Short & sweet...

There are some things that I want to say, that I probably never will...and it’s nice to have somewhere to bring those thoughts too...

So even if the intended people never hear what I want to say, at least I know that someone will and believe it or not - that does make a difference.

You know when there is that one person in your life that you want to completely confide in and spill all of your thoughts and emotions to?

You want to know everything about this person’s life and what makes them keep going day to day. You want to know how God is growing them and using them. You want to know everything they think about – and you want them to want to know all of the same things about you…

You want to make them proud for just knowing you because they have made you so incredibly proud of them.

Maybe it is a friend or a family member, or maybe someone that you love…

Whoever it is, you know each time you talk to them, they make you feel somewhat more whole. Like God placed them in your life for a reason and you know that you are so blessed to have found them. Just by thinking about being in the same room with them and seeing them puts a smile on your face.

My heart goes out to those who did have someone like this, but lost them. I completely know how you feel. And it's hard. But you can always go to God.

Nothing gives me more comfort at night when I am lying there wishing that I could talk to that person, than knowing that I can just fall asleep in the arms of Jesus and He will never leave me.

Just a few songs on tonights playlist....

Good luck keeping up...

I have so much on my mind!

I can already tell this is going to be a long one…

This might get sloppy…but that is what it is like inside of my head right now…

I also apologize upfront if this is waaay too much venting. You have to realize I sit in an office for 8 ½ hours a day holding all of these thoughts in, and with my outgoing (ADD) personality, my venting can often become extensive…or maybe “exhausting” would be a more appropriate word?

It is kind of funny…because I had this whole blog written about how antsy I am lately and how I am just starving for adventure…but something has happened since then that has made me feel like maybe I have found that adventure…perhaps…

I know what I want to do. I have known for quite some time what I want to do. And I feel that this passion inside of me is so large, that if I do not act on it immediately, I am going to go crazy…

So I know what I want. But I am afraid.

I think it is pretty safe to say that we all have fear. We all have struggles. We all have hangups. We all have things that hold us back.

And typically – I would say fear is not SO unnatural…or bad…But a few things have happened recently where I have totally realized that my fears have become so much more powerful that I could have ever imagined, and definitely have turned into some of my greatest flaws.

Allow me to be frank:

One of my greatest fears is becoming dependent on another person. Without going into too much detail – it is borderline safe to say that I know first hand what it is like to be controlled and restrained. I never want to know what that is like ever again.

I know what it is like to choose to let myself become completely and helplessly dependent on another person. I will never make that choice again.

Lately I have been keeping myself so busy that it took someone else pointing out the following to me for me to stop dead in my tracks.

I would like to think of this busyness as me being “free-spirited” and I am sure that is a lot of it…but after the following was pointed out to me…I have to question if there is not more than “free-spirit” involved.

When my car broke down last night – so did I. I completely broke down on my mom. (Most of this break down was needed…I have been trying to be strong for quite awhile now…and I have been holding things in that I am starting to think might be better if they were let out…) Anywho – I broke down on her. Telling her how I hated being dependent on people and I don’t want to have to rely on anyone else for anything, ever again.

(Sometimes this is hard for me to admit - ) My mom was my voice of reality at that moment. All she had to tell me was that I was being too prideful. Ew. Pride. What an extremely unattractive word. Just thinking about being prideful makes me want to disappear from my own skin.

But she was right.

I wanted to look at my independence as a strong thing. Like the only person I will ever need is myself.

This is such a HUGE contradiction to my beliefs.

I believe in community.

I believe in relationship.

I believe in friendship.

I believe in love.

And I DO believe in looking to others for help.

So why was I trying to disguise my insecurities about being dependent as me being “strong”?

Strength. What an attractive word. Can I please use it to define myself?

I wish.

Strength would be realizing my weaknesses and using them to help other people who are struggling with the same thing.

I didn’t even realize I was doing this…

Moving on…

I have MANY other fears.

Failure.

Why does this word scare me so much? Why do I let the fear of failure hold me back?

Am I afraid that I do not have what it takes to live out the passions and desires that Christ has placed on my heart?

Not at all. I AM afraid, though, that Christ has not provided me with enough to live out the passions and desires that He Himself has placed on my heart.

Wait, what? Yeah…that’s exactly what I said when that thought came into my mind after reading the following quote from my devotional…

“If we are honest, we will admit that we never have misgivings or doubts about ourselves, because we know exactly what we are capable or incapable of doing. But we do have misgivings about Jesus. And our pride is hurt even at the thought that He can do what we can’t. My misgivings arise from the fact that I search within to find how He will do what He says.”

That thought absolutely blew my mind.

I don’t doubt myself. I know what I can do…if I have the chance.

I doubt Christ, and I doubt whether or not He has given or will give me the chance.

Yet another realization that makes me want to hide from my skin.

I know Christ provides. It would be incredibly foolish for me to say He does not.

His beauty lies so much in the way that He just brings things together. I do have faith. I do believe. I know that Christ will lead me where I am meant to go.

God has brought me out of situations that I thought I was completely drowned it.

And God has brought me to situations and given me chances that I never thought I would have.

And sadly – it is still easy to make excuses…

It is easy to make excuses for us not serving.

“I have not believed in Your abilities, but only my own.”

So…I know what I want. And I know these passions and desires come from God. And I know when I stop holding myself back and stop being a coward – He will provide.

The other day I was talking to one of my good friends about my “wild heart” only to discover that she has a wild heart just as much as I do! I am pretty sure that is why we like each other so much =)

She was saying how she is a firm believer in everything being laid out for us – all we have to do is look to God for His timing. I was telling her how I always force things and as soon as I know what I want, I just go after it and before I know it, what I thought was so meant to be, just falls apart inside of my hands. She encouraged me that God’s timing is so much more than mine and if I just be patient and let Him work, something so much greater than I ever imagined will happen.

She may not have said it straight up – but she reminded me to just slow down.

I’m trying here. Trying to just be content with where I am. And I totally am in so many ways – but my desire for adventure is so overwhelming at times. I know life in itself is an adventure. And no matter where I am, I do find hints of it every day – especially life with Christ.

I am not typically that “grass is greener on the other side” kind of person – but I do feel like there is so much world out there that I just want to get my hands on.

Don’t get me wrong – I have said it 100xs and I will gladly say is 1,000,000xs more – I absolutely love my life and what God is doing…

But I am always wanting more lately…

More adventure.

More community.

More ways to serve.

More excitement.

More laughs.

More fun.

More quiet time with Christ.

More time by myself.

More time with friends.

More.

More.

More.

Is that wrong? I feel like being content with where you are at can go either way.

Maybe this urge is a bad thing…? Maybe I just need to slow down and take in everything around me? But I know I have been doing that. And thinking about the events of last year…slowing down too much and not doing what I want to do, just scares me…

Or maybe it is telling me that I have so much more I could be doing, that I have not gotten to yet…?

I can still hear my friend’s voice in my head: “Breathe… Breathe… Breathe…”

I know it is a process and it all is growing me so much – it just helps to write it all out and get it out of my head!

I know what I want.

I just need to take this one step at a time…

But please, can we at least get started…?

Kisses from God...

Lately I have been wanting to write about kindness.

And though I am currently in the process of a very extensive blog about the topics and questions that have been taking up rent in my mind lately, I wanted to take a break from it and write a less intimate/serious diddy.

My friend Leah has a whole blog dedicated to kindness and it has really been encouraging me a lot lately. She is such a sweet girl and God has really given her such a pure heart!

Instead of “Random acts of kindness” I always have thought of them more as “Kisses from God”.

These are the things that happen that are so unexpected and bring a smile to your face. It may be something random that a stranger does or something that a close friend does to show you that they are there for you: Anything that brings a smile to your face and reminds you that you are loved and valued as a person.

I wonder if it was decided before hand that today would be my day to receive kisses from God =)

Kiss from God number 1:

This morning I went to Starbucks to get coffee for some of my co-workers and I. I felt super bad because the piece of paper that all of our drinks were on, ended up getting lost in my Mary Poppins of a bag purse! So of course I was taking forever (this really has nothing to do with my story). So I pull up to the drive thru window and I felt so bad for the guy working there because I had finally found the paper and had to order it all at the window. Finally when I was done, the guy working let me know that the gentleman in front of me paid for part of my order! I was so surprised! What a kind thing to do!

Side note: Later my friend asked me if I paid for the person’s order behind me and regretfully, I said no…but next time, I think that would be a good idea…(Thank you Kristen!)

Kiss from God number 2:

My car died. Again. It does that a lot. Apparently it likes to be “pampered” every once in awhile, as my father puts it... Which is fine…if it didn’t cost me so much. Maybe if I start washing it more it won’t feel like it has to break down to get my attention? Anywho – so like I was saying – My car died. I was in the parking lot of my apartment and I had to pull into someone else’s parking spot. I have mistakenly parked in this person’s spot before…and I am not sure if they are very friendly because they left a note on my car telling me to not do it again…anywho – so my friend’s Josh and Jess totally helped me push my car out of that spot and back into mine (which by the way helped me see just how strong I really am not…)

Kiss from God number 3:

Then Jess offered for me to drive her car to work tomorrow! Well actually…I think Josh offered Jess’s car, apparently “What’s his is his and what’s hers is his” as Josh put it…(Jess agreed).

But seriously – I am so blessed.

(My car broke down a few months ago and my friend Beca let me borrow her car for a few days too!)

God has really blessed me – whether it be random people who put a smile on my face, or good friends who go above and beyond to be there for me.

A few weeks ago my friends Kristyna and Chris and I went to the movies and the theater was pretty full. An older lady walked in by herself and I jokingly told Chris that his mom was here and she can sit by us if he wanted…a joke to which he gave what I’m pretty sure was a pity laugh…The lady stayed at the bottom of the theater and anxiously looked for a place to sit, when some moments later her husband joined her. There were no two seats by each other in the theater so they separated to sit by themselves (the lady actually did end up sitting by Chris, which I am sure he was very excited about later because she hated the movie we were watching and kept talking through it…)

How sad would that be to go to a movie with someone and then not even get to sit by them?! So, our row of people moved down a seat so they could sit together.

The lady was so surprised that we had moved down, she even went so far as to say “There is hope in the world”. Half of the theater clapped for us because we moved down… They CLAPPED…all because we moved down ONE seat.

That was such a simple thing we did. And for some reason this lady took it to be a sign as there being “hope” in the world still. It made me wonder if she ever had kind things happen for her…(which then made me want to hear her life story of course…)

The point is – you never know who is around you, and you never know how big of a difference the littlest thing can make…

Today really was a reminder that even though life has its rough spots, there is still SO much beauty in the world!!!

And it really has me thinking…what can I do to put a smile on someone else’s face?

P.S. You should really check out Leah’s blog on Kindness: http://thelatesttrend.tumblr.com/

AAAAAAAAnd most likely a more serious of a blog to come tomorrow......

Learning to delight in sacrifice...

My devotional today talked about Paul and how he was completely dedicated to Christ.

I think I am learning what it truly means to love someone. There have been many times where I “thought” I loved people – but seeing how selfishly I have lived, I don’t have much testimony to back up my claim.

Putting others in front of yourself – does that mean you truly love them? I am not quite sure. But if you are doing it with the heart and conviction that Christ has given you, then I believe it means you truly love Christ and want what is best, not only for yourself, but those around you.

I will gladly be the first to admit that putting selfishness aside is one of the hardest things to do. It has been one of my greatest faults since I can remember and learning how to overcome it, is really one of the hardest journeys I have ever experienced.

I just have to find rest and peace in the fact that Christ knows what is best for me and if I continue to trust in Him, He will lead me where I am meant to go.

“We have no right in Christian service to be guided by our own interests and desires.” - Oswald Chambers

I can only pray that God continually makes His desires become my desires.

You know when something totally catches you off guard...

Sometimes it is completely exciting and beautiful!!

And sometimes…it is not.

I am not quite sure where I am going with this one, so bear with me.

I love my life. I am absolutely captivated by where God has brought me and the fact that I know I have so many more adventures from Him just waiting to come to me. I love my friends. I love them so much. The people who have recently come into my life, and the people who have been here since day one. Praise God for second chances…

Praise God for:

* Love

* Grace

* Purity

* Forgiveness

* Genuineness

* Hope

* Healing

* Prayer

* And second chances.

Though I do love everything about my life right now. I must admit: I have been side swiped.

I used to believe that everything happened for a reason. Then that belief turned into some things happen for a reason, and some things – just happen. And lately – I definitely feel that everything that happens can be used to serve a purpose and a reason, but maybe that is up to whoever these things are happening to?

There are many things we cannot control in life, but what we can control is how we react to those things.

I have a child inside of me. A very immature, selfish, proud child inside of me. And she scares the crap out of me. But at the same time – she protects me. She protects me in a way that I am so thankful for.

And still, at the same time – she holds me back in so many ways.

I think it is funny when people talk about teenagers and youth and say “They’re young, they don’t really know who they are yet.” I totally do see truth in this – but at the same time, do we ever really know who we are…is that something that comes with age and experience?

Sometimes I think I know who I am. And sometimes I definitely know who I want to be – but there is that child inside of me wanting to come out as well.

When I talk about being selfish – I am meaning two things: One – being selfish with my time. I am terrified of ever being held down – so I do what I want. When I want. How I want. Where I want. Two – being selfish with other people. People that I know I have hurt and that I know I do not deserve. When an uncontrollable urge to be raw and genuine with someone, suddenly arises inside of me it is hard for me to control that. But so much has happened that I have these voices inside of me telling me that It would be so selfish of me to let those words come out and say what I really want to say and how I really feel because I do not deserve to say those things and it is not my place to say them. And just like it is not my place to say them, it is not the other person’s place to really care, or have/want to respond to them.

I know I say I’m thankful for forgiveness – and to be thankful for it, obviously implies that I have known it. And I have – so much. But I know that I have hurt people in such a real way, that it is hard for me to forgive myself and accept that they have truly forgiven me.

This is a weird feeling for me to process. Not only because I can be so proud, but because I can be so selfish. There are so many times that I thought everything should always be about me – and substantial events have humbled me to the point where I feel that it is so selfish for me to think that people should even show forgiveness towards me and care to hear what I have to say.

I normally am that girl who just acts so much on emotion and right when I want to say something, I just say it – no matter what. Some times I end up regretting what I said, but sometimes I end up being thankful for saying it.

I haven’t been that girl for quite some time. This fear has overcome me so much that I have been reinforced to believe that what I have to say has no value or worth and no one cares about it, no matter how vital or insignificant those words are.

What a sad lie I have been lead to believe. What a sad lie that many people have been lead to believe.

And yet, even knowing it is sad and unfortunate…I still let myself believe it from time to time.

But after all of these random thoughts, I know that I can find comfort in Christ. I know that if I just trust God – He will continue to heal me and lead me where I need to go. He has brought me so far and done so much for me, that it would be utterly insane to not want to follow Him. I know He can be trusted with my life more than anyone else could ever be. And He wont let me break.

His love for His Children is so pure and vibrant. It is mighty and just. It holds us accountable for the things we have done, while giving us an unfathomable comfort of forgiveness and peace.

I love Christ’s love.

And I love how He has placed people in my life to demonstrate that love to me.

I just need to trust Him.