I never want to be more in love with my ideas
and fantasies than I am with the people and things which God has placed around
me. And I never want to be more in love with the people and things which God
has placed around me than I am with God Himself.
Thus brings me to my desire for an undivided heart.
I cling hard to what I find comforting. It
has taken me a long time to be able to admit that.
And for the past few years…I think I have
found comfort in living in a box.
I’ll try to explain –
No – I haven’t actually been living in a box.
But I have been very cautious with where I have gone and who I have allowed
myself to be around and the situations I have allowed myself to be in. Not
because I have any sort of strength inside of me…in fact – my box has been
built from boards and nails of weakness and fear.
I desire to live a life of accountability and
above reproach…or so I say I do…I think, mostly, I am just afraid of ever
messing up…
Yesterday I was talking to my mentor and
described a situation that has recently come up. I told her all of my feelings
on the situation (or as much as I know of my feelings on it) and asked her what
she thought – “God doesn’t call us to live in a box Michal.”
She wasn’t telling me to go out an wreak havoc
on the world…at least…I don’t think she was…the conversation would have taken a
little bit of an interesting turn if that’s what she had been saying…She was just
simply saying that I can’t hide myself away forever.
But what if it’s easier to live in a box?
What if I have grown to be comfortable in that box? What if my box has a soft
fluffy pillow and squishy walls?
…I sound insane…
But really, OF COURSE it’s easier to live in
a box…as long as it’s a comfortable one…which mine is…most of the time…
It’s not that I don’t want to let anyone in –
I just don’t want to let the wrong anyone
in.
I know the saying “guard your heart” is such
a cheesy Christian line – but it’s so true. With all of our relationships!
But perhaps maybe we should try to look at it
as just being cautious…
But I always feel like I am playing
tug-of-war with myself.
You know that saying “give an inch and
they’ll take a mile”?
Story. Of. My. Life.
But if I stay cooped up for too long in this
box…I’m afraid I’ll start to have a difficult time breathing…
I know we are not meant to live a life of
fear. And I don’t want to (are you noticing a theme in my posts….?)
I should write a book:
My name is Michal, and these are my struggles: anything and
everything dealing with fear.
Blah blah blah fear.
Never an end.
So interesting…
I know…I should give myself credit for
actually recognizing and being aware of my struggles.
Right?
It just goes along with what I was saying in
my previous post about having a conduit heart…allowing God’s love to flow
through me and out to those around me…
I am just such an extreme person that it’s
difficult for me to find a healthy balance in things. I’m either all out or all
in…no half-assin’ it for me…
What was my original intent of this post??
Having an undivided heart.
I’m afraid of desiring things that God does
not have for me. Not because I’ve never done that before…but because for most
of my life…that is much of what I have known. Until these past few years where
I have stopped allowing myself to desire
at all. I mean – of course I still have desires!
That’s a silly thing to say…what I mean is – I haven’t allowed myself to desire
things that might leave my heart broken. And I want it to stay that way.
The dangers of having a divided heart are
spread all throughout the Bible…men built to live their life for God and yet
their heart’s selfish desires steal their affections away from their purpose.
I want my heart to just be solely focused on
Christ and what HE wants for me.
I want a pure heart.
An undivided
heart.
An undivided heart that is NOT cooped up in a
box!
No matter how comfortable it may be...
