I was writing in my journal tonight about things that might
be taking my attention away from God. My journal is more of a prayer book to
God…a place where I am able to bring everything before Him and lay it all out.
I have never been someone who is good at talking…which is a bummer because I
love it.
But give me a pen and some paper and I could write for
hours…
I do pray out loud as well…but there is just something so
freeing about writing my desires/concerns/hopes/fears/praises out to God. It is
like…even if I don’t really know what to pray about…just putting the pen to the
paper opens this part of me that I regularly overlook otherwise…
So anywho…as I was saying…I was writing in my journal
tonight, asking that God would reveal to me the things that keep me from Him,
and asking Him to help show me how much He loves me and what I mean to Him.
I have been really insecure lately. I, like any other human
girl, typically love to dress up and look cute. Normally, I don’t leave that
mirror until I am completely satisfied with the image I see reflecting back at
me.
But lately I have not been like that at all. For awhile it
was extremely depressing to me…how insecure I had become and how ugly I seemed
to feel and look all of the time.
If ever one could FEEL the definition of “pointless” – I had
it in every ounce of my body.
And then – I got over the depressing part of it…and just
decided to accept it.
“If I am ugly then so what. It is who I am – people can
accept it or not.”
It probably seems difficult to believe that I could truly
believe these words and not have the “woe-is-me” attitude that they seem to
come along with…but really – I just kind of accepted them and moved on. Tired
of being depressed. But tired of caring so much and putting so much effort into
looking otherwise.
Maybe certain circumstances have brought me to this
defeatist attitude. Maybe it is because I do not have someone in my life who
tells me on the regular how beautiful I am. But…
does that really matter?
I don’t know why it suddenly popped into my mind…
“Words of affirmation”
If you were ever to visit my house, you would see Bible
verses and inspiring quotes taped to and written on my bathroom and bedroom
mirrors. I don’t say this to try to bring attention to how “holy” I am. Trust
me. It is hard to see the good, or beautiful, on my mirror when I am too busy obsessing
over what I have branded to be ugly.
I only say this because…clearly “words of affirmation” are
extremely important to me…or why else would I have placed these reminders in
places where I know I unavoidably look every day? But there I am…choosing to
ignore them – because something else is playing god in my life.
Which brings me to my purpose here…
“Jealously guard your relationship with God.”
My devotional is always a bitter-sweet reminder.
Jealousy...
Why is that word ONLY beautiful when it involves God?
I mean – I have played the ugly jealous girlfriend part all
too well. And I have been extremely turned off from jealous boyfriends…
I mean think about it…you’re a girl…or a boy…
How much shame or embarrassment do you feel if/when you are
able to think back on a time when you acted like a crazy jealous person over
someone you liked? I can’t even count how many times I played that part…hah…oh
well…
Now think if anyone has ever acted towards you that
way…there are not many things more unattractive to me than a crazy, insecure,
jealous boy.
Now think of the song “How He Loves”
“He is jealous for me…”
Right now…I can’t think of anything more beautiful…
God probably has the most powerful and scary and even crazy
form of jealousy for us than we will ever know.
Our shallow, insecure, crazy-ex-girlfriend jealousy has
NOTHING on Him.
And rooted in a much deeper, truer, and healthier form of
passion than we could ever express.
Who cares how I see myself. And who cares how others see me.
Not because I have momentarily allowed the world of vanity
to swallow me up and remove any God-given wisdom about how beautiful He has
made me…
But because He loves me. And HE is JEALOUS for ME…and He
won’t allow me to wander too long or far before He does everything He needs to
to bring me back to Him.
Do I become angry when something begins to steal my
attention from God? Do I do everything in my power to get rid of that
distraction before it even has the chance to knock on my door, let alone take a step inside? I have before, but
do I every single time it happens? Clearly not…since I have been struggling
with this lately…
Just like He loves and cares for me and is protective over
me – I too should be JEALOUS over my relationship with Him, And guard it from all
the petty things that try to steal my attention from Him.
“and I realize just
how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me…”
