Ready to begin again...

Alright I’ll be honest…yes: I totally stole the idea for the title for this blog from Taylor Swifts’ new song “Begin Again” and while I am on the subject…I will willingly add that I am COMPLETELY STOKED for her new cd, Red, to come out Monday…wait…tomorrow!!! I am so tempted to pre-order it…but there is just something about going to Target to pick it up in person…aaaand I am in the mood to buy some cute new leggings anyways...so it will give me more of an excuse to travel a whole hour some time in the next week…any ride-alongs welcome =]

Anywho.

Back on subject.

Beginning again…

Lately…I have needed just that.

I have been stuck.

In a mood that I do not particularly favor.

Or at least I thought I did not favor it.

But lately, I think I have.

Another word for “mood” or “attitude” is “choice”

Like………If I am in a poor mood….I am making the “choice” to be in a poor mood…

And so on and so forth…you get the drift. (I have also been pretty impatient lately…)

And lately…I have been making the choice to…just not be happy…and not heal…

I think when we are hurt…a lot of time we feel as if we have the “right” to be in a certain mood…we have the “right” to act hurt. To be sad. To cry. To completely and utterly obsess over our sorrow…(maybe that is taking it a little too far…oooor is what I am saying an actual realistic view that some have…?)

It is natural to take time to mourn when we have been hurt. In fact – it is completely healthy to do so. But I was not being healthy about it.

And thinking about it today and processing everything…I don’t think I really wanted to heal.

I’ll be honest. I just was angry. Angry at so many different things.

Myself…

People who have hurt me…

God…

I was angry, and I wanted to be.

Sometimes it is easier to just lay down on my bed and throw a fit.

Haha…just thinking about it now…I feel so childish…

But seriously…

Sometimes it is easier to just be angry. Correction…it is ALWAYS easier to be angry.

It is ALWAYS easier to just be bitter and let hurt consume you.

And for a week or two…that’s what I wanted.

Not just bitter about one little thing…a few things.

Why do we get bitter…?

I thought about it…and I thought…and I thought…

And I realized…I was bitter…for the same reason that I am every other horrible emotion…

Pride.

I know I have mentioned this before…the word “pride” is so unattractive to me.

Just thinking about someone who is prideful…………is sooooo irritating…

(Side note: This makes me think about a study we went over in one of my Psychology classes a few years ago. We thought of someone we really did not like and then we wrote down all of the characteristics of that person that made us not like them. When we were finished, we were told to compare those characteristics, to characteristics we see in ourselves…and sure enough…most of the class [including myself] found that we, ourselves, seemed to posses just about all of the “negative” characteristics we stated to dislike in this other person…pretty disturbing isn’t it…?!)

Anywho…So: pride.

I could not dislike the word and its’ negative meaning more.

But I get bitter…because of my pride. Because something has turned out to be different than what I had originally thought or hoped. And different in a negative way.

Basically…things don’t go the way I plan/hope…which leads me to being bitter.

I know this is such a shallow example of all of this…I apologize…

I am not even sure if my point is coming off clearly…

I guess…normally…I am so…optimistic about things and situations…

And for a while there…I just didn’t feel like being the “optimistic” one…I kind of just wanted to have a bad attitude.

I feel like everyone is entitled to their bad days…but I was taking it much further…

I was having a bad few months…

I guess I was thinking about what I wanted my life to look like at the moment…and I was actually looking at it…and I saw that it looked somewhat different than what I wanted…

But then came a voice of reason (a.k.a. one of my dearest childhood friends)…and she basically just gave it to me straight:

I was measuring my life’s success by the wrong standards.

I was prideful and bitter and hurt because I was measuring my life by my own standards of success. (sure there is legitimate hurt in there…but isn’t there always?)

Let’s be honest. My way of “measuring” is WORLDS different than Gods’ way.

And thank goodness.

I’m just going to be honest…my “worldly” view of success is my obtaining my Masters degree…a well paying job (in my field of interest)…a new car…my own home…extra spending money…aaaaand heck, we’ll just throw in an amazing, empathetic man with Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s face, Zack Efron’s body and Buddy the Elf’s personality!

But then when I think about it...I’ve been working towards my Masters…I used to have a very well paying full-time job (granted not in my area of interest…but a fresh-out-of-college student could never complain because of the pay), was on my way to buying a new car, had my own apartment, totally supported myself…paid all of my own bills and still had a little left over cash…

And…I just knew that that was not where God wanted me anymore…

So clearly…my measure of success is not God’s…

Not saying that God will not have all of that for me some day…hopefully what I am saying is not being taken TOO literal…

I just mean…maybe God’s view of success for me at the moment is…

Learning to just TRUST and RELY on Him and make decisions that I would not normally make or that seem crazy to me…

Maybe it is taking this time to appreciate what I do have in life…instead of being my normal self and just always wanting “more” and maybe it is living for what is “right now” instead of what “will be”…

Maybe it is not desiring a best friend for myself so much…but being a best friend to someone else…

Maybe it is forgiving that person…

Mending that broken relationship…

Who knows?!

Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and meet someone completely new and different and go on an insane adventure that I never dreamed possible! (Hey if I can dream up something amazing…imagine what God can/will think up…)

I just don’t want to ever shut myself off to new adventures…and when I am hurt…I definitely am tempted to shut myself off to new things…especially new people…

And I never want to do that…

I never want to become this bitter old miserable person that shuts everyone out just because they are afraid…

I think it just goes back to…don’t let someone who has hurt you, turn you into someone you hate…

It doesn’t only apply to saying a bitter comment in the heat of the moment…

But it applies to our actions too…which eventually…determine who we let ourselves become in life…

So…I have had my moment of weakness…and I know…I’ll have plenty more…

But for right now…I need to grow up.

I have been hurt.

So what…

It’s not about me.

It’s not about what the world says I have the “right” to do because of what has happened to me.

It’s about me being apart of something bigger.

I am not my own. And THANK GOD for that.

"These words are mine..."

I know I’ve written about “words” before…or at least…I know I devoted one whole entry just to pictures expressing how much weight words hold…

But I have been reminded these past few days just how much of an impact words can have in life.

Okay – so I lost my voice…completely…and let me just say, I have noticed how incredibly quiet the world really is without my ongoing, rambling! Haha...seriously…

I am currently back in Phoenix for the week and it really sucks because I am with my friends who I have not spent too much time with in the past few months, and I can hardly even socialize with them!!!!!! And I am meeting new people, and I am halted from being my nosey, outgoing self and learning everything about them in the first 5 seconds of meeting them because I have no voice!!! So, I just catch myself creepily staring at them with a huge, exaggerated smile, hoping they’ll magically be able to read my thoughts and just answer every question I have in my head without me having to struggle with vocalizing it!!! It is sooooo frustrating!! Haha…

But that is not the only reason I have been thinking about how much of a value words hold…

If we choose so…words can be uplifting and life changing. They can make a person’s world whole. They can save lives. They can bring healing to the most hurt and broken people.

I still remember specific words that people have spoken to me at certain times in my life.

I remember bits and pieces of sermons that have stuck out to me, which to this day, have continued to grow and encourage me.

I remember uplifting words that friends have spoken to me when I have gone through hard times.

I remember words that I hope will stick with me forever because of how comforting they continue to be.

But I also remember words I never wanted to hear.

I remember words of rejection and hurt.

I remember words that created insecurities and doubt in me.

And at times, when I allow myself, I replay certain hurtful things that certain people have said to me, over in my mind…

Not the healthiest thing to do, some would say…but in most cases when I allow myself to do this…it is because I am protecting myself…not in a crazy obsessive “I’ll use these words to block myself off from the world and push people away” sort of protecting…that wouldn’t really be me protecting myself…rather, it would be me avoiding much needed healing from things I have been hurt by…but protecting myself by using the words as a reminder of why I should or should not do something.

For example: When I was really young, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. I remember one time when I was at their house; I was painting a picture on their table and had gotten some paint on their nice white carpet. I remember my grandpa being SOOOOO furious with me that he yelled at me for a few minutes straight telling me to never paint over the carpet again and he frightened me so much that I peed myself!!! (And it was crazy because somehow my grandma knew that I had to pee so right after my grandpa got through yelling at me, my grandma told me I could go to the bathroom now...) Anywho…embarrassing? Yes! But from that day on, you can bet I never painted over their carpet again!

Haha okay…maybe that example was a liiiiiiiittle too personal…(clearly losing my voice is a dangerous thing because when I finally get ahold of some form of communication, who knows what sorts of things will come out!)

But the gist of my point definitely applies…I replayed the words of my grandfather telling me to never paint over the carpet again (and me peeing myself) and I used it to remind myself to never do it again.

I will be the first to admit that I, at times, can be a pretty insecure person. But, because I know this about myself, I have learned how crucial it is for me to explore these insecurities and locate the root of them.

But there was a time, where I would take my insecurities only for how they made me feel, and I would never take the time to maturely discover what created them. I’d just jump to putting myself into defense mode and lash out at whatever or whoever I thought made me feel insecure.

Now, for the most part, I am so aware of how other peoples words affect me, that I hope I also stay aware of how my words can affect others.

Of course, most negative words that I hear directed towards me, still create insecurities in me, but for the most part…I have learned to use these words to push me away from negative things and into positive things…

And THESE are the words that have helped mold and shape me into the person I am today.

Maybe I remember words that you, yourself have said to me…

Maybe they were negative things you said to me…

Or maybe they were encouraging things you said to me…

Either way, it is possible that you have helped mold me into who I am at this very moment…and for that…I am very thankful for whatever words you used…

But I will admit…that there are words that I have heard that have tempted me to be someone I would not be proud of.

When someone uses words to hurt me, I automatically go into defense mode. Whether or not I show it…I most likely am lashing out (in my mind) with a hurtful response…

I used to act on this “defense” and turn into a loose cannon and let whatever came to mind just come out of my mouth…

One of my favorite “go-to” movies to watch while I’m sick is You’ve Got Mail…I think it’s because in the movie, Meg Ryan gets sick and Tom Hanks brings her daisy’s and its just such a cute story…anywho…in the movie Meg Ryan’s character and Tom Hanks character are emailing back and forth and talking about lashing out at people who hurt them…Tom Hanks character is saying that he feels like he is becoming the worst version of himself because when someone offends him, he basically gives it back even worse…and their conversation always comes to mind when I think about this stuff:

MR: “What happens to me when I’m provoked is that I get tongue-tied and my mind goes blank. Then I spend all night tossing and turning trying to figure out what I should have said. What should I have said, for example, to a bottom dweller who recently belittled my existence?...”

Always having the “ideal” thing to say…sounds great right?

TH: “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could pass all my zingers to you? And then I would never behave badly and you could behave badly all the time, and we’d both be happy. But then, on the other hand, I must warn you that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you meant to say it, remorse inevitably follows.”

So true…

Where am I going with all of this…

I guess…my point is…there are many words going around in my head right now…

Words that eventually, I will want to express…and words that I hope I never allow escape my mouth…

The crazy thing about words is…you can always say more and more…but you can’t ever take any back…

So I guess…next time someone is using their words to hurt you…just stop and think before you respond…

Take a moment…or maybe even a few days…or weeks….or months…to really process your “initial” reactions and feelings…

I know it seems a little drastic…taking a few months to process initial reactions instead of acting on them…

But I believe time heals most things in life…and how we feel right now…may not necessarily be how we feel in the future…

Don’t let someone who has hurt you in one moment, turn you into someone you’ll spend hating for more than a few moments…

Recycled from a previous entry...buuut I think the below are worth posting again...

Lesson: Learning...

Todays devotional...I have so much to say about it and so much I could comment on, but as I process what it means to me...I'm finding it's probably better I keep most of it to myself for the time being...but anywho...

Enjoy:

“Jesus did not commit Himself to them . . . , for He knew what was in man" —John 2:24-25

“Disillusionment means having no more misconceptions, false impressions, and false judgments in life; it means being free from these deceptions. However, though no longer deceived, our experience of disillusionment may actually leave us cynical and overly critical in our judgment of others. But the disillusionment that comes from God brings us to the point where we see people as they really are, yet without any cynicism or any stinging and bitter criticism. Many of the things in life that inflict the greatest injury, grief, or pain, stem from the fact that we suffer from illusions. We are not true to one another as facts, seeing each other as we really are; we are only true to our misconceived ideas of one another. According to our thinking, everything is either delightful and good, or it is evil, malicious, and cowardly.

Refusing to be disillusioned is the cause of much of the suffering of human life. And this is how that suffering happens— if we love someone, but do not love God, we demand total perfection and righteousness from that person, and when we do not get it we become cruel and vindictive; yet we are demanding of a human being something which he or she cannot possibly give. There is only one Being who can completely satisfy to the absolute depth of the hurting human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. Our Lord is so obviously uncompromising with regard to every human relationship because He knows that every relationship that is not based on faithfulness to Himself will end in disaster. Our Lord trusted no one, and never placed His faith in people, yet He was never suspicious or bitter. Our Lord’s confidence in God, and in what God’s grace could do for anyone, was so perfect that He never despaired, never giving up hope for any person. If our trust is placed in human beings, we will end up despairing of everyone.”

- From Utmost.org

A reason to sing...

Somewhere along the way I have rewired myself to tear myself down because of decisions/mistakes I make.

“You’re way too hard on yourself Michal” – a statement I have gotten from several different people in the last few days.

What do you do when you have screwed up, after having so much confidence in yourself and your decisions? Especially when other people have placed confidence in you and then when you let them down by making a very poor decision? How far do you have to fall?

I am sure I have said this before – I am disgusting. I am rude, arrogant, prideful, catty, petty, dramatic, selfish, and untrustworthy.

That is my human nature.

But with Christ – I don’t have to be that way.

I started having waaaay too much faith in myself and put too much pride in my decisions and actions that I think I was definitely taking my attention away from Christ and my need of His power over me. So, God really let me humble myself by making some really dumb decisions…

My devotional the other day was perfect for me: “If I will simply hand myself over to Him, I will never have to experience the terrible possibilities that lie within my heart.”

Even though this “lesson” absolutely sucks right now, I still love it and I am so thankful for it.

But seriously – I thought I was past this stage in life…

I have made extremely selfish and immature decisions lately. I’d never deny that, but I think that I am afraid to admit it. I try so much and so hard to just be perfect. I know I never will be. But I try. But when I do this…I am not being genuine with others or myself.

And because of these decisions, lately…I am threatened with the thought that I don’t even really know who I am.

And every time I think about that and how I have screwed up in a way I never even thought possible, all that comes to my head when I say to myself “I never thought I’d be this kind of girl again…” is the following line from Juno: “I don’t know what kind of girl I am.”

Haha okay – my struggle is not the same one Juno and her father were referring to in the movie, but still – the words can apply to my feelings of my recent situation.

But I know why I am struggling so much with this and not feeling like myself…there is only one answer…

I have been putting way too much faith in myself instead of putting it in Christ. I have been placing my identity in myself and my actions and my words, instead of placing it all in God.

Seriously…another lesson I really thought I had learned such a long time ago.

I want to be strong. I want to be mature. I want to make all the right decisions and do and say all of the right things…

But unfortunately…that is not me. And as much as I try to live up to that expectation and dream, if I lead others to believe that that person really is me, when I do make a mistake, it will be me falling off of a “pedestal” and anyone who has placed me on it, will most likely have the hardest time forgiving me – if they ever do.

This perfect person who says and does all of the right things is not me; not because I am a horrible person, but because I am human. I still have struggles and hangups. And I’m still a sinner. And I always will be.

The only thing that is giving me comfort lately is knowing that no matter what, God is in control. And even though my mistakes and poor decisions at times seem like far more than I can deal with, they are not too much for my Heavenly Father to handle.

“Fill your mind with the thought that God is there. And once your mind is truly filled with that thought, when you experience difficulties it will be as easy as breathing for you to remember, ‘My heavenly Father knows all about this’…Keep the thought that the mind of God is behind all things strong and growing. Not even the smallest detail of life happens unless God’s will is behind it. Therefore, you can rest in perfect confidence in Him.”

This whole experience has humbled me so much.

There have been plenty of times this past week where I have felt like I failed.

Like I was put through a test, and the decisions I made only brought me to one big negative end that leaves other people hurt and me as the perpetrator.

But Satan knows my weaknesses. He knows that I have a tendency to be hard on myself. He knows I struggle with wanting to be perfect and when I cannot measure up to that, he knows how easily I can hate myself for making a mistake.

So why do I so often let him win?

I’m constantly brought back to something my friend told me a few years ago: “Satan can bring you down, but you have to give him the power to do so.”

I think I really give Satan power when I try to be this “perfect” person. But this thought to me is so crazy, because I do try to always be as genuine as I can be…lately though, I have realized that it is not my struggles of “imperfection” that I have a hard time admitting…but it is my struggle of desiring perfection that I hate admitting.

Why is this?

Well – probably because I know that as much as I want to be – I will never be perfect. Yet, I still have this powerful desire inside of me that yearns for this unreachable standard.

I will admit to my “ugly” sins and hangups – sure. Those are undeniable and obvious…those are…natural and a daily occurrence.

But this desire to be perfect…that is something I never want to admit.

Hopefully this is all making sense…

The bottom line is…I can try to do and say the right things all I want and put on an act to everyone around me and make them believe that I am so “perfect” but when I lead them to believe this…I will only hurt them and myself in the end because as soon as I show any sign of imperfection, it will look as if I am someone completely different than who these people “thought” I was…when really…it is still me…it is just a more “human” side of me…

“If it is only because of my preaching that people desire to be better, they will never get close to Jesus Christ. Anything that flatters me…will result in making me a traitor to Jesus.”

If people put too much faith in us – when we stumble or let them down, it will be extremely difficult for us to recover from that in their eyes because their faith has been in how “great” we are instead of how Great God is.

People always say that our “character” is in our “actions”. What we do – defines who we are. And in a sense, this does seem correct. But it hit me when I read in my devotional, “My character determines whether or not truth can be revealed to me.” We are sinners. We are arrogant, prideful, selfish beings. And we always will be. But our character of who we are lies within the truth of us knowing that about ourselves. Our actions do say a lot about us, yes, but it has been my experience that ANY human being is capable of ANY action when put in certain situations. Not fun to say, no…and yes, of course it does say a lot about us as people…but that is why we need to put our faith in Christ, instead of ourselves.

Moving on…

Another thing I struggle with – a sharp tongue.

I am very thankful to say though, that this is something that I have gotten so much better at. I have learned that if I am not careful, I can easily rip someone to shreds with my words after they have hurt me. I have had to remind myself daily that this is not the person I want to be and I never want to hurt someone with my words just because they have hurt me.

As “highschool” as Relient K may be…I find so much weight in the following words from their song “Bite My Tongue”:

“It seems I’m always closed minded with an open mouth and the worst of me just seems to come right out. I’ve never broken bones with a stone or a stick but I’ll conjure up a phrase that can cut to the quick.”

When someone who says they care for us, ends up hurting us…it’s easy to cut into them and say things that we know they are sensitive to…

So sad.

Words are so funny. You can always say more and more, but you can never take any back. So whether it be with your words or actions - Don’t let someone who has hurt you, turn you into someone you hate. “The only words you’ll regret more than the ones left unsaid, are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.”

If we really care that much about each other then why do we want to hurt each other in such personal ways…

Maybe because – we are hurt. And hurt people, hurt people.

I always want to know the reason of why things have to happen. But my devotional a few weeks ago really hit me hard:

“God is my Father, He loves me, and I will never think anything that He will forget, so why should I worry?”

We don’t need to know why things are happening to us – we always want to – of course! But our need to know why is only coming from our need to be in control of it all. If we knew why things happened the way the did, it would only tempt us to create a different outcome to our experience – one more desirable for us. But perhaps that is not the outcome that Christ has for us. The important thing is that He knows what He is doing. And He knows why He is doing it and He knows the outcome He wants us to have. He doesn’t need our help or our input on the situation, all He asks is that we trust in Him and have faith that He knows what He is doing and that no matter what, He will ALWAYS do what is best for us.

And typically – I’d want to run. Run from my mistakes and the people involved in them and everyone else who knows about them. And I would run as far away as I could get.

But that is not what I am called to do. And I am SO thankful for that. Because now that I have made a mistake – people can choose. They can choose to be disappointed and no longer be around me or they can choose to love me. They can choose to love every part of me. They can see that I am not perfect and I am so unworthy, but they can choose to see my heart and love me for every imperfection and every mistake and every humanly part inside of me that occasionally gets the best of me. Instead of having relationships built on false-pretenses that I am perfect and I have learned from every mistake that I have made and I will never hurt or disappoint; I can have relationships built on genuineness and forgiveness and grace and love. The same thing my relationship with Christ is built on.

Unfortunately, having the heart broken over and over again does not get any easier. But fortunately, seeing God’s hand in the healing process does get easier. As hard as it may be to go through painful experiences, the more you go through, the easier it is to find that God’s hand is always there and He has brought you through so much already and He will continue to bring you through everything heartbreak to come.

I have to believe more and more that everything happens for a reason. And whatever the outcome will be – I don’t need to know – all I need to know is that God is in control. And He is just continually telling me to just give it to Him. It’s that simple. Just give it to Him.

 “A spiritually vigorous saint never believes that his circumstances simply happen at random, nor does he ever thing of his life as being divided into the secular and the sacred. He sees every situation in which he finds himself as the means of obtaining a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ, and he has an attitude of unrestrained abandon and total surrender about him.”

No matter what mistakes we make in life – we will ALWAYS be children of God. And no matter how lost we may feel at times and are struggling with who we really are, God knows exactly where we are and who we are and He will always love us no matter how much we don’t seem to love ourselves at the moment.

And honestly…Thank God for the amazing support system of friends and family that He has given me. Seriously – without them and their encouragement and honesty, I would be so lost right now…

Brokenness Aside

All Sons and Daughters

Will Your grace run out if I let You down?

‘Cause all I know is how to run.

‘Cause I am a sinner, if it’s not one thing it’s another.

Caught up in words, tangled in lies.

But You are the Savior and You take brokenness aside

And make it beautiful, beautiful.

Will You call me child when I tell You lies?

‘Cause all I know is how to cry.

‘Cause I am a sinner, if it’s not one thing it’s another.

Caught up in words, tangled in lies.

But You are the Savior and You take brokenness aside

And make it beautiful, beautiful.

“God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.”

- Oswald Chambers

Reason to Sing

All Sons and Daughters

When the pieces seem too shattered, to gather off the floor

And all that seems to matter is that I don't feel you anymore

No I don't feel you anymore

I need a reason to sing

I need a reason to sing

I need to know that You're still holding

The whole world in Your hands

I need a reason to sing

When I'm overcome by fear and I hate everything I know

If this waiting lasts forever, I'm afraid I might let go

I'm afraid I might let go

I need a reason to sing

I need a reason to sing

I need to know that You're still holding

The whole world in Your hands

I need a reason to sing

Will there be a victory

Will You sing it over me now

Oh Lord

Your peace is the melody

You sing it over me now

Will there be a victory

Will You sing it over me now

Oh Lord

Your peace is the melody

Will You sing it over me now

I need a reason to sing

I need a reason to sing

I need to know that You're still holding

The whole world in Your hands

That is a reason to sing