A few months ago when I spoke at a retreat for
teen girls, all of the workers were gathered together to pray. In the front of
the room stood a large wooden cross wrapped in chicken wire. During this prayer
time we were given a pen and piece of paper and were told to write down
something that we struggle with and stick it on the cross. It was meant to
serve as a metaphor of giving our struggles over to God.
As I sat there and prayed, I knew instantly
what I needed to hand over to Him. So I wrote it down and stuck it in near the
middle of the cross. Instead of leaving the room and going on with whatever it
was I had been working on before all of this, I sat back down in my seat with
an uneasy feeling. Something wasn’t right.
As I sat there I contemplated the thought of
being in God’s presence.
What if every time I prayed I actually
(consciously) recognized that I was in the presence of God? Would prayer be
different for me then? What would I do? How would I act? Would I be standing
up, looking at Him face to face? Would I throw my hands around His neck and cry
in His arms?
I kept thinking about it and the more I
thought about it the heavier my heart felt.
“I wouldn’t be doing any of those thing!”
I would be throwing myself at His feet. I
would be crying and begging and pleading with this Holy Being to please forgive
me and take my burdens and sins and pain away.
“You are so holy. Please – help me with this.
Make me clean, give me Your perfections. Cause me to be worthy of just thinking
about Your Name. Make me new.”
I’m not worthy enough to stand before Him or
look Him in the eyes or hug Him…I’m not even worthy to fall in His presence…
I got up from my seat and removed my paper
from the center of the cross and placed it at the very bottom, right under where
I imagined His feet would be.
I’ve been contemplating prayer a lot lately.
Not only Whom I am praying to – but who I am in prayer.
Yesterday on my way to work I had a million
thoughts running through my mind. Thoughts that have been accompanied with a
million different emotions.
There were so many things I wanted to ask God
for and pray for and so many things I wanted to share with Him and talk to Him
about…
I was in the middle of praying and a thought
interrupted what I was saying…
God already knows all of my thoughts and
desires and concerns. He knows EVERYTHING about me – even the things that I
don’t know. He knows what I hope for and what I want…but even more so – He
knows what is BEST for me. He knows what I NEED.
So I took it all to God. But instead of
specifically praying for things – I just simply prayed that God would just take
my day and fill it with whatever HE wanted.
That He would bless me with whatever He wanted
to bless me with. That He would allow anything to happen that He saw was
necessary to grow me and deepen my relationship with Him. No matter what it
was. I just wanted to know that every second of the day was known by God and
that He was in control of all of it.
I have never prayed a prayer like that
before. Of course I have prayed that His will would be done over mine – but
usually I tell Him what my will is
along with that – instead of just leaving the request at just that: “Not my
will but Yours.”
And I felt more peace throughout my entire
day than I ever have.
I knew that when my friend was going to court
for custody over her son – that the judge who “always favors the man” – was
given to them as a judge for a reason. I didn’t fear that he would be a jerk or
unkind or unfair – I just knew that God could have sent them to another judge,
but He didn’t. For a reason.
I knew that my brother being in a car
accident happened for a reason. And
not only that – but God allowed it.
When insecurities began to creep into my mind
– they were instantly chased away by the peace that God knew me. And He loves me. And I am where I am and doing what I am
doing for a reason. And that He has placed everyone in my life for a reason.
I’m not trying to bring attention to how
great I am. If I thought I was so great – I wouldn’t need prayer in the first
place. I wouldn’t need God.
I’ve just been convicted about who God is and who I am.
What if we actually believed what the Bible has to say about God – what if we
actually trusted that what He says about
Himself is true?
What if – when we prayed – we really did let go of the things dragging us down
and holding us back?
What if we came to Him – in His presence –
and believed that He really could make a
difference?
What if we actually trusted that He could take all of our mistakes and poor
choices and turn it into something beautiful and glorifying to Himself?
What if we trusted Him with every part of our
day and our lives?
And what if, when we prayed “not my will but
Yours,” we actually meant it. No matter what it meant would happen. No matter
how difficult or tragic or painful things would become. We would still rest peacefully
at night because we knew that no matter what He allows – He is in control. And
He is watching over us. Every second of the day.
