That is probably not a surprise.
But the extent to which I love coffee……is
ridiculous.
But I find that coffee really doesn’t wake me
up that much most of the time. It makes me feel better…and happier…and
nicer…but it really doesn’t help with my tiredness.
Why am I rambling on about my love for
coffee…I really don’t know. I just love it…THAT. MUCH. Haha…but really…
I do have a point somewhere in here…
I’ve had so many moments lately where I have
felt like I just woke up. Not that I was literally sleeping from the night
before…and just woke up for the day…but where I have already been up and awake
for a few hours and going about my day and then all of a sudden I’m hit with a
realization that I really don’t completely grasp what is going on in my life…or
even my day…
Maybe I have gotten too used to how good God
is to me…
These past two years have had struggles and
trials of their own…but I’ve definitely had harder times in my life…
God is good. I KNOW He is. But do I only say
He is because that’s what I am supposed to say…or because I am used to saying
it…or because I TRULY know and UNDERSTAND that HE is good. And EVERYTHING that He
does and how it is ALL good.
I want to understand the extent of just how
GOOD God TRULY IS!! And WHY He is good and I want to know EVERY SINLGE THING
that He does in my life. I never want to miss a blessing. I don’t want one gift
from Him to go unnoticed or unseen…
But not just that – I want to somehow
understand how life would be if He wasn’t
good.
That’s a scary thing to say…because I never
want to know a life without a good God…or without MY good God. But…if
everything He does is for my good…….then what would it be like if that weren’t
the case…
I guess what I am trying to say is…I just
want to understand (and never forget) just how GOOD God TRULY is.
I know I will never fully…..or ever partially understand…so it really is a
pointless desire…but…I just don’t like how I have grown comfortable with how good I really have it…not that I wish anything
bad to happen………………ugh. I’m awful at explaining things.
I just…I don’t want to treat life as
“seasons”…I don’t want to be mindlessly living from day to day only waking up
for the “good” or “fun” seasons…I want to be awake for it all. And I want to
see God in it all…and feel God in it all…
I don’t want to miss anything…
You know those events in life that give you a
sense of wakening…where you realize or you feel something that you never
realized or felt before…and from that moment on there is something in you that
feels more…knowledgeable (?) than before? Like maybe you found a piece of
something somewhere that makes you feel somewhat more complete…
I received a random text today from a
relative…she was encouraging me in what is going on in my life. And it was one
of those moments that kind of nudged me awake…
I know that I will never be exactly where I
want to be in life…I will always have more to work on and more to grow in and
more to work towards…but for the first time in my life…I feel like I am
actually on my way towards where I want to be…I kind of feel like I just woke
up and all of a sudden I am on this road to where I want to be…and everything
and everyone in my past is just that…in my past. I know that’s not at all what
happened…and everything and everyone in my past has helped grow me so much and
I am so thankful for that…but it’s strange thinking of heartache that was once
so devastating and drastic in my life and thinking at that time how I didn’t
know how I was going to get through it and wondering how long it was going to
last for…and now here I am…several years later…still going through things that
make my heart ache deeply…
Only, these things seem to be different…maybe
more real…maybe less dramatic…not worse or better…just…different…maybe because
it’s things that are more…necessary…instead of ridiculous hurt that I put on
myself…they are more things that I can’t really help…just…the natural flow of
life…
I don’t know…
Maybe it is better…
It’s just a weird feeling…not understanding
the extent of things…I am excited for what God has done and is doing and will
do…I just don’t want to miss any of it...
I want to be awake for all of it
And I want to understand all of it.
I need a really large never-ending cup of coffee......
