Something Beautiful...

Lately I have been longing for adventure. If you are like me – you spend a lot of your free time dreaming about far away places and unnatural excitement. It may be the way a painting looks or enchanting words from a book that pull you in. But no matter how you are compelled – you dream. You look at an old clock and instead of just seeing numbers and the time of day that it is, you see a magical device that can transport you to any dimension of your choosing. Instead of seeing ruffled blankets on a bed, you see a vast ocean that could carry you any place you wish to go. But lately…the adventure I want, isn’t just any adventure…sure I would LOVE to be wandering in the forest and fall down a huge hole in the ground which leads to another world where flowers and animals talk nonsense all day…or open my door and find a grey wizard standing there with a ring in his hand, urging me to take it on a dangerous journey to the fires of Mount Doom to destroy it for the sake of all life in general. As exciting as this all sounds, lately I want real adventure…practical adventure…adventure with a purpose. Something that is placed in my life for a reason - something that will lead me to real places I never dreamed of going - something that brings joy and excitement far more than I ever thought I could feel. Something real.

This past week I have been realizing that I may be shutting out that adventure. I went to my friends house a few nights ago and after dinner her father read out of a daily devotional. It talked about God bringing things into our lives and how we can easily blind ourselves to these things because of the plans that we have made for ourselves.

I have a plan. I have many plans in fact. Plan one - Don't take life too seriously - It's way too short to be serious all the time. I LOVE making people laugh. I love being a goofball and being able to put a smile on someone’s face and have the chance to feel that perhaps I made their day a little more enjoyable. Plan two - Love everyone God has placed in my life - they are here for a reason and even though it took me a very long time to realize how much community and friendship mean to me, I never want to take it for granted ever again. Plan three - Find adventure of course. Whether it be here in Phoenix or in another country; I want to find great adventure. I would have thought these were the plans I have had my whole life, but looking back on even just this past year, I can find proof where I did not live out my so called "plans" very well. For one - This past year was entirely WAY too serious. And two - for just about the whole year - I lost everyone that ever meant anything to me - by my own choices, yes, but that is just what makes me question the validity of my plans.

I have other plans of course - some that are more personal. But what if God has other plans for me than I have for myself (I know it is safe to assume that He does...this is more of a rhetorical question...)...But I have made these other plans to protect myself - and what if God has plans for me that will challenge that? It is kind of scary to think about, frightening to be honest - but isn't that what we do - make plans to protect ourselves when in reality these plans just end up hurting us more...The devotional that my friends father read talked about us being selfish and going after things that are not meant for us, leading us down a road of pain and destruction. Why do we do this? Why do I do this?

Why am I so afraid to trust Him? Is it because I don’t believe that the very person who gave me life can fulfill that very life in ways that I never imagined? Or is it because I don’t want Him to? It is such a different light when we think of our not trusting Christ in a negative way. For instance – it is so easy for Christians to look at their lack of faith in Christ as a positive thing like: “I don’t put my life fully in Christ’s hands because who knows what unwanted strife it could bring into my life!” or “I don’t fully trust in Christ because I don’t want to be taken out of my comfort zone.” Instead, what if we thought of it as: “I don’t trust in Christ because He has the most amazing life planned for me and I am just lazy.” Or “I don’t obey Christ because He wants more for me than I could ever imagine for myself and I don’t want to live my life to its fullest potential.”

Of course God doesn’t promise that our lives will be utterly fantastic once we put our faith in Him. In fact, He promises the exact opposite. But He also promises that He loves us and He wants the best for us. It might seem weird, but if you can make sense out of this: I would rather have God’s form of loving, Fatherly punishment, than the best thing that I could imagine for myself.

I don’t want to stray too far from my initial intention of writing about all of this, but I just want the point made that, no matter what crazy adventure I want for myself, it can, in no way, come close to what God has planned for me. Whether He has planned good times or hardships. Whether it be staying in Phoenix and living the same routine from day to day, or getting the chance to race Arabian horses through the Eastern Desert. I know I just need to put more faith in Him and live life to the fullest each day no matter where I am, cause I never know what change or adventure God has planned for my life. And as hard and scary as it might be to let Him have control over it all - I know I am much safer placing my life in His hands, than I am keeping it in my own hands...

For the old Goodbye's that bring new Hello's...

The past year has been so amazing to me: Unimaginably scary – but unfathomably educational. I have grown in so many ways I never thought possible. So as I sit here in my little apartment, I can realize, that even though I still feel like a naïve little child – I am growing in ways that I never thought possible and I’ll be okay.

As the new year starts, I can’t help but look back on the past year and every aching part of it. It definitely was a year of growth and challenge for me, but in weird way – I know everything that happened was just what I needed. I said goodbye to something that was a major part of me. It was painful and extremely difficult, but God has been teaching me so much through it all. I feel it to be ironic, how some people define growth. Some talk about growth in such a funny way, like hurting and pain is the only way that people can actually grow and become stronger, and I know that is definitely true – to an extent. But I am so blessed and thankful to say, that the part that helped me grow a substantial amount this year; was the end – when I actually started enjoying life again. When I let go of all the negative that had been holding me back for more than just this past year. When I started realizing just how much worth I have and how valuable I am as a person and most of all; as a child of Christ. It wasn’t until I knew I deserved better than what I had settled for and that I actually, for once, picked myself up and started reaching for better, that I started growing. When I started healing and finding joy in life – That’s when I started getting stronger. I do know that if I had not gone through what I had gone through in the exact way that I did, that I would not have been able to grow the way I have, and I am so thankful for that – but lets be honest – I am so thankful to be out of it.

Nevertheless, I have learned a lot this year. Typically I am not one to be very fond of goodbyes. Whether it be saying goodbye to a dear friend, a family member or even a chapter in life – I have always hated change. But this past year has made me so thankful for change. Without it, life would just be at a standstill.

So, I have learned that not all goodbyes are bad. Yes, some are very sad, but some allow you to make room for other people in your life who truly will treat you the way that you deserve...and for those goodbyes, I am very thankful!