Wednesday, October 29, 2014

From: Dust To: Dust

Saying my life is busy is a total understatement.

The thing that worries me the most in my life is me getting caught up in the thought that I can do any of it all on my own.

In my mind and my heart – I know I need God.

I know I am nothing without Him.

But when people tell ME how awesome ME is (I know that’s improper…) It really begins to get to my head.

I KNOW I am NOTHING special.

I KNOW I am NOTHING of any worth.

I KNOW I am NOTHING on my own.

But I want to ALWAYS BE AWARE of it. I want to ALWAYS be consciously aware of the fact that ANY GOOD that is involved in my life comes SOLELY from GOD and NONE of it is a result of ANYTHING I do.

“For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust.”
- Psalm 103:14

I am so thankful that even when I forget how worthless I am apart from Him – He always knows – and His grace covers me through and through and graciously reminds me that it’s HIM and not me.


THAT is what gives me freedom to live.


Monday, October 20, 2014

Conversing with Mrs. Potty Mouth


Do you ever just sit and take the time to think about the state our world is in?

Last week when I went to visit my friends and their baby, the father of the baby was showing me a baby book that they were in the process of writing in for their newborn daughter. Of course…I cried through the whole book haha…

The dad told me that when it came to the part where you’re supposed to write what’s going on in the world and major events, he didn’t want to fill it out because of everything that’s going on. So we joked that they should just write “The world is ending.” As comical as that was in that moment…it really made me sad to think about everything that IS really going on.

…Wars…diseases…murders…corruption…starvation…gang violence…the list goes on and on…

Last Saturday I went to Magic Mountain with a couple of my friends who were visiting from Phoenix. It was fright fest that night so there were “zombies” walking around the park scaring people. My friends and I were standing in line for Goliath and a teenager next to us was asked to get down from the hand railing that he was sitting on. He got down but he proceeded to (quietly) cuss out the worker who asked him to get down and said something stupid like “It’s a free country I can do whatever the (bad word here) I want.”

So me…being me…(I think cussing is one of the trashiest things people can do) just gave him a dirty look…haha…I saw that some lady was standing right next to him on her phone...I didn’t know who she “belonged” to…surely she couldn’t be his mother because she just let him run his mouth off so disrespectfully…but no…she was his mother…just playing on her phone not even caring that her son sounds like a gang member from “End of Watch”.

Sad.

So some time passed and we were still in line when some zombies decided they were going to scare the group of junior highers right behind this lady and her ignorant son (there were actually 3 or 4 sons with her…but the others looked miserable the whole time and never said a word). When the zombies scared the group of junior highers, one of the girls ran into the mom of the sons and the mom started cussing the JUNIOR HIGH girl out! I literally was just staring at her…shocked…I don’t know why I was so shocked…she didn’t care how her son acted, so clearly she was no better…then one of the junior high boys ran into her and the mom…THE GROWN WOMAN…PUSHED the JUNIOR HGH boy and started cussing him out!!!

(I like literally could not believe it…I’m getting really mad just thinking about it right now…)

The kids told the lady it was an accident and they were sorry and didn’t mean to but the lady just kept cussing them out…

So…I couldn’t keep quiet anymore…

“You realize you are cussing out children right?”

“I don’t give a (bad word).”

“Alright. Would you like to go in front of us?”

“No. Mind your own (bad word) business.”

“When you are offending me by cussing out CHILDREN it IS my business.”

“Why don’t you try being ran into by (bad word) kids all day”

“Maybe you should go home.”

“Maybe you should shut the (bad word) up.”

At this point…I began to laugh…in her face…………..yeah………I literally just could not take this lady serious…she was so ridiculous…but really...that is all I could do because I just felt so uncomfortable with the whole thing and how this grown woman was acting towards children.

“You are cussing out children who are MUCH younger than you…”

“I don’t give a (bad word).”

“Are you serious right now?” (while I’m laughing…)

“Yes” (very seriously…but I could tell she felt stupid)

“I can’t take you seriously, you’re ridiculous.” (still laughing…)

End of conversation.

Her sons looked very embarrassed…

Then my friend Ryan and I proceeded to joke about how she was such a friendly soul…like a purring kitten…

As much as I couldn’t keep from laughing (because literally…if you could see her…she was just sooooo ridiculous…) I still was so mad with how she treated those kids…

There were so many other things I wanted to say to her…like I wanted her to be aware of the fact that what she was doing was considered child abuse and NOT OKAY. And that she was setting an UTTERLY TERRIBLE example for her kids. And…I’m sorry to say…I just wanted to tell her that she was straight up TRASH and that I felt sorry for anyone who ever had to be around her. And no wonder her son sounded so ignorant…he was getting the perfect example of how to be that way!

But……………………..I knew that to retaliate in such a way would make me no better than her……………………………………and I know God was just holding me back……..I stayed extremely calm during the whole thing and I said all I needed to say…and hopefully it made her really think about her attitude (and make her feel like an idiot……haha….but really…)

Then…I began to really think about it…for the remainder of the time spent standing in that line…and the whole drive home…and that night while lying in bed…I just thought about that lady and wondered about what she might be going through…she was on her phone all night and my first thought was to think about how she was just careless and ignorant and probably just on facebook and in her own little selfish dumb dumb dumb world and cared more about that crap than the way her kids acted…but what if she was really reading an email from a family member that talked about someone close who just passed away? What if she was in the middle of an emotional conversation about how she’s losing her house and she was just really stressed and going crazy…? Then I began to feel really sad and sorry for her…because even if any of those things WERE the case…she still set a horrible example.

Sadly though…I think that was just her. Clearly her son had been raised to believe that his behavior was alright…which made me so much more sad…

How lost do you have to be to think that cussing out children and pushing them is OKAY???

Part of me just wanted to tell her “I’ll pray for you” buuuuut….that would have just been me being sarcastic….because I really didn’t want to pray for her at all……..

I wanted to tell her to think before she acted and bring up the fact that maybe one of those junior highers has abusive parents and they came to six flags to have a good time and here they are getting treated the very same way that they are trying to get away from at home…or maybe one of their parents just died and this is the first time they have had fun in months or maybe they have cancer, or maybe I have cancer and you’re cussing me out…hah…I don’t know…





I’m not talking about all of this to try to make me seem like anything great in any way...I know I could have handled the situation much better...and…trust me…I spend 6 hours at work with junior high and high schoolers then an extra 6 hours throughout the week at church with more junior high and high schoolers…and I know what it’s like to get annoyed and frustrated and just burnt out. And sadly…there have been times where I have allowed that to determine the way I act and my attitude towards the kids…but if anyone ever questioned my heart and love for my students and children and youth in general…I wouldn’t stop fighting to prove myself.

And it really made me so angry how this lady thought that how she was acting was okay…

I started thinking about today’s society and how it seems like the behavior of people is just getting worse and worse…

I thought about how mad I was and how hurt I was for those junior high kids and how this GROWN WOMAN thought it was alright to treat them that way…

I thought about hearing stories on the news about moms and dads who are so strung out on drugs that they leave their babies to starve to death…

I thought about kids I know of that are homeless and have to find a different place to sleep every night…

I thought about people I know who have been abused in their life by their parents and family members…

I thought about kids who act out and have poor attitudes because they don’t have anyone at home to teach them better…

I thought about my friends’ newborn babies and how precious they are and how I would do anything to protect them…

And I thought about people who seem to have no problems at all…and don’t care about any of the families who do.

And I thought about how it is all just going to get worse.

I cried…for a good couple hours…

And then I realized…IT IS A WAR.

We’re not going to war – WE ARE AT WAR!! And we need to choose which side we are going to fight for.

I CHOOSE to speak up when I see people being mistreated. I choose to not be afraid when people who are older or bigger or even more educated than I am are taking advantage of someone or manipulating someone or hurting someone.

After I thought about all of this for a good few hours I was reminded of what the real issue was.

With my job…I have found myself (so many times) just wishing I was filthy rich, or that I would become rich…so I could buy people houses that need it and pay their bills and put food on their table…but money doesn’t solve the REAL issue. And buying someone a home doesn’t save them. They need Jesus.

They need a Savior.

I can’t ignore it any longer.

I’m reminded of a John Mark McMillian song Between the Cracks:

Hope grows between the cracks in the asphalt
in the downtown ghetto streets
that contour the government housing intentions of my heart
No one notices the daisies don't care
about gang related violence
as long as they get enough air and water and sun
They're all just fine

Who would've thought it but life is finding a way
through this wasteland of cynics, concrete, and pain
There's a man down here somewhere between
those Saturday cartoons and the dirty magazines
He's raising the dead in the graveyards
where we've laid down our dreams
and His name is Hope

Hope stands high on the 15th floor
of a Christmas tree perched about the ledge of a fortress
of steel that's trying too hard to be somebody's home
As it ceased my attention from I-85
though the throes of the day
Were still writhing inside
I lifted my head as I drove home that night and knew
everything was gonna be fine

Who would've thought it but life is finding a way
through this wasteland of cynics, concrete, and pain
There's a man down here somewhere between
those Saturday cartoons and the dirty magazines
He's raising the dead in the graveyards
where we've laid down our dreams
and His name is Hope

His name is hope
Everybody needs a little
His name is hope
Everybody wants a little
His name is hope
Everybody wants a little
His name is hope
Everybody needs a little

There's a man down here somewhere between
those Saturday cartoons and the dirty magazines
He's raising the dead in the graveyards
where we've laid down our dreams
and His name is Hope

Can you hear him outside?
He's been singing all night
He's saying when you gonna come out
from behind those paper-thin walls
of your cardboard box reality?

There's a man down here not worried or afraid
that some politician forgot all the promises he made
And He's raising the dead in the graveyards
where we've laid down our dreams
and His name is Hope

Can you hear Him outside He's been singing all night
He's saying when you gonna come out from behind
These paper thin walls, your cardboard box realities?

Who would've thought it but life is finding a way
through this wasteland of cynics, concrete, and pain
There's a man down here not worried or afraid
that some politician forgot all the promises he made
And He's raising the dreams in the graveyards
where we've laid down our dead
His name is Hope



HIS NAME IS HOPE!!!!



As much as my “I’ll pray for you” comment would have been my sarcasm side revealing itself…I know that praying for that woman is really what I NEED to do.

My mentor reminded me today (while speaking about a different subject) that it’s not our choice to pick and choose who we help and bless and “feed” but that it is our DUTY to be obedient to Christ in loving and helping ALL mankind.



I pray that my actions and words and attitude resemble NOTHING BUT Christ and HIS attitude. I pray that I love others how Christ would/does and I pray that I have patience and strength to not allow the way I might feel for a moment, effect how I treat others. And that when I am frustrated with students, instead of reacting out of anger or disbelief…I lovingly point them the right way and help them learn and grow instead of pushing them away and just making it all worse…


Friday, October 10, 2014

to whom it may concern,

I’m not sure that I have ever written you a complete letter before. But for some reason…I feel that it is all that I can do right now to help ease whatever this feeling is that I have swelling up inside of me…

This is probably one of the hardest times of the year for me. Not because I am alone. But because I am not with you.

I can’t express how sad I have felt lately...I don’t remember the last full day I went without crying…it has been…depressing…to say the least…

Not that my life itself is depressing. I love my life.

I hate admitting it – because I am someone who normally likes to be thought of as “strong” and “independent” but I think it’s time that I face this little demon inside of me…

So much of me is aching for you…is it wrong to allow one person to have so much affect over you? I struggle so much with this. I know it’s wrong to obsess over something and someone…and I don’t think it is that because I know I don’t put you over my relationships with Christ. But the more I feel Him…the more I want to feel you too. And how can it be wrong to desire someone that is so good for me?

I know I am already in love with you – but I just want to be able to love you.

I’ve felt so…lost lately. Like I just haven’t been myself…and I haven’t felt motivated to be myself either…

But then something incredible happened:

The night before last I spent the whole night at a hospital eagerly awaiting the arrival of a precious baby boy.

I arrived at the hospital around 9:30 p.m. and at 6:34 a.m. the next morning I got one of the most exciting texts I have ever received: “HE’S HERE!!!!”

Sweet sweet Camden Avery Drucker

I didn’t realize exactly what he meant to me until I stepped into that delivery room for the third time… and saw precious little Camden for the first time…and tears just began to fall from my eyes.

It is cliché to say that seeing him made me feel…more complete?

Like he provided me with something I had never felt before. A love that I never knew I could have for someone…

And a terror that I never knew was possible when I heard his panting.

He was having complications breathing because of fluids in his lungs so he had to be taken to the NICU…

I think I may have been more frightened for him than anyone else there…everyone seemed to be staying so calm…but my tears were uncontainable.

I couldn’t bear to see something so little and precious go through such a struggle…but he definitely wasn’t helpless. He was a fighter.

An hour later after good breathing he was released from NICU!

He is perfect.

I am so in love.

I don’t know how just one moment can change a person so much…but I know that after seeing little Camden, I will never be the same.

Most of the time…life is simple. It provides me with plenty of distractions throughout the day to keep my mind off of you…

I go through my daily routine of work and then youth groups throughout the week or hang out with friends and my youth girls…

I have incredible friends who I have such a fun time with…and most of the time I am great!

But I have a habit of keeping myself so busy…and I realized that I think I do that on purpose…to avoid the fact that you aren’t in my life right now…because after all of the craziness of the day, when I go home and lay in my bed…everything is quiet…and even though my mind is always full of thoughts about whatever the next day holds…I have nothing to distract me from the fact that I am alone.

And then I remember that I miss you.

Or times like the one where I was sitting in that hospital waiting room. One of the most exciting times of my life…and you weren’t there to share it with me…

It’s months like these that make me long for you more than any other time of the year…

Months like October. With Halloween as my favorite holiday because it means apple picking and pumpkin carving and watching scary movies and having campfires and trick or treaters…it means cool weather and warm clothes…haunted houses and haunted theme parks…

Colorful leaves and bike rides…

Then there is Thanksgiving and Christmas. Cuddling up by the fire with warm coffee and a good book…

Relaxing time with family and hectic Christmas shopping...

Rain…snow…

It’s all so enchanting and romantic…

…and it all happens without you…

But thank God for days like yesterday…

Days that come along completely unexpected and bring purpose and light into my world.

Days that wake me up and FORCE me to see that life is beautiful.

It has purpose.

It has excitement.

It has little blessings that pinch me and big blessings that smack me in the face!

Days where the most exciting things happen…

These days help give me a push that I need.

They serve as a reminder that God knows what He is doing. He IS GOOD.

And He hasn’t forgotten about me.

I know not one day goes by where He fails to give me exactly what I need for that day. He gives me plenty of joys and gifts every single day…

And I am so thankful for that. I wish I never lost sight of it.





People say that it will happen when I least expect it. That one day I will turn a corner and all of a sudden there you will be. Like you were just hanging out waiting for me…






But I wish you could have been there to see how beautiful he was. I wish I could share my excitement with you. I’m realizing that that is what it is all about: sharing in each others joys and happiness. And being able to be there for each other when there is worry or sadness or discomfort. And pushing each other and encouraging each other to be the best we can be and to not take life for granted.

It’s these moments that I love to have but don’t love to share without you…

One time I started thinking about all of the moments that you have that excite you that I don’t yet know about…but that seems to be too much some times…I want to be there with you…but I am thankful that God is so good…and that He is giving you everything you need for the time being as well.





You missed a good one yesterday. But – I know there will be others.

And even though I just want to share it all with you…

I will try to be patient…









Love you,

Love me.