If
you thought some of my last posts were a mess…you might not want to make an
attempt at this one…
There
are two things I am currently struggling with. And twisting them together this
way is all I can really do to get them both out at the moment... I know I’ve
already used this phrase on a past post…but seriously…this time…good luck
keeping up…
When
you're a complete goofball - How do you make people respect you and take you
seriously, without compromising yourself in the process, and staying true to
who you really are.
Because
of relationships that I have gotten myself into, I have let part of myself
accept false truths.
The
false truth that I have to be flawless for people to really love me.
I
have to be perfectly poised and conducted 24/7.
When
I make a mistake - I must be
punished for it mentally, emotionally, and even physically at times - because
it's what I deserve.
When
other people make decisions that indirectly affect things - I have to take the
punishment for that as well.
The
false truth that I can't be my crazy, goofy self and be respected at the same
time.
I
have to be flawless
The
false truth that no matter how people treat me, it's what I deserve.
I did something to deserve it.
I'll
never be good enough.
And
the false truth that I do not and will not ever deserve better.
I’ve
been realizing that because of these false truths that I accepted from others,
I have began creating more false truths for myself.
I
was so torn down that when I finally got out – I decided I was going to be
different.
I
was going to change.
I was
going to run from the person I was and the people I placed myself around and
all of the unhealthy situations I had placed myself in.
And
I was never going back.
New
false truths:
I have
to have all of the answers.
I
always have to be happy – no matter what.
I
have to be the one to make people laugh.
I
have to be carefree and lighthearted no matter what.
No
matter how I am feeling inside, I need to be the happy-go-lucky girl without a
care in the world.
I
have put up a wall. Not a wall that keeps me from loving other people.
But
a wall that keeps me from letting others love me.
And
I have learned to play it off so well…
Oh,
so well.
Isn’t
that what we all do?
We
quickly learn our weaknesses and then we spend so much time and effort into
making experts of ourselves.
We
become connoisseurs at discovering the most cunning way of hiding our faults.
The
masters of disguise.
My
wall keeps me from completely being myself.
Not
my goofy self – that is a tough one for me to hide…
But
my serious self…or rather…my hurting self.
Lately I have
been wondering if I
use my happiness to cover up things. Of course I have SO much to be happy about
and SO much to be thankful for. I could never exhaust how blessed I am.
But sometimes I
wonder if I use my happiness as a mask…as…an escape method…?
A
way to hide what is really going on in my heart.
It’s not a
completely crazy thought…
But
it was crazy to think that I myself
could be doing this.
That
is not me.
Or
is it…
I
base so much confidence in the fact that I try to be as genuine as I can be.
An
open-book.
That’s
how I would describe myself.
An
open book about my past and the things I have gone through and the mistakes I
have made.
You
ask: I answer.
I
spent so much time hiding who I really was and lying to myself and others about
anything and everything.
When
I ran from that – I swore I would never go back.
But
experiences have a funny way of catching up with you.
I
may be genuine and honest about everything I have done and gone through.
But
what about my present emotions?
What
about my present struggles?
Most
of them I am completely open about – except for one.
My
hurt.
I
cannot and will not hurt. Or at least – that’s how I portray it to others.
My
false truths have set me up to believe that no one cares about my hurts.
People
would rather me be my “care-free” self, rather than have to care about what can
really be going on with me.
They
are menial and hold no value.
Why
do we so often think better of others than we do ourselves?
If
someone were to come to me with their hurts – I would instantly direct them to
the love of Christ and the value that they have in Him.
But
for myself, yes, I know I have extreme value in Christ.
But,
why don’t I allow myself to value my hurt?
I
like to think I value my past and what has brought me to where I am.
But
anxiety pushes me to want to just “get over” the past.
But
that is not how we are created.
I
don’t think thinking about the past is a bad thing. I think what makes it bad
is how we think about the past. Do
we dwell on it?
Insecurities
of both others and myself, have lead me to believe that my past makes me a
horrible person, who deserves to be continually punished for it.
But
the goodness of Christ teaches me that, yes, I need to recognize the horrible
nature of my past, but it is not something that I need to be held down by
anymore.
When
I was discussing this all with my mom she said it simply: “Your head knows what
is best for you, now your heart just needs to realize it as well.”
Yes,
because of the grace of God, I know what is best for me. So why do I continue
to struggle with the things that are not best for me?
I have
made myself to want to be perfect.
I
thought I was strong.
I
took a 180 turn out of my bad situation and ran as fast as I could.
For what
seemed like quite awhile - I didn’t look back.
Now
the past keeps getting brought up in my mind. And it's difficult not to let it.
My
insecurities and doubts about myself are surfacing in my mind and lingering in
my thoughts. Plaguing my head with a rollercoaster-like of emotions.
Entertaining
random thoughts and questions is a very dangerous thing. How long will those
insecurities stay with me?
The
mind is an incredible thing - just how complex it is.
It's
more than common for random, spur-of-the-moment thoughts about my past to enter
my mind. Most of these should not be entertained.
Side
note:
In
my Addictions class a few years ago, we learned that, for men, looking at an
erotic image for just a few seconds
can stay fresh in their mind for over a few
years. (I don’t remember the exact numbers…but it definitely was a seconds
to years ratio)
How
sad is that.
A
few seconds. Even if it’s just a mistake, or something that was stumbled upon.
What
we let enter our minds and bodies can completely plague us.
Back
on track:
I
know this may seem completely off subject...but if this little piece of
information is in fact true...then how toxic can it be to entertain some on
those “spur-of-the-moment” thoughts…?
Perhaps
I should clarify that my struggle has nothing to do with erotic images…but it
definitely has to do with thoughts plaguing my mind. Thoughts that promptly
enter my mind and should, alike, promptly find their way out.
This
is not something I want to admit at all…
But
I really do wish it wasn’t so hard for me to admit it.
I
don’t like how it is becoming more and more difficult for me to admit it. I
don’t want to be that person that hides from these things.
I
would say it’s “funny” to talk to people about it now. People who knew me
before the “incident”. But funny is definitely not appropriate.
It
is very surreal.
And
it is very sad.
They
tell me I never looked happy.
I
never laughed.
I never
smiled.
I
looked miserable and trapped.
I
never looked to be myself.
I
was a stranger to everyone around me. And I was definitely a stranger to
myself.
And
since I am myself again…you might be able to imagine why it is so hard for me
to want to be anything but happy.
But
because of Christ – I am freed from that.
Free
to be myself.
Free
to be thankful and free to be happy.
But
also, free to be sad.
When
do we learn that it’s not okay to cry?
For
boys, I know most are taught at such a young age that “real men don’t cry”,
which is really such a sad thing.
But
when do girls learn that being emotional means you’re “crazy” and don’t deserve
respect?
All
of these are definitely false
truths.
But
when I am too “happy” I don’t feel respected by some either…
How
do you read a present situation without being bias because of past situations?
Just
like I hope for people to accept me as I am, despite their past experiences, I
also need to accept others despite my
past experiences.
Just
because one person has a poor view of me when I am myself, doesn’t mean that
everyone does.
It
is strange how our past experiences affect our present views on situations…
You
can’t pick and choose which pieces of a person you want…
So why
does it seem like some people respect me more when I am serious and quiet?
Everyone
needs an outlet. A place to go to be with something of their own.
Something
that makes them feel like…them.
I
have found that music is one of my forms of an outlet…
And
no matter how goofy and crazy I can be – I still have feelings. I still have
emotions. I
still go through difficult times. I still have days where I feel more
comfortable just being quiet and keeping to myself. And I still want to be respected.
“Crying
may look like weakness to others – but sometimes it’s all we can do in order to
get stronger.”
Psalm
55:22 – “Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow
the righteous to be shaken.”
