Alright I’ll be honest…yes: I totally stole the idea for the title for
this blog from Taylor Swifts’ new song “Begin Again” and while I am on the
subject…I will willingly add that I am COMPLETELY STOKED for her new cd, Red,
to come out Monday…wait…tomorrow!!! I am so tempted to pre-order it…but there
is just something about going to Target to pick it up in person…aaaand I am in
the mood to buy some cute new leggings anyways...so it will give me more of an
excuse to travel a whole hour some time in the next week…any ride-alongs
welcome =]
Anywho.
Back on subject.
Beginning again…
Lately…I have needed just that.
I have been stuck.
In a mood that I do not particularly favor.
Or at least I thought I did not favor it.
But lately, I think I have.
Another word for “mood” or “attitude” is “choice”
Like………If I am in a poor mood….I am making the “choice” to
be in a poor mood…
And so on and so forth…you get the drift. (I have also been
pretty impatient lately…)
And lately…I have been making the choice to…just not be
happy…and not heal…
I think when we are hurt…a lot of time we feel as if we have
the “right” to be in a certain mood…we have the “right” to act hurt. To be sad.
To cry. To completely and utterly obsess over our sorrow…(maybe that is taking
it a little too far…oooor is what I am saying an actual realistic view that
some have…?)
It is natural to take time to mourn when we have been hurt.
In fact – it is completely healthy to do so. But I was not being healthy about
it.
And thinking about it today and processing everything…I
don’t think I really wanted to heal.
I’ll be honest. I just was angry. Angry at so many different
things.
Myself…
People who have hurt me…
God…
I was angry, and I wanted to be.
Sometimes it is easier to just lay down on my bed and throw
a fit.
Haha…just thinking about it now…I feel so childish…
But seriously…
Sometimes it is easier to just be angry. Correction…it is
ALWAYS easier to be angry.
It is ALWAYS easier to just be bitter and let hurt consume
you.
And for a week or two…that’s what I wanted.
Not just bitter about one little thing…a few things.
Why do we get bitter…?
I thought about it…and I thought…and I thought…
And I realized…I was bitter…for the same reason that I am
every other horrible emotion…
Pride.
I know I have mentioned this before…the word “pride” is so
unattractive to me.
Just thinking about someone who is prideful…………is sooooo
irritating…
(Side note: This makes me think about a study we went over
in one of my Psychology classes a few years ago. We thought of someone we
really did not like and then we wrote down all of the characteristics of that
person that made us not like them. When we were finished, we were told to
compare those characteristics, to characteristics we see in ourselves…and sure
enough…most of the class [including myself] found that we, ourselves, seemed to
posses just about all of the “negative” characteristics we stated to dislike in
this other person…pretty disturbing isn’t it…?!)
Anywho…So: pride.
I could not dislike the word and its’ negative meaning more.
But I get bitter…because of my pride. Because something has
turned out to be different than what I had originally thought or hoped. And
different in a negative way.
Basically…things don’t go the way I plan/hope…which leads me
to being bitter.
I know this is such a shallow example of all of this…I
apologize…
I am not even sure if my point is coming off clearly…
I guess…normally…I am so…optimistic about things and
situations…
And for a while there…I just didn’t feel like being the
“optimistic” one…I kind of just wanted to have a bad attitude.
I feel like everyone is entitled to their bad days…but I was
taking it much further…
I was having a bad few months…
I guess I was thinking about what I wanted my life to look like at the moment…and I was actually looking at it…and I saw that it looked
somewhat different than what I wanted…
But then came a voice of reason (a.k.a. one of my dearest
childhood friends)…and she basically just gave it to me straight:
I was measuring my life’s success by the wrong standards.
I was prideful and bitter and hurt because I was measuring
my life by my own standards of success. (sure there is legitimate hurt in
there…but isn’t there always?)
Let’s be honest. My way of “measuring” is WORLDS different
than Gods’ way.
And thank goodness.
I’m just going to be honest…my “worldly” view of success is
my obtaining my Masters degree…a well paying job (in my field of interest)…a
new car…my own home…extra spending money…aaaaand heck, we’ll just throw in an
amazing, empathetic man with Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s face, Zack Efron’s body and
Buddy the Elf’s personality!
But then when I think about it...I’ve been working towards
my Masters…I used to have a very well paying full-time job (granted not in my
area of interest…but a fresh-out-of-college student could never complain
because of the pay), was on my way to buying a new car, had my own apartment,
totally supported myself…paid all of my own bills and still had a little left
over cash…
And…I just knew that that was not where God wanted me
anymore…
So clearly…my measure of success is not God’s…
Not saying that God will not have all of that for me some
day…hopefully what I am saying is not being taken TOO literal…
I just mean…maybe God’s view of success for me at the moment
is…
Learning to just TRUST and RELY on Him and make decisions
that I would not normally make or that seem crazy to me…
Maybe it is taking this time to appreciate what I do have in
life…instead of being my normal self and just always wanting “more” and maybe
it is living for what is “right now” instead of what “will be”…
Maybe it is not desiring a best friend for myself so
much…but being a best friend to someone else…
Maybe it is forgiving that person…
Mending that broken relationship…
Who knows?!
Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and meet someone completely
new and different and go on an insane adventure that I never dreamed possible!
(Hey if I can dream up something amazing…imagine what God can/will think up…)
I just don’t want to ever shut myself off to new
adventures…and when I am hurt…I definitely am tempted to shut myself off to new
things…especially new people…
And I never want to do that…
I never want to become this bitter old miserable person that
shuts everyone out just because they are afraid…
I think it just goes back to…don’t let someone who has hurt
you, turn you into someone you hate…
It doesn’t only apply to saying a bitter comment in the heat
of the moment…
But it applies to our actions too…which eventually…determine
who we let ourselves become in life…
So…I have had my moment of weakness…and I know…I’ll have
plenty more…
But for right now…I need to grow up.
I have been hurt.
So what…
It’s not about me.
It’s not about what the world says I have the “right” to do
because of what has happened to me.
It’s about me being apart of something bigger.
I am not my own. And THANK GOD for that.
