I can already tell this is going to be a long one…
This might get sloppy…but that is what it is like inside of my head right now…
I also apologize upfront if this is waaay too much venting. You have to realize I sit in an office for 8 ½ hours a day holding all of these thoughts in, and with my outgoing (ADD) personality, my venting can often become extensive…or maybe “exhausting” would be a more appropriate word?
It is kind of funny…because I had this whole blog written about how antsy I am lately and how I am just starving for adventure…but something has happened since then that has made me feel like maybe I have found that adventure…perhaps…
I know what I want to do. I have known for quite some time what I want to do. And I feel that this passion inside of me is so large, that if I do not act on it immediately, I am going to go crazy…
So I know what I want. But I am afraid.
I think it is pretty safe to say that we all have fear. We all have struggles. We all have hangups. We all have things that hold us back.
And typically – I would say fear is not SO unnatural…or bad…But a few things have happened recently where I have totally realized that my fears have become so much more powerful that I could have ever imagined, and definitely have turned into some of my greatest flaws.
Allow me to be frank:
One of my greatest fears is becoming dependent on another person. Without going into too much detail – it is borderline safe to say that I know first hand what it is like to be controlled and restrained. I never want to know what that is like ever again.
I know what it is like to choose to let myself become completely and helplessly dependent on another person. I will never make that choice again.
Lately I have been keeping myself so busy that it took someone else pointing out the following to me for me to stop dead in my tracks.
I would like to think of this busyness as me being “free-spirited” and I am sure that is a lot of it…but after the following was pointed out to me…I have to question if there is not more than “free-spirit” involved.
When my car broke down last night – so did I. I completely broke down on my mom. (Most of this break down was needed…I have been trying to be strong for quite awhile now…and I have been holding things in that I am starting to think might be better if they were let out…) Anywho – I broke down on her. Telling her how I hated being dependent on people and I don’t want to have to rely on anyone else for anything, ever again.
(Sometimes this is hard for me to admit - ) My mom was my voice of reality at that moment. All she had to tell me was that I was being too prideful. Ew. Pride. What an extremely unattractive word. Just thinking about being prideful makes me want to disappear from my own skin.
But she was right.
I wanted to look at my independence as a strong thing. Like the only person I will ever need is myself.
This is such a HUGE contradiction to my beliefs.
I believe in community.
I believe in relationship.
I believe in friendship.
I believe in love.
And I DO believe in looking to others for help.
So why was I trying to disguise my insecurities about being dependent as me being “strong”?
Strength. What an attractive word. Can I please use it to define myself?
I wish.
Strength would be realizing my weaknesses and using them to help other people who are struggling with the same thing.
I didn’t even realize I was doing this…
Moving on…
I have MANY other fears.
Failure.
Why does this word scare me so much? Why do I let the fear of failure hold me back?
Am I afraid that I do not have what it takes to live out the passions and desires that Christ has placed on my heart?
Not at all. I AM afraid, though, that Christ has not provided me with enough to live out the passions and desires that He Himself has placed on my heart.
Wait, what? Yeah…that’s exactly what I said when that thought came into my mind after reading the following quote from my devotional…
“If we are honest, we will admit that we never have misgivings or doubts about ourselves, because we know exactly what we are capable or incapable of doing. But we do have misgivings about Jesus. And our pride is hurt even at the thought that He can do what we can’t. My misgivings arise from the fact that I search within to find how He will do what He says.”
That thought absolutely blew my mind.
I don’t doubt myself. I know what I can do…if I have the chance.
I doubt Christ, and I doubt whether or not He has given or will give me the chance.
Yet another realization that makes me want to hide from my skin.
I know Christ provides. It would be incredibly foolish for me to say He does not.
His beauty lies so much in the way that He just brings things together. I do have faith. I do believe. I know that Christ will lead me where I am meant to go.
God has brought me out of situations that I thought I was completely drowned it.
And God has brought me to situations and given me chances that I never thought I would have.
And sadly – it is still easy to make excuses…
It is easy to make excuses for us not serving.
“I have not believed in Your abilities, but only my own.”
So…I know what I want. And I know these passions and desires come from God. And I know when I stop holding myself back and stop being a coward – He will provide.
The other day I was talking to one of my good friends about my “wild heart” only to discover that she has a wild heart just as much as I do! I am pretty sure that is why we like each other so much =)
She was saying how she is a firm believer in everything being laid out for us – all we have to do is look to God for His timing. I was telling her how I always force things and as soon as I know what I want, I just go after it and before I know it, what I thought was so meant to be, just falls apart inside of my hands. She encouraged me that God’s timing is so much more than mine and if I just be patient and let Him work, something so much greater than I ever imagined will happen.
She may not have said it straight up – but she reminded me to just slow down.
I’m trying here. Trying to just be content with where I am. And I totally am in so many ways – but my desire for adventure is so overwhelming at times. I know life in itself is an adventure. And no matter where I am, I do find hints of it every day – especially life with Christ.
I am not typically that “grass is greener on the other side” kind of person – but I do feel like there is so much world out there that I just want to get my hands on.
Don’t get me wrong – I have said it 100xs and I will gladly say is 1,000,000xs more – I absolutely love my life and what God is doing…
But I am always wanting more lately…
More adventure.
More community.
More ways to serve.
More excitement.
More laughs.
More fun.
More quiet time with Christ.
More time by myself.
More time with friends.
More.
More.
More.
Is that wrong? I feel like being content with where you are at can go either way.
Maybe this urge is a bad thing…? Maybe I just need to slow down and take in everything around me? But I know I have been doing that. And thinking about the events of last year…slowing down too much and not doing what I want to do, just scares me…
Or maybe it is telling me that I have so much more I could be doing, that I have not gotten to yet…?
I can still hear my friend’s voice in my head: “Breathe… Breathe… Breathe…”
I know it is a process and it all is growing me so much – it just helps to write it all out and get it out of my head!
I know what I want.
I just need to take this one step at a time…
But please, can we at least get started…?
