally – there is nothing about you that I want to have in my life or be apart of.

Nothing.

I feel shame when I think of how I allowed you in my life as much as I did.

I think of how I spent so long and worked so hard on being a different person – a better person – and in such a short period of time – I allowed you to destroy everything I had built.

I think of how – everything you are – is the opposite of what I want.

And as cliché as is sounds – so much of you is like so many of those I allowed in my life before.

I know I never talked much about him…but you are so much like him – to the extent that it scares me.

I’m not sure that I saw it all while you were in my life – but since you’ve been gone – I’ve realized a few things…

It wasn’t you personally that I was attracted to…it was all the ways you were like him. But I wasn’t attracted to you because you were like him…because I wasn’t even attracted to him or maybe I was – but not a good attraction – a negative one. The same one that has held me back so many times before in life. The one that has caused me to settle and has nurtured my insecurities. The one that tells me every day I’m not good enough and if only I win that certain type of person’s approval…then I will have worth. That person that rarely likes anyone or anything…that person that is never happy – if I can get that person to be happy – I’ll have found meaning to myself…

And you were that person – just like he was. Just like a few of them have been…

Judgmental

Manipulative

Moody

Narcissistic

Selfish

Critical

Broken

Hurt

Wounded

Insecure

Prideful

Destructive

Abusive…

It all fit him. And it all fits you.

I never saw it while you were in my life. Maybe I just didn’t want to – or maybe you put on a really good show when you wanted to…

I didn’t realize how much you were like him until a few weeks ago – I realized that every time I think of you – I put you in the same category as him. And last week, when I was saying something to my mom about you – I actually called you by his name without realizing it – until my mom had stopped me and pointed out to me what I had done.

But the difference between you and him is – he was first. He tore my world apart for over a year. He was the most difficult thing I had ever gone through – he destroyed me for so long in so many ways. And I was broken. I was trapped. In a sick way – I was addicted.

Addicted to gaining his approval. Every failure – meant a chance to prove myself worthy. Every disapproval or disappointment of his provided an opportunity for me to work to have some false sense of worth. It was something to gain and something to prove.

It was disgusting – to say the least.

I was unhealthy and insecure – I was so lost.

But I was in a cycle.

A sick cycle that only God had the power to pull me out of.

And He did.

And I healed.

And I changed.

But you made me feel like I hadn’t changed.

For a while there – you made me feel like I was back at square one.

Because you’re just like him in so many ways.

Maybe you didn’t break down my bathroom door or break through my dorm room window or pull my hair or leave bruises on my arms.

I don’t think you’d ever lay a hand on me – but I didn’t think he would either.

The simple fact is: I don’t know who you really are. I don’t know anything about you.

It makes me feel better when I remember that this time - you had everyone in my life fooled. They all saw what I saw in the beginning and they were all shocked when they heard about what you did and how you handled things. But as soon as they heard – it was strike three with all of them. And this time – it was strike three for me too. We all had had enough.

But with him he definitely didn’t have everyone fooled…for months and months my friends and family saw right through him…but I chose to be blind.

Not this time.

This is where you and him differ:

With him – I would find myself always making excuses:

“But he has a good heart…”

“He’s been through a lot…”

“He’s a really nice guy once you get to know him…”

The excuses would go on.

But with you – or rather – with who I am now – there are NO excuses for you.

You don’t have a good heart. You have the potential to have one – everyone does – but you don’t have God. So nothing about you is good.

Yeah – you have been through a lot. But that’s a fact. Not an excuse. And most facts exist to show reason for a need to change. PROOF that there is a need for change. And all you prove is that you don’t want to change. You like being how you are and who you are. You’re addicted to it.

I honestly don’t know if you’re a nice guy. I know you can put on a good face when you want to. But your actions prove your heart. And there’s nothing “nice” about the way you treated me and what you did. There’s nothing nice about your narcissistic attitude and the way you judge and hate the world and everyone in it. All your “nice” actions do is prove that you’re a good liar. And your ultimate actions just show that at this time, you aren’t capable of being truly a good guy.

Like I said – you have the potential to truly be nice. But without God – it’ll never happen.

I’m not trying to be mean or hurtful or vindictive by any of this.

I am just expanding on the statement of what I meant by, I don’t know if I forgive you.

But though it may sound like it – I don’t hate you. Not one bit. I know that you’re truly hurt and that you need God. That’s what your problem is. You’re empty. And all you have to fill that emptiness with is anger and hatred – because that’s all you have experienced in the world.

But if you’d let go of all of that and turn to God – you would change entirely.

And you’d be beautiful.

I can see all this about you – because of how different I am.

He was first. And even though being with him destroyed me – it also built me up in so many ways. It made me strong and showed me I had power. It showed me that God sees me at my lowest points and hears even my faintest cries. It showed me that when I don’t have any strength or energy left – God never runs dry. And He moves Heaven and Earth to save His children – and He moved Heaven and Earth to save me.

I always wondered why I went through the experience of being with him. Maybe it was to scare me and warn me. Maybe it was to show me a glimpse of how bad it could get if I were to stay with you.

I gave you a few chances because I knew you were hurt. But my chances ran dry because I knew you were hurt.

That’s what he did for me. He showed me that it’s not my purpose in life to save.

My purpose is to love, yes. But not to save. Or to seek approval or acceptance or to win over.

I finally know, after all this time, that my worth and security and approval can’t and won’t ever come from you. It comes from God. My Creator.

Because you don’t know me the way He does. You don’t love me and you don’t see me. You don’t forgive me and you don’t pursue me. You didn’t lay your life down for me. You don’t have the power to heal and restore me. You can’t add to me or take away from me. You have no say over what ultimately happens to me.

I couldn’t heal him. And I can’t heal you.

Being with him showed me I have to give my insecurities to God. And that I had to give him to God.

It took over a year to learn what I had to with him. But because of that year that it took for me to give him to God – it only took two months for me to give you to God.

I mentioned earlier that I don’t really know who you are. So I’m not really sure I have the grounds or capacity to forgive or not forgive you – I think my issue is – I am having a difficult time forgiving myself.

Because I do know me.

And I know the woman that I want to be.

And I know what God wants for me.

And once again – I allowed myself to settle.

But here’s the thing. I see where I have grown. Maybe to the outside – it looks as if I’m still the same lost girl – but I’m not. Because I’m not still with you.

I didn’t fight for you. And when you tried to contact me – I didn’t respond. Because I made a promise to God and He made a promise to me.

We’re both going to do what’s best for me. No matter how hard it is or how lonely I get. Because we love me.

And you don’t.

It’s as simple as that.

I’m not the girl I was a few years ago. I don’t have the same addictions and attractions for the same unhealthy things that aren’t good for me.

Because I’m better and stronger.

When I think about it initially – I really just want to punch myself in the face for even going near you. I just think of how stupid I am for even falling for your facade. But God reminds me that I’m alone right now – and I’m alone because I really didn’t fall for your scheme. I didn’t get sucked into another unhealthy cycle. I saw it for what it was and you for how you are and I kept my distance. Maybe I made some mistakes – but I still learned a lot too.

So you can go on with you miserable life. Live each day hating yourself more than the next. You can be depressed and do whatever you can to make everyone around you depressed too.

But you can’t affect me anymore. You can’t hurt me or control me. You can’t influence my happiness and way of life. You can’t stop me from doing what I want to do or from loving who I want to love.

But you CAN change.

But it’s not my responsibility to change you.

You have to own up to it yourself. Stop being the coward that you are, be a real man, and go to God.

So this is the purpose of all of this:

“I know some of what’s in my heart. I know the things that come easy. The desires and the passions. I know what I want to do – I might have difficulty doing it sometimes… – but I know what I want. I do… I know what gets my heart racing…The only problem is – lately – I haven’t been “digging in my treasure chest” (my heart). I haven’t taken that step – I haven’t gone there – because I’m afraid of what I might find…I’m afraid I might find you – or remnants of you, to be more precise…”

It’s time to “go digging” – because if I don’t – I won’t be able to accomplish my desired goals. I won’t be able to better myself and become healthy if there are things I am denying or ignoring. I can’t transform only part of my heart. I can’t pick and choose what I want to change and where I want to heal and grow. I can’t only give part to God.

I have to give Him every part of me. Even if it means facing things I don’t really want to face. I have to feel it all. And I have to feel my way through it all. Good and bad.

I have to give it to Him.

Maybe some day you will get that phone call from me. Maybe not.

It doesn’t really matter.

What matters is what’s best for me. And what God wants for me.

I can forgive you without reaching out to you. And I can find healing without “closure”.

That’s another thing that “he” taught me…

“I always wondered why I went through the experience of being with him. Maybe it was to scare me and warn me. Maybe it was to show me a glimpse of how bad it could get if I were to stay with you.”

The events of our lives seem to make more sense when we realize that everything has purpose…there is a lesson in every moment.

It’s oddly exciting when we allow the negative to be used for positive.

When we allow God to take our mess of a life that we have created and turn it into something extraordinary and beautiful…