And sometimes…it is not.
I am not quite sure where I am going with this one, so bear with me.
I love my life. I am absolutely captivated by where God has brought me and the fact that I know I have so many more adventures from Him just waiting to come to me. I love my friends. I love them so much. The people who have recently come into my life, and the people who have been here since day one. Praise God for second chances…
Praise God for:
* Love
* Grace
* Purity
* Forgiveness
* Genuineness
* Hope
* Healing
* Prayer
* And second chances.
Though I do love everything about my life right now. I must admit: I have been side swiped.
I used to believe that everything happened for a reason. Then that belief turned into some things happen for a reason, and some things – just happen. And lately – I definitely feel that everything that happens can be used to serve a purpose and a reason, but maybe that is up to whoever these things are happening to?
There are many things we cannot control in life, but what we can control is how we react to those things.
I have a child inside of me. A very immature, selfish, proud child inside of me. And she scares the crap out of me. But at the same time – she protects me. She protects me in a way that I am so thankful for.
And still, at the same time – she holds me back in so many ways.
I think it is funny when people talk about teenagers and youth and say “They’re young, they don’t really know who they are yet.” I totally do see truth in this – but at the same time, do we ever really know who we are…is that something that comes with age and experience?
Sometimes I think I know who I am. And sometimes I definitely know who I want to be – but there is that child inside of me wanting to come out as well.
When I talk about being selfish – I am meaning two things: One – being selfish with my time. I am terrified of ever being held down – so I do what I want. When I want. How I want. Where I want. Two – being selfish with other people. People that I know I have hurt and that I know I do not deserve. When an uncontrollable urge to be raw and genuine with someone, suddenly arises inside of me it is hard for me to control that. But so much has happened that I have these voices inside of me telling me that It would be so selfish of me to let those words come out and say what I really want to say and how I really feel because I do not deserve to say those things and it is not my place to say them. And just like it is not my place to say them, it is not the other person’s place to really care, or have/want to respond to them.
I know I say I’m thankful for forgiveness – and to be thankful for it, obviously implies that I have known it. And I have – so much. But I know that I have hurt people in such a real way, that it is hard for me to forgive myself and accept that they have truly forgiven me.
This is a weird feeling for me to process. Not only because I can be so proud, but because I can be so selfish. There are so many times that I thought everything should always be about me – and substantial events have humbled me to the point where I feel that it is so selfish for me to think that people should even show forgiveness towards me and care to hear what I have to say.
I normally am that girl who just acts so much on emotion and right when I want to say something, I just say it – no matter what. Some times I end up regretting what I said, but sometimes I end up being thankful for saying it.
I haven’t been that girl for quite some time. This fear has overcome me so much that I have been reinforced to believe that what I have to say has no value or worth and no one cares about it, no matter how vital or insignificant those words are.
What a sad lie I have been lead to believe. What a sad lie that many people have been lead to believe.
And yet, even knowing it is sad and unfortunate…I still let myself believe it from time to time.
But after all of these random thoughts, I know that I can find comfort in Christ. I know that if I just trust God – He will continue to heal me and lead me where I need to go. He has brought me so far and done so much for me, that it would be utterly insane to not want to follow Him. I know He can be trusted with my life more than anyone else could ever be. And He wont let me break.
His love for His Children is so pure and vibrant. It is mighty and just. It holds us accountable for the things we have done, while giving us an unfathomable comfort of forgiveness and peace.
I love Christ’s love.
And I love how He has placed people in my life to demonstrate that love to me.
I just need to trust Him.
