I write this to you now because I don’t want you to feel alone. Or
crazy. Or stupid. Or…confused. I know things have been somewhat difficult for
you lately and I want you to know that I, at times, struggle with the very same
things…and I know what you are going through.
If there's one wish I could make for you, it would be that you never
lose sight of how beautiful and precious life is. And how precious each and every
person is. How precious you are.
Don't forget how unique you are. How each part of you was hand crafted
by the Creator of the universe - even the parts you aren't particularly fond of
about yourself. He sees the beauty in you that you refuse to see each day. He
has done what He sees is good. And it IS good.
Don't compare yourself to others. Just because life seems to be so good
to someone doesn't mean their life is good. Live the life that is right
for YOU. Don't allow your mind to be deceived by what your eyes see. It will be
hard at times. When it looks like everyone else around you seems to be getting
exactly what you want. It will seem ironic how your detailed desires and dreams
will somehow turn into someone else's reality. Don’t allow yourself to think
too hard on it. Don’t allow yourself to confuse dreams with real life. Your
dreams might not end up being what you truly desire – but your real life
is what HE DESIRES FOR YOU.
Life is crazy and beautiful and unpredictable. God has created a whole world
out there for you to explore and enjoy. Take that train to Washington. Or that
Plane to Greece. Take that sailboat to the Bahamas or that cruise ship to
Alaska! Don't be afraid of doing things alone. Don't be afraid of being alone –
because you are never alone.
Now about Howie...Don't wait around for him. But don't try to
experience certain things without him either. Don't walk into situations
thinking you're going to meet him. Just walk! Or run! Anywhere and everywhere
you want to. Because the perfect man for you doesn't have to be at a school or
an event or a bar or a wedding. He doesn't have to be staying at the same hotel
or flying on the same plane. He doesn't have to go to that Christmas party or
that concert, he doesn't even have to go to church! All he has to do – is go to
God! Trust that God has him for you and that He knows what He is doing. It is good
to be excited about the things God has for us – but don’t make yourself
insecure by obsessing over it. Have faith. And let God do the rest.
It's alright to make mistakes, but don't make regrets. Save the most
intimate and deepest parts of yourself for him. Don't lead people on or toy
with them just because you are feeling insecure or unwanted or alone. Don't
forget that God loves every person the same way that He loves you. Don't be
afraid to break someone’s heart when you know they aren't for you. But don't
create unnecessary heartache and pain for yourself and others, life has enough
pain of its own and will provide times where you feel like you won't be able to
take another step or breathe another breath or cry another tear. But then
something will happen. God will give you the strength to keep walking and keep
breathing and somehow the tears will keep flowing...because if you don't keep
on keeping on, you'll suffocate. And you may not die...but you'll no longer be
alive.
“Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.”
You're going to experience some incredible things in life. You'll
probably break hearts and get your heart broken a few times. But don't allow it
to keep you from seeing how incredible life can be.
Don't be worried about moving from place to place but don't be worried
about getting tied down either.
Don't worry if you meet someone and completely bomb the conversation,
the man for you will be so driven by God that he will laugh off how
ridiculously stupid and awkward you are at times and still be compelled to
pursue a conversation with you because somehow, God will have placed something
inside of him to be aware of your awkwardness and yet drawn to it at the same
time.
I know you fight with yourself often. I know you struggle with wanting
to experience everything in life and wanting to travel and do adventurous
things and wanting to fall in love. I know you worry about what your future
holds and about what God has or doesn't have for you. I know you’re torn with
each thought you think. I know you don’t like to hear this – but you think you
know it all. You think you have it all down pat – but you know just as well as
I do that one minute you think you know just what you want and the next you
want something completely different and then the next you have no idea at all.
Just know He always has the best. Imagine the very best you can
think of – then put that idea to the side and realize that your idea of
“perfection” in no way contains or restricts God’s reality of it. He
will not be persuaded. He will not be ruled. He will not be changed. He has
what He has. And there is NONE better.
You'll be going along with your day-to-day routine and every once in
awhile something will happen that will cause your life to never be the same.
Little by little God will reveal more and more of His plan for you. And you
wont know when or how – but something will happen that you never imagined
possible. Something that will surprise every part of you. I know you’re not one
for surprises – but you will like this one. I promise. “And you’ll turn
a corner – and there he’ll be.” And God will kiss you with one of the purest of
gifts.
Don’t worry about the things that you have done. Your mistakes are miles
behind you and yet they are only second in front of you. You will never be
perfect. As long as you can grasp that concept right now – you will be just
fine.
You will stop being so hard on yourself.
And stop being so hard on others.
You will see people as people and God as God – and each will be in their
rightful place.
Your sins don’t make you unsaveable. And your past doesn’t make you
impossible.
Your repentance makes you redeemable – and Christ makes you reachable.
Don’t be afraid of Gods love.
I know you push so many away because you’re afraid – But the sweet
reality of Christ is: He doesn't free us from our sinful bondages just to place
us in chains of His own. Falling into the confinement of His arms is the most
freedom we will ever experience.
You have come so far and I am so proud of you. I would say that you are
stronger than you will ever realize…but if you are going to make it through
this then you need to realize just how strong you are. You need to know
what you are capable of – maybe you don’t need to know now – but you need to believe
that you can do anything. Don’t focus so much on the process – don’t
even focus on the end goal – just focus on the here and now and what you can do
in this moment.
I know you miss him. My heart aches for you. He was your best friend – I
completely understand that – I wish I could explain to you how I do – please
just know that you are not alone. You did the right thing. “If you love
someone, you’ll let them go…” that’s just what you did. I know in the midst of
the pain and hurt and heartache and fire of it all – it seemed as it you didn’t
care. You have no space for guilt. And you have no reason for it. You loved
him. And you showed him the only way you could – you let him go. Because you
knew it was right. And best. And some day – he will be so thankful that you had
the strength to do it. You will be thankful too. There will be times that are
harder than others – and you’ll hurt for him more than you realized you
might…but hurting over a lost relationship is just part of life. You loved him.
You shared an amazing friendship with him – it is GOOD for you to hurt over
that loss. Let it lead you.
I know you wonder if he will ever be in your life again – I don’t have
an answer for you. I wish I could tell you just how this was going to play out
– but no one on earth can do that for you. For now – all you need to know is
you did what you knew was right. Just let God take care of the rest. Recognize
that the right thing will always be the best thing. And you are
in a better place because you have chosen that way. No matter where you go from
here – no matter what life brings you – sunshine or heartache – you will be
where you are meant to be – because you have listened to God and have
done what He has told you to do. It doesn’t mean it’s easier – in many ways –
it will make the struggle more real – but it is growing you. I promise you.
With each move you make – you are growing.
You’ll find that in those moments when the right thing seems like the
most unappealing option – those moments when the wrong thing would take so much
less effort and would be oh so easy to do – those are the moments you need to
use your head and stay on the path. Those are the moments that when you choose
the right way – something will unlock inside of you – and new revelations that
you never saw coming will be revealed to you. Just keep moving forward.
You’re holding onto some hurts that only you can let go of. I
know there are hurts in your life coming from situations you had no control
over. But you have control now. You have power now. Every time
you hear or see or think about it – a nerve is struck in you – but you have
to let that go. You will be stuck forever – unable to grow in that area if
you don’t release it. You have gone through some pretty rough things…but I know
this hits the closest home for you…if I’m honest – I’d say – this something you
will probably never forget. It’s almost like one of those scenes from a
dramatic movie…a storyline that you would never think could be your own…and yet
– you woke up one day and found one of your worst nightmares could be the thing
that wake you up in the morning. That is a scene you may never be able to erase
from your head. I don’t have any other answer for you other than: pray.
Pray for healing for everyone involved. Pray for forgiveness and grace and
peace and comfort. This is one of those times where I know holding onto the
anger would seem to serve as a protection and shelter – but I promise – it will
only tear you apart more. It will eat away at you until things become
irreconcilable. It will destroy you.
I love you Jesse. More than you can understand. I love watching you grow
and seeing the person you are becoming.
I wish you could see what I see.
I wish you could see what He sees.
God is truly doing incredible things in your life. You should be excited
and thankful and realize how blessed you are!!!
Look at your life now and at what God has given you and be honest –
where can you say He has not been faithful?
All He does is good.
Hold onto that.
Hold onto Him.
I know how much this means to you – for once – take it for yourself:
If you could soldier on
Headstrong into the storm
I’ll be here waiting on the other side
Don’t look back
The road is long
The first days of the war are gone
Take back your former throne and turn the tide
Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You’ll never make it to the great unknown till you
Keep your eyes open, my love
So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love
Just past the circumstance
The first light, a second chance
No child could ever dance the way you do, oh
Tear down the prison walls
Don’t start the curtain call
Your chains will never fall until you do
Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You’ll never make it to the great unknown till you
Keep your eyes open, my love
So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I’ll never let you fall apart if you
Keep your eyes open, my love
Open up
Open up
Open up your eyes
The weight is unbroken
Open up
Open up
Open up your eyes
Keep your eyes open
Don’t let the night become the day
Don’t take the darkness to the grave
I know pain is just a place
The will has been broken
Don’t let the fear become the hate
Don’t take the sadness to the grave
I know the fight is on the way
When the sides have been chosen
Cause if you never leave home, never let go
You’ll never make it to the great unknown
Open up your eyes
Keep your eyes open
So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love
So show me your fire, show me your heart
You know I’ll never let you fall apart if you
Keep your eyes open, my love
