a disturbed heart

It seems like I have been in my car a lot lately.

I went to Phoenix a few weekends ago and decided that instead of listening to Justin Biebers new cd on repeat…I was going to actually do something productive with my 7 hour drive and listen to podcasts!

(Actually…I first tried to listen to Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone on Audible…but it is just as boring listening to that book, as it is trying to read it! I mean – I LOVE the Harry Potter movies. They are some of my favorites…but I just can’t get through the first book…………….it’s soooo boring...so I thought I would try listening to it while I had the time in the car…but it was awful. Don’t worry though – I decided to start with the third book [since that’s the movie where I start getting really into the story] and I like it much better! So I will read the first two books once I read the last five =] okay…..this is the longest subsentence ever…….I think I just made that word up….)

Anywho…so I decided to listen to podcasts from Willow Creek Community Church. Willow Creek is located in Chicago. I first learned about it last year when I went to a satellite showing of the Global Leadership Summit. The Summit is hosted at Willow Creek by Bill Hybels, the Senior Pastor at the church.

Bill, along with another Pastor at the church, Steve Carter, did a five-week series called “Disturbing Grace”.

Steve opened the series with this gut-wrenching piece of truth:

“God’s grace is disturbing. It’s compelling and expansive. It provokes, unrattles and unnerves. It demands that you see God and yourself and others in an entirely new redemptive light.”

When I first heard this – I had to rewind it a few times to completely gather what he was saying.

God’s grace is disturbing.

God’s grace is compelling.

God’s grace is expansive.

God’s grace provokes.

God’s grace unrattles.

God’s grace unnerves.

God’s grace demands that you see God in an entirely new redemptive light.

God’s grace demands and you see yourself in an entirely new redemptive light.

God’s grace demands that you see others in an entirely new redemptive light.

Have you ever been hurt?

I mean – truly hurt…

By someone whom you placed your complete confidence in and thought you could trust 100%?

Someone who, when they hurt and betrayed you, caught you completely off guard? You never saw it coming. Maybe you saw tiny red flags…but nothing that would have given you any indication that they would hurt go to such extremes to hurt you…

Or maybe you saw bigger red flags…red flags that you knew you shouldn’t have ignored…but you did…because you cared about the person – and/or because you wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt…you want to believe in them and trust them.

Maybe if was a family member or a best friend. Or maybe it was a co-worker. Or a boyfriend or girlfriend…

No matter who it was – they hurt you.

But you don’t want to be bitter. Because you know, that if life has taught you anything, it is that being bitter IS NOT being better.

So you want to extend grace.

But you are having somewhat of a difficult time trying to figure out exactly what that means…

Here’s what I can tell you…

We think people hurt us.

We think that the pain and the betrayal that we experience from certain people is an end-all.

And we think that because we have been hurt, we have a right to make it known.

For some reason, we gain this sense of entitlement. We think that, because we have been hurt, we reserve the right to not forgive. Or we think that we reserve the right to have the upper hand.

“I know you said you’re sorry, but I don’t have to forgive you because I was genuinely hurt in it all and I don’t trust you or anything you say anymore, including when you apologize.”

The idea of forgiveness sounds appealing to us – but the reality of it sounds like a lot of hard work and the loss of our much-treasured entitlement.

We don’t get it at all. Our self-centeredness has completely blinded us.

We don’t get that we have a Creator. A perfect, just, merciful, loving, Creator.

We don’t get that this Creator…created us. He knows everything about us. He knows every single sin. Every single lie. Every single cheat. Every single impure thought. Every single ounce of hatred or bitterness that we harbor.

Not only does He know our past sins. He knows our present and future sins as well.

But because He is our creator and we are His children – He has given us the most precious thing of all – His Son. And with that, His grace and forgiveness.

I know I have talked about this so many times before…but it is TOO GREAT to NOT talk about over and over and over and over and over again! I wish this truth were the ONLY thing I talked about. I wish I never lost sight of or forgot it.

God is perfect. He will never maliciously hurt us. Yet, we wake up every morning already drowning in the sins of our day. Already betraying Him. Whether intentional or not – we constantly betray Him.

Yet He forgives.

His grace is disturbing.

And it should utterly wreck us.

So, we think people hurt us and betray us – and of course – to an extent, they do…but what are another’s sins towards us when we compare it to our sins towards such a perfect and holy God?

Nothing.

I don’t care what hurt someone has cause us. When we see ourselves as God see’s us – our response is to run and hide out of shame and embarrassment.

And if we allow bitterness and resentment to overcome us, keeping us from forgiving and extending grace towards others, then we should really run and hide out of shame and embarrassment.

I can’t help but think of Matthew 18 when Christ talks about the parable of the unmerciful servant…

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, cancelled the debt and let him go.

But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I cancelled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.

You’ve heard the saying: “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.”

We can’t fool God.

And once we understand this reality…I don’t think it’s possible to have bitterness.

I don’t think it’s possible to not forgive someone.

I’m not saying that when do forgive someone that we should automatically trust them again – heck no!

“God wants us to reconcile but not go back.”

I would never agree with someone going back to a person/relationship that has hurt them (all depending on the type of relationship and the extent of the wrong-doing of course – there definitely can be plenty of exceptions)

What I am saying is that life – is life. It can be really rough sometimes and people can be cruel. But no matter what happens – we are not meant to live in our bitterness and hatred. We are meant to blossom and grow and live.

We can’t be the person that God has called us to be if we are ruled by hurt. We need to ask God to help us to truly forgive others the way that He has forgiven us.

No dwelling over past situations – no harboring hints of anger – no bringing it up again. We need to forgive.

We need to have the forgiveness and grace that causes the world to think there is something wrong with us because we so freely extend it.

God’s grace is disturbing and our grace should be disturbing too.

This song has been a favorite of mine lately…

Heaven knows I’m a broken man

These tired bones they can barely stand

The ways of the world oh I lay in my grave

To the darkest of nights when You call my name

Your love Your love oh it set me free

Oh no guilt no shame got a hold on me

Your love Your love well it opened my eyes

I was a dead man walking till You gave me life

Grace it comes with a price I’m told

Took the light of the world just to save my soul

But in the valley of the shadow of the cross you’ll find

Oh no brokenness when I come alive

Your love broke the chain

And I’m free from the guilt and shame

Love opened my eyes

Oh Your love Your love it set me free

Oh no guilt no shame got a hold on me

Your love Your love well it opened my eyes

I was a dead man walking till Lord

I was a dead man walking till Lord

I was a dead man walking till Lord

You gave me life

“Dead Man Walking”

-       John Tibbs

If, by chance, this could be enough…

I got home around 11:30 last night, picked up my computer and laid in my bed.

Planning on writing a blog post about something completely different.

But for some reason you came into my mind.

I honestly can’t say I’m surprised.

Lately I have been thinking about what I truly want in life. And pieces of your character keep popping into my mind.

It’s been awhile since we have really talked – a little over a year, actually.

I thought about reaching out to you a little over a week ago – the last time we spoke, things ended roughly. And the last thing you said to me proved that my actions cut you deeply.

I don’t think you’re immature or petty for being so hurt over it all. Though I wish you would have extended more grace to me – because I was only doing what I felt right. But I still empathize with and understand your anger.

So it feels wrong to think that merely texting you would be enough.

I know what it’s like to receive a “simple” text from someone, explaining how “sorry” they are, and dismissing it as a half-minded, effortless action. Texting is just simply not enough. Anyone can send a text. You deserve much more.

And that is exactly what stopped me from reaching out to you – in any form – You deserve much more.

Over the years, you have known exactly where your feelings have stood with me. But I have not ever understood the level of my feelings for you – and you deserve much more.

But even though I have been confused at times – I have always known that you are my good friend – and you deserve much more.

I have had my emotions messed with and my heart taken for granted before (just recently in fact) – and you deserve much more.

You were there for me through two of the craziest times in my life. You always seem to understand everything I was going through and extend comfort and healing words in a way that few other people have exhibited to me. But I’m not sure I was ever there for you exactly the way you were for me – and you deserve SO much more.

You know how they say if you love someone let them go? I am not sure if that is what’s going on here – I know I love you as a best friend. You were there with me for so long – through so many different things. If I were in love with you – I would have never let you go – I would have done anything to be with you. And I would be doing everything I could, at this very moment, to reach out to you and fight for you. I would never let my efforts for you to be mistaken as half-assed, second-thought attempts. But because I’m not in love with you – I knew I needed to let you go. Because that’s what you deserve. You don’t deserve to just be “the best friend” or the “brother figure”. You deserve much more.

So please understand – though it may make no difference now – understand that I DO care about you. I always have. And I miss you so much. But I see that you are genuinely happy. And that is exactly what you deserve.

It is strange how you were once such a major part of my life, and now, I barely know you. It’s kind of strange, in a way, going through things and not having you there to talk to about it. I can’t meet one person and keep from telling them about you. I tell them about how you were my best friend and you were there for me through everything. I tell them about how you allowed me to be 100% myself and took me just as I was. I tell them about how you accepted me back into your life after my abusive relationship, and you stood there with me and had patience when I was still dealing with the effects of it all. You showed me a love that could have only come from the strength of God. You listened to me cry. You had grace when I misinterpreted your instructions as being controlling, when you were only trying to give friendly advice. Lunch dates with you were some of my favorite. The way we could just be idiots and laugh uncontrollably while the world just looked at us like we were insane. I know there were times that I made you so angry. And you weren’t always the easiest person either. But that’s what I loved. I could yell at you and tell you how annoying and insane you were being and you could do the same to me…we could be honest about how we were feeling towards each other. Just like best friends should be able to. Then five minutes later we could be watching the next episode of Are You Afraid of The Dark and making fun of the actors like we were apart of Mystery Science Theater.

If I could tell you one last thing, it would be that I am genuinely so happy for you. I have never seen you this happy. And it is incredible. You truly deserve the best. A few nights ago I prayed for you and thanked God that He brought someone into your life that could give you just what you deserve. Seeing you so full of joy, literally, brings so much joy to me.

And that’s how I know that I genuinely love you.

And that’s why I just can’t allow myself to reach out to you.

Because you finally have what you deserve.

I know that our friendship was a season in my life. You have been a gift from God. You have taught me so much and helped me to grow in so many ways. You kept pushing me to be better and to overcome my struggles. I miss your encouragement so much. But I know I cant allow my selfishness of wanting my “good friend” back, to throw even the slightest wedge in what you have now. Not saying you miss me any…but I respect you and what you have now way too much to ever try to disturb it.

But…at the risk of sounding like a cheesy Taylor Swift song – every time I think about you and don’t reach out to you, I almost do.

Thank you for always being the best of friend to me. Thank you for showing me that there are people who can love me just as I am. Thank you for showing me that I should never settle for less than what God has for me in life…

Because I deserve SO much more.

sweet child(ren) of mine

I know a girl named Jane. Jane is in high school and every day she writes poems. She gives me these poems to read and asks me what I think about them. I (kind of) joke around with her and tell her how depressing they are and how she should write something happy for once. She may think that her miniature poems are as arduous as riddles to me, but I’m not blind to the fact that these “riddles” are windows to Jane’s soul. These riddles scream out the hurt she has gone through and the pain she harbors. These riddles are more than words on a paper – they are an outlet of her confusion and anger. Jane, along with her brothers and sisters, was taken away from her mother and father at a young age because of the mother and fathers’ inability to lead healthy lives. Jane smiles and laughs and seems secure and confident. But it’s all a mask.

I also know a girl named Shiloh. ALL Shiloh does is laugh. Her smile and giggle could bring joy to even the grumpiest of critics. Shiloh is VERY outgoing and friendly – maybe too outgoing for her age. Shiloh is in junior high and was taken from her mother (who gave birth to Shiloh when she was just 14 years old) at a very young age. Shiloh’s mother is an addict and has no contact with her daughter. Because she was abandoned at such a young age, Shiloh now has severe trust issues. She is codependent and looks for acceptance in ALL the wrong places.

Dylan is also in junior high. His parents are divorced. His mom is a drug addict and his father is homeless. Dylan was given his fathers old guitar and was so proud of it that he refused to accept a brand new case for it, and instead wanted keep the old ripped case that he had to tie together with a shoe string, because it was the one his father gave him.

Justin and David are brothers. Even though they are in junior high, they know things well beyond their years. They repeat things that they could have only learned at home. Discipline and respect are a HUGE issue with Justin and David. While displaying “tough love” to them one day, a co-worker and I had our assumptions reaffirmed: instead of being spoken to like human beings with worth, the two boys are constantly yelled at and talked to in degrading manners. Leaving them feeling that they are something far from the truth: worthless and unlovable.

What can be difficult to remember most of the time is – that these kids are in my life because they have a difficult time dealing with their own life. They are looking for a form of escape and a safe haven – something that I and my co-workers are able to provide for them.

I could go on and on about others like Jane and Shiloh and Dylan and Justin and David…because even though Jane and Shiloh and Dylan and Justin and David may not be real names, Jane and Shiloh and Dylan and Justin and David are real kids whom I happen to have contact with, along with many others like them, every week day.

It is obvious to say that these kids need a Savior. But it might be less obvious to say that, each day, these kids save me, in a way that I continually over-look, dismiss and ignore.

They save me from believing that life is all about me.

They save me from living in my own world, with my own problems, and my own hurt. They pull me out of my selfishness and give me life. Because each day – these kids live.

They choose to keep going – fighting through whatever life throws their way.

And I see them fall and get back up again. I see them learn and grow.

I see them take the poor cards they have been dealt in life and try to make the best of all that they cannot control.

I see these kids dream real dreams. And cry real tears.

I see them have more strength than I could ever imagine.

These kids didn’t choose to be born into the lives they were given – but each day they choose to not be overcome by it.