"Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises of all shapes and sizes..."

I am not really sure why, but I always feel the need (or maybe it’s just a habit) to start my posts off by explaining where the thoughts of them originated from…

So, with that being said…

Last night as I was praying, an interesting thought came into my mind:

It is natural to have desires, right? But what about when we take it upon ourselves to go after those desires?

Obviously there is nothing wrong with that, if we are being led by God and He has compelled us to go after that desire, but what if it is something that is not meant for us?

I do this a lot. I see something that I want and then I go after it. But as I was contemplating this last night…the thread of my thoughts just kept getting deeper and deeper:

When I do this – when I go after something that I want that is not meant for me – I am creating myself out to be a thief.

I am robbing so many situations on so many levels.

I am robbing the person who this thing was initially intended for.

I am robbing myself by settling for something that was not meant for me, and possibly ruining or delaying the chances of me getting what really is intended for me.

And I am robbing God of the glory He would be receiving if only I had waited on Him and allowed Him to bring to me what He has for me in His perfect time.

This “thing” could be anything really. It could be a job, a title, a hobby, a relationship, or even a material thing.

For example: It could be a position at church. I absolutely love being a youth leader at church…but what if one day I decided I wanted to quit that and go help out in the nursery? I really think I would be awesome with the little tykes…but everyone feels differently because, if we’re being honest…holding a baby makes me as nervous and uncomfortable as swimming with sharks: One wrong move and someone is feelin’ the pain! But for some reason, that is what I want! No more deep theological discussions with teenage girls whose minds are like sponges, soaking up every piece of knowledge and wisdom they discover about our Creator…bring on baby slobber and snack time!

Okay…this is a poor example…because my heart is just not in the nursery…but that’s because I know that just isn’t where God wants me…but what if I just decided it was all of a sudden what I was going to go for?

I would be taking up a position in the nursery and ruining the chances of someone helping out there who would most likely be a much better fit than me! Someone who would know exactly what to do to get an infant to fall asleep or how to handle the thing when it just wont stop crying!

Not only that…I would be robbing the junior high and high school girls of being blessed by my charming, exquisite presence. Hah…kidding…but I would be robbing them of me being there for them. If I know that working with that age group is really where my heart is, then I know that Christ has put that desire there for a reason, and that is where He wants to use me! And if I ignored that, then I would be robbing those girls of learning a lesson that God may want to teach them through me! And not only that…I would be robbing myself of what God TRULY has for me, and I would be robbing God of receiving the glory from those girls and me, for using me!

That kind of got confusing in my head…but does it make sense?

With all that being said – God is going to accomplish His work regardless of my stupid, off-track decisions! If He wants a message to be delivered – He will make sure the intended recipient gets it, whether I am involved or not – but He WANTS me. THAT is the point.

1 Corinthians 12:17-19

“If the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where would be the smelling? But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased. And if they were all one member, where would the body be?”

(Remember…this was just an example of the type of thing I am talking about…I did not and have not…and possibly will not…EVER…have a desire to quit working with teenage girls and start helping out in the nursery…not saying I would not ever help out there if someone was needed…but…let’s just get it clear that NO ONE should ever think it is a good idea for me to help out with infants……………..EVER.)

So that was last nights’ realization…

Then tonight as I was praying another interesting concept came into my mind:

God not only allows certain things to happen, but He ORDAINS things to happen as well…

I don’t want to want things that aren’t meant for me. And as long as I follow Christ and commit my ways to Him…He will make it very clear what is and is not for me. And even more so, He will bless me with what IS meant for me.

I want all of my fleshly and selfish desires to be removed from me…and I want them to be replaced with whatever God wants for me. Then I know that I could never go wrong! I will be living a life that glorifies Him no matter what.

I guess it was just a reminder that God has it all under control. And for someone as inconsistent and indecisive as me…NOTHING could possibly bring me greater peace than knowing that I am in God’s hands and He never lets go.

Proverbs 16:9, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.”

"Anything and everything a chap can unload"

Just fantasize with me for a moment…

Think about everything you have ever wanted in life…

Love, happiness, security, comfort…

Even material things…money, a nice car, a nice house, a personal chef (yes please!), all expenses paid vacations to the most extravagant places in the world…

Have you ever seen the movie “Blank Check”?! It’s this movie from the ‘90’s where this kid is given a blank check by accident, so he writes it to himself for $1,000,000! With which he buys a castle!!! A bouncy, bungee-jump thingy! An indoor/outdoor waterslide! A go-kart track! A human-bouncy-velcro-wall thingy! A private limo-service! And of course many other random things during crazy shopping sprees! To be honest…the biggest part that sticks out to me from the movie, is when he is sitting in the back of the limo eating a HUGE thing of ice cream that is basically bigger than he is!

I remember thinking about it when I was younger…what would I buy if I had $1,000,000? (The human-size vat of ice cream was DEFINITELY on the list!) Heck…even now…at times, my friends and I fantasize about winning the lottery and being able to buy anything and go anywhere we want!

If I could have anything and everything in the world…what would it be…?

What about you? What would you want?

Imagine meeting someone who could give you everything you ever wanted!

I often joke about marrying a doctor or a lawyer and being able to travel the world…

But what if that REALLY did happen? What if I met someone who was able to give me everything I ever desired…

It all sounds pretty alluring on the surface…

But how pure would my intentions be?

Would the love that I had for this man be based off of who he genuinely is and how I see Christ in him, or would it be based off of what he can give me? Off of what I can get from him?

And in difficult times in our relationship…would my faith and trust in God and my love for this man be what keeps our relationship alive…or would it be my love for the extravagant lifestyle and how I would not want to give that up?

How easily would my interest turn from the man himself, to what he has?

When these thoughts came into my mind tonight…they were not initially about a romantic relationship…that is just the easiest way I thought of to be able to explain to someone else what I was really thinking about…

Maybe this all seems pretty surfacey and after reading all of this, you may think I am a pretty shallow person, but this is just me being honest…

But all of this started with me thinking about God and everything that He has given me.

I’ll be completely honest and say that I have often wondered about my true intentions when it comes to my relationship with Christ. Do I follow Him because I truly believe that He loves me and I want to TRULY KNOW Him? Or do I follow Him because I want everything that He can give me?

Don’t get me wrong – we are supposed to desire and ask for God’s blessings…they are all part of ways that God is able to show us how much He loves us and in-return, He receives glory from us.

But how often do I turn to Him only because I want the grace and peace I know He gives. How often do I run to Him when I am hurting, solely because I just want the pain to go away?

And then as soon as I get what I want from Him…how often do I just go right back to what I was doing that caused that pain and suffering in the first place?

How often do I put what God gives me…the VERY blessings that HE ALLOWS me to receive…above Him?!

How many times have I told God that I don’t really care about truly KNOWING who He is and what He has done and how much He loves me and will always be there to forgive me and bring me back to Him…instead…I just want what He can give me.

I know how powerful He is. I know He can move mountains and can ordain anything He wants…

I know He could give me EVERY SINGLE desire of my heart if He wanted to…

How often do I attempt to use that and USE HIM to MY advantage? For MY own personal gain?

It makes me so sick to think about.

Think about it the other way…

You met someone who you love more than anything in the world! I mean…this guy has it all! The greatest smile! The most contagious laugh! He really has everything that you could ever want in a man. And you just fall head-over-heels instantly in-love! And you give him anything and everything that he wants…and you know that he doesn’t truly love you for who you are…but he loves what you can give him.

(granted – this is probably a VERY poor example…because no man of my dreams who I plan to fall head-over-heels instantly in-love with would ever use me for his own personal gain...but hopefully you get what I’m saying…)

The feeling and knowledge of this must be utterly heart-breaking.

All you want to do is give this person all of your love…and all they want from you is whatever your money can buy.

Maybe you’re not really following what I am saying and you TRULY 100% follow Christ for ALL of the most pure and genuine reasons…and that is incredible…

But sometimes I just wonder what my true intentions are…

Thankfully Christ knows my heart and He knows my true intentions…and He has made me aware of all of this and brought conviction to me…so He’s still there...if I haven’t done anything to scare Him away thus far, then I’m pretty sure there is nothing I could ever do to scare Him away…He’s proven He is in it for the long-haul!

But these are the kinds of things I ponder when I am alone with my thoughts and God…

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” – C.S. Lewis

He has a CRUSH on me!!!

There is just something about getting together with a friend and talking about God!

I have this friend whom I love dearly! We have been pretty good friends since high school. He is one of my favorite people to hang out with and talk to, because some how, no matter what we start off talking about, we always end up talking about God. I love it so much because I not only get to see a fellow Christian’s love and heart for God, but I get to see a MAN’s heart for God. Every time I am with him I just think to myself…”This is what a REAL MAN looks like!” A man after God’s own heart…someone who is actively pursing Him and working to better himself in every way possible.

I believe every single girl needs that single guy friend who shows her an amazing example of what a TRUE, HONEST, GENUINE, RESPECTFUL, CHRIST-LIKE MAN looks like.

Ladies…if you’re afraid (like I have been so many times) that all the “good ones” are taken…don’t lose hope!!! The GOOD ONE for you is out there waiting for you to come along, just like you are waiting for him!

Anyways…back to what I was saying =]

So my friend and I started talking about God and he was telling me about this book that he has been reading and how it is really convicting him and helping him see where he needs to better himself and prepare himself for his future wife!

He does not have too many other Christian friends that he hangs out with so he started talking about how it can be difficult for him at times because the people he hangs out with most, are not really the best of influences, and it can be easy, at times, to be influenced by them.

It was perfect because yesterday morning in Sunday school, the main pastor at our church spoke to the high school and junior high about God’s “crush”! This is when you have sin in your life that you are consciously aware of and you are feeling guilty about it.

I thought I was the only person who had ever been there.

When I am struggling with something and I know it’s not right, but I want to ignore it so badly because I want to live the way that I want to live at times. So I continue on with whatever I know I should not be doing and then eventually it’s like I lose all excitement in life. And I do not find joy in the things that I once found joy in, because this sin has taken over so much of my life and just suffocates me! I get to the point where I am just miserable and miserable to be around!

Believe it or not…this is a GOOD thing!!! It is God convicting me and pulling me back to Him and making me realize that I am NEVER going to be satisfied or find joy in anything BUT Him!!! He is crushing me!! Crushing me to the point where I have absolutely no choice but to turn back to Him and repent and get rid of my sin! It is God telling me He loves me and He will not allow me to sway too far from Him because He cares about me way too much to allow me to find joy and fulfillment in something other than Him, especially in something as disgusting as sin!

"For whom the Lord loves, He corrects..." - Proverbs 3:12

I have seen this SO many times in my life…but I don’t think I have ever been able to describe exactly what it was before. I think I just thought that something was wrong with me! Which is both right and wrong at the same time. My sin is WRONG…but I can rest assured that God has not forgotten about me and me being so miserable without Him is RIGHT!

I was talking to my friend about the story of Moses and Aaron and the Israelites from Deuteronomy 9. After he lead the Israelites from Egypt, Moses went to Mount Sinai to meet with God for forty days. During this time the Israelites grew impatient and starting complaining, so Aaron made a golden calf for them to worship out of all of their treasures. God told Moses what was happening and told him to go back to the Israelites and He wanted to destroy them, but Moses pleaded with God for their safety. Moses had just spent forty whole days in God’s presence!!! How incredible is that?!! And Aaron, who was not in God’s presence, became swayed by the people and tried to please their wishes instead of God’s. But Moses could not be swayed because His faith was so strong in God!

How incredible is that?!

Just imagine being so immersed with God’s presence that NOTHING can sway you!!! Sure, you may become tempted from time to time…but your heart is so focused on Christ, that you have a strength greater than any temptation in the world, you have Christ’s strength!

If you’re like me…then thinking about something like this can be very overwhelming…

“That’s just not even possible for me…” I automatically feed myself defeat.

Believing EXACTLY what the enemy wants me to believe…setting myself up for failure.

But then I just think…or rather…God REMINDS ME:

The SAME GOD who empowered David to stand up against and defeat Goliath (1 Samuel 17:20-51),

The SAME GOD who saved Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego from the fiery furnace (Daniel 3),

The SAME GOD who caused the walls of Jericho to collapse (Joshua 6),

The SAME GOD who caused Gideon’s army of 300 men to conquer an army of 135,000 Midianites (Judges 6-8),

The SAME GOD who changed the heart of Saul of Tarsus into Paul the Apostle (Acts 9),

The SAME GOD who empowered Peter to walk on water (Matthew 14) and Moses to part the Red Sea (Exodus 14),

The SAME GOD who kept the lions from eating Daniel while he was in the lions den, but then allowed those lions to eat the men who plotted Daniel’s death (Daniel 6),

The SAME GOD who interlaced every single detail of Josephs’ CRAZY life (Genesis),

The SAME GOD who sent His only Son to this earth to become human and take on ALL of the worlds’ sin, and die on the cross to pay the ultimate sacrifice so that we never have to…

Is the SAME GOD whom we worship and follow!

He is the God who not only LIVES in us, but who GIVES US LIFE! He lives and breathes in us. He inspires us and moves us! He gives us direction and purpose.

He is OUR GOD!!! MINE! YOURS!

He is GREAT and MIGHTY and POWERFUL!!!

And He has ALREADY defeated the enemy!!!

And He LOVES and PURSUES us CONSTANTLY!!!!! He DESIRES us!!! HE DESIRES ME!!! HE DESIRES YOU!!!!

“The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying: ‘Yes I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you. Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt…’” – Jeremiah 31:3,4

And if you are His, then He will not allow you to be without Him.

“So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord.” – Deuteronomy 8:3

I want more than just "alright". Alright?!

You know those days where you just seem to be going through the motions?

Where you just kind of are alive…but not 100% sure you are living?

I’m not talking about those deep depressing days where you feel like you’re going to break any second…though those could possibly fit into this post as well…

I’m just talking about that…”wherever the wind blows me” sort of attitude…

”just rollin’ with the punches…”

"It is what it is..."

Well…today was sort of like that for me.

One of my good friends and I argue A LOT…but in a good way! It’s great because we are both pretty hard headed and we just push each other to really think about certain things and just really dig deep into why we believe what we believe and why we think the way we do! Now – he is not a Christian…so…granted…we both have extremely different views…but we still respect each other.

A few weeks ago he told me I was being way too hard on one of my other friends because of some choices that this other person was making…and at first I just stood my ground and said that I wasn’t at all…but after I had thought about it for a few days, I decided that he may have been right.

But after a day like today…where I just feel like I’m just sitting in this tiny boat and being pushed wherever the tide takes me…I am reminded that I kind of like that stubborn part of myself. Granted…I can come off somewhat judgmental sometimes…and that is something I really am working on…but as long as I am not being prideful, and my stubbornness is coming from a place of wisdom and discernment…then I don’t want to change that part of myself!

I want drive!

I want passion!

I want heart!

I want a foundation to build a house on!

And I want a hill to die on!

I don’t want to just be going through my days, not really knowing why I am doing what I am doing and just feeling “alright…”.

I want so much more than just “going through the motions…”

I WANT PURPOSE!

Growing up I was always taught to learn and figure out for myself what I believe and why I believe it. I was taught to do research and read and look into things for myself. I was taught to not just take whatever people throw at me and just believe it just because I am told to, but to really be able to defend it because my heart is in it and not just because I am able to recite by verbatim a list of reasons why I believe it.

Then, going to a Christian college, it kind of just became exhaustive to me. Like “alright I get it…!”

I don’t think I fully understood and appreciated what my family and professors were trying to do for me…

Basically, they were telling me to get a backbone…find some passion! Find some PURPOSE!

I don’t think that it is all about just book smarts…or even bible smarts…if that makes sense…anyone could soak up information about anything and recite it.

It’s about heart. And actually LIVING it out.

Sometimes I don’t see God for how beautiful He truly is…