I got home around 11:30 last night, picked up
my computer and laid in my bed.
Planning on writing a blog post about
something completely different.
But for some reason you came into my mind.
I honestly can’t say I’m surprised.
Lately I have been thinking about what I
truly want in life. And pieces of your character keep popping into my mind.
It’s been awhile since we have really talked – a little over a year,
actually.
I thought about reaching out to you a little
over a week ago – the last time we spoke, things ended roughly. And the last
thing you said to me proved that my actions cut you deeply.
I don’t think you’re immature or petty for
being so hurt over it all. Though I wish you would have extended more grace to
me – because I was only doing what I felt right. But I still empathize with and
understand your anger.
So it feels wrong to think that merely
texting you would be enough.
I know what it’s like to receive a “simple”
text from someone, explaining how “sorry” they are, and dismissing it as a
half-minded, effortless action. Texting is just simply not enough. Anyone can
send a text. You deserve much more.
And that is exactly what stopped me from
reaching out to you – in any form – You deserve much more.
Over the years, you have known exactly where
your feelings have stood with me. But I have not ever understood the level of
my feelings for you – and you deserve
much more.
But even though I have been confused at times
– I have always known that you are my good
friend – and you deserve much more.
I have had my emotions messed with and my
heart taken for granted before (just recently in fact) – and you deserve much more.
You were there for me through two of the
craziest times in my life. You always seem to understand everything I was going
through and extend comfort and healing words in a way that few other people
have exhibited to me. But I’m not sure I was ever there for you exactly the way
you were for me – and you deserve SO much more.
You know how they say if you love someone let
them go? I am not sure if that is what’s going on here – I know I love you as a
best friend. You were there with me for so long – through so many different
things. If I were in love with you –
I would have never let you go – I would have done anything to be with you. And
I would be doing everything I could, at this very moment, to reach out to you
and fight for you. I would never let my efforts for you to be mistaken as half-assed, second-thought attempts. But because I’m not in love with you – I knew I needed to
let you go. Because that’s what you deserve. You don’t deserve to just be “the
best friend” or the “brother figure”. You deserve much more.
So please understand – though it may make no
difference now – understand that I DO care about you. I always have. And I miss
you so much. But I see that you are genuinely happy. And that is exactly what you deserve.
It is strange how you were once such a major
part of my life, and now, I barely know you. It’s kind of strange, in a way,
going through things and not having you there to talk to about it. I can’t meet
one person and keep from telling them about you. I tell them about how you were
my best friend and you were there for me through everything. I tell them about
how you allowed me to be 100% myself and took me just as I was. I tell them
about how you accepted me back into your life after my abusive relationship,
and you stood there with me and had patience when I was still dealing with the
effects of it all. You showed me a love that could have only come from the
strength of God. You listened to me cry. You had grace when I misinterpreted
your instructions as being controlling, when you were only trying to give
friendly advice. Lunch dates with you were some of my favorite. The way we
could just be idiots and laugh uncontrollably while the world just looked at us
like we were insane. I know there were times that I made you so angry. And you
weren’t always the easiest person either. But that’s what I loved. I could yell
at you and tell you how annoying and insane you were being and you could do the
same to me…we could be honest about how we were feeling towards each other.
Just like best friends should be able to. Then five minutes later we could be
watching the next episode of Are You Afraid of The Dark and making fun of the
actors like we were apart of Mystery Science Theater.
If I could tell you one last thing, it would
be that I am genuinely so happy for you. I have never seen you this happy. And
it is incredible. You truly deserve the best. A few nights ago I prayed for you
and thanked God that He brought someone into your life that could give you just
what you deserve. Seeing you so full of joy, literally, brings so much joy to
me.
And that’s how I know that I genuinely love
you.
And that’s why I just can’t allow myself to
reach out to you.
Because you finally have what you deserve.
I know that our friendship was a season in my
life. You have been a gift from God. You have taught me so much and helped me
to grow in so many ways. You kept pushing me to be better and to overcome my
struggles. I miss your encouragement so
much. But I know I cant allow my selfishness of wanting my “good friend”
back, to throw even the slightest wedge in what you have now. Not saying you
miss me any…but I respect you and what you have now way too much to ever try to
disturb it.
But…at the risk of sounding like a cheesy
Taylor Swift song – every time I think about you and don’t reach out to you, I
almost do.
Thank you for always being the best of friend
to me. Thank you for showing me that there are people who can love me just as I
am. Thank you for showing me that I should never settle for less than what God
has for me in life…
Because I deserve SO much more.
