I have this vision of this amazing woman I want to be.
She is kind and patient and strong and wise. She knows
when to speak up and when to listen. She is brave and fearless and sees no
limits to what she can be. She is confident. She knows who she is and that she
is loved. She loves everyone – not because of what they can do for her – but
because God loves her and overflowing that love to others is natural to her.
She knows what she wants and she goes for it.
She is genuine.
She is pure.
She is righteous.
Sometimes she feels like she is so far from my reach…
But really – she is already inside of me.
She’s just in a constant state of battle.
She is a masterpiece
in God’s story.
It is crazy how much our perception and thoughts affect
the way we live…
When we don’t see ourselves for how God sees us – we
digress in our stories.
Last year (2014) was probably my favorite year I’ve
lived so far.
Not because I had any crazy adventures or went anywhere
cool. Not because I met an amazing guy and fell in love. Not because I came
into any lumps of cash. Not because I lost 30 lbs and went without sugar and
carbs for the year…(are you getting that none of these things actually
happened?...)
But because – no matter what I went through or what
happened – I trusted God. I trusted
that He knew me and what was best for me and He knew what He was doing. I
trusted that He had me in His hands and no matter what came my way – He went
before me and He was going to use it to somehow make me trust Him more.
It was probably the most difficult year too. I was more
insecure than I had ever been and I felt like I was on a roller coaster of
emotions most of the year. I doubted – but I put reasons to my doubts and I
grew from them. I struggled with who I was and how others saw me and what I
wanted. But I trusted God all through it.
2014
was a good year…
But I’m not in 2014 anymore. I keep trying to make my
way back there – but I can’t.
I’m not meant to.
God gave me a great gift in 2014. But He has other gifts
He’s waiting to give me. Better gifts.
But I keep fighting Him. I keep trying to live off of
the scraps of the past. And because I want to go where I was and not allow Him
to take me where He wants to – I am not just staying still – but I am going backwards. I am focusing on the
past and what I had and where I was. So slowly by slowly I am preventing myself
from going forward and my mental state is moving backwards because I get
frustrated that I’m not back there.
I always feel torn on how I feel about New Years
resolutions. I know they are such a hyped idea and often fall flat after a few
weeks – but in reality – they are goals. And if we look at them as real and
attainable and reachable – they can change from goals to realities.
My goal is to no longer long for the past or to even
focus on the past – but to live in the present and realize that who I am not
and what is going on now – is from God.
I don’t want to focus on the good or bad of the past. Because just like the negative parts of my past
can keep me from moving forward – so can the good.
I am free from every
part of my past.
And I want to live in that freedom.
No matter what is going on in the life around me…I want
to be who I want to be now. The
person that I want to be and most desire to be – that person is already in me.
I just have to make the choice to be her. Each day. I have to wake up knowing I am her.
I have to think and talk and act like I am her.
I have to take my eyes off of the world around me and
keep my eyes on my Creator – the One who knows the real me. And only listen to
what He is telling me each day.
I have to let go of my past – the good and the bad – and
look to God for what He is trying to teach me right now. I can’t allow myself
to be stuck anymore. I have to live in the freedom that Christ gives me.
I have to fight whatever struggle I am going through or
whatever urge I have to digress so when I go out into the world, I will be
confident in who He says I am and where He has me.
I am kind and patient and strong and wise. I know when
to speak up and when to listen. I am brave and fearless. I see no limits to
what I can be. I am confident. I know who I am.
I know that I am loved and I love everyone – not because
of what they can do for me – but because God loves me and overflowing that love
to others is only natural.
I know what I want and I go for it.
I am genuine.
I am pure.
I am righteous.
I am a masterpiece
in God’s story.
