The Greatest Pinky Swear.

Something that I struggle with CONSTANTLY in my walk with God is the fear that I am not being genuine.

I can pray day and night that Christ makes me a light for Him and that others unavoidably see Him when they look at me – but why do I want that?

What is the REAL reason I want to be a light for God?

Is it because I TRULY love HIM and ONLY HIM and I want to just live my life as much like Him as possible?

If this is what it is…then why do I care how OTHERS see me when they look at me?

This isn’t just a daily struggle for me – it is a moment-by-moment, constant battle for me.

Just when I think I am pure of heart…- As I was writing in my journal tonight…there it was again:

“Please God - Just help me to be genuine in everything that I ask and do.”

My pleads drip with desperation…and hope.

What does a genuine person look like?

Dictionary.com defines genuine as:

“Free from pretense, affectation, or hypocrisy; sincere”

So…free from fabrication, deception, artificiality, insincerity…

Someone who is honest, truthful, heartfelt, authentic, trustworthy…

As much as I despise this fact…I am human. And until I die – I will remain to be. But I want to be the BEST human that I can be…I want to be honest and truthful and heartfelt and authentic and trustworthy…I want to be genuine!

I want to ask God for His blessings and not have an ulterior motive in my mind…not just because it is incredibly ridiculous to think that I can hide such a thing from God and deceive Him…but because I genuinely want to be genuine!

When I laugh with people – I want to mean it.

When I forgive people – I want both them and me to feel it!

When I love people – I want them to be secure in it!

And when I say that I am happy for people and want the best for them…I want to live by it.

And when I pray for God’s blessings and love and joy and peace…I want it to be because I love Him with a PURE heart and want anything and everything that will only bring me closer to Him.

And when I do something Christ-like…I don’t want it to be because I want others to look at me and think about how “great” I am…but I want to do it just simply because it is what comes natural to me…and because Christ has changed me so much that there really is no other option for me…it is just what I am compelled to do – because of His grace.

I don’t understand how Pastors can do it. How they can live a life so consumed with Christ and be these leaders that stand in front of the congregation day after day proclaiming all of the knowledge that God has given them…and not develop prideful and arrogant attitudes…I am sure some pastors do – because after all – they are still human too…but the ones who remain humble and selfless…only God can sustain such an attitude…

I was reading tonight in the book of Isaiah…chapter 58 is God talking to Isaiah about fasting in a way that pleases Him…I would love to write out the whole chapter for you…but I will try to break it down…

Ugh…alright…I can’t…it’s all so good…so you’ll just have to deal with it!

“Cry aloud, spare not;
Lift up your voice like a trumpet;
Tell My people their transgression,
And the house of Jacob their sins.

Yet they seek Me daily,
And delight to know My ways,
As a nation that did righteousness,
And did not forsake the ordinance of their God.
They ask of Me the ordinances of justice;
They take delight in approaching God.

‘Why have we fasted,’ they say, ‘and You have not seen?
Why have we afflicted our souls, and You take no notice?’

“In fact, in the day of your fast you find pleasure,
And exploit all your laborers.

Indeed you fast for strife and debate,
And to strike with the fist of wickedness.
You will not fast as you do this day,
To make your voice heard on high.

Is it a fast that I have chosen,
A day for a man to afflict his soul?
Is it to bow down his head like a bulrush,
And to spread out sackcloth and ashes?
Would you call this a fast,
And an acceptable day to the Lord?

“Is this not the fast that I have chosen:
To loose the bonds of wickedness,
To undo the heavy burdens,
To let the oppressed go free,
And that you break every yoke?

Is it not to share your bread with the hungry,
And that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out;
When you see the naked, that you cover him,
And not hide yourself from your own flesh?

Then your light shall break forth like the morning,
Your healing shall spring forth speedily,
And your righteousness shall go before you;
The glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.

Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
You shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’

“If you take away the yoke from your midst,
The pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,

If you extend your soul to the hungry
And satisfy the afflicted soul,
Then your light shall dawn in the darkness,
And your darkness shall be as the noonday.

The Lord will guide you continually,
And satisfy your soul in drought,
And strengthen your bones;
You shall be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

Those from among you
Shall build the old waste places;
You shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
And you shall be called the Repairer of the Breach,
The Restorer of Streets to Dwell In.

“If you turn away your foot from the Sabbath,
From doing your pleasure on My holy day,
And call the Sabbath a delight,
The holy day of the Lord honorable,
And shall honor Him, not doing your own ways,
Nor finding your own pleasure,
Nor speaking your own words,

Then you shall delight yourself in the Lord;
And I will cause you to ride on the high hills of the earth,
And feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father.
The mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

Verses 9-11 are my favorite: “Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
You shall cry, and He will say, ‘Here I am.’ If you take away the yoke from your midst,
The pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness. If you extend your soul to the hungry
And satisfy the afflicted soul,
Then your light shall dawn in the darkness,
And your darkness shall be as the noonday. The Lord will guide you continually,
And satisfy your soul in drought,
And strengthen your bones;
You shall be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.”

God has made SO MANY incredible promises to His children…

And because of His promises – I know that I don’t have to be afraid of becoming someone that I don’t like…I don’t have to worry about being deceitful or un-genuine. Because He has made me new. And each day – He promises me that He won’t give up on me and that He will scrub clean my dirty ol’ heart until the day I die!

Your Love Never Fails

Nothing can separate - Even if I ran away

Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes

But You have new mercies for me everyday

Your love never fails

You stay the same through the age

Your love never changes

There may be pain in the night

But joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage - I don't have to be afraid

Because I know that You love me

Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep

But I'm not alone here in these open seas

Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide -
I never thought I'd reach the other side

But Your love never fails

You make all things work together for my good

His love is thread...

I heard two stories today that both completely broke my heart, but then, if possible, put it back together even more full than it was before.

The first story was about a couple. Larissa and Ian met while they were in college and fell in love. After 10 months of dating Ian got into an accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury.  He had to have surgery on his brain, and slowly started to recover little by little. Today, Larissa and Ian are married. Ian is able to talk somewhat, and he is learning to walk.

I really encourage you all to watch this video on their story. I am not sure I have ever seen Gods love displayed in such a selfless and incredible way.

With Larissa as the caretaker of the family and Ian barley able to speak – it is possible that they will never be able to do things that normal couples are able to do.

If you’re a single human being (I would say “girl”, but I know for a fact guys think about stuff like this too) then I am sure that whenever you think about being married, it is not uncommon for you to think things like; “I cannot wait to be married and…(insert exciting/fun activity here)...” I always think about this kind of stuff.

For instance…I really have not been all that interested in doing fun things with my guy friends lately because honestly…I’m just at the point where I would rather just do something by myself than go on an adventure with someone who is not going to be my husband.

Maybe that sounds weird…but I would rather just not put any time or effort into relationships with guys when I am not interested in them romantically…I think I’ve just come to the place where I know that one day I’ll probably have to say something like the following to my future husband: “Hey, I am so sorry that I wasted all this time and energy on guys who really ended up being nothing in my life…but at least in the end I got my act together!”

I don’t know…I’m just not interested in settling anymore. And if an amazing guy comes along…I don’t want to be caught up with someone else who I know I don’t have/want a future with and miss out on my opportunity to be with this other guy…yah know? Alright…I’m getting off track…

Anywho…just watching this video of this couple really convicted me.

I can’t even tell you how many times thoughts have entered my mind about how I cannot even fathom what TRUE LOVE would be like. Like GENUINE PURE SELFLESS LOVE.

Christ’s love for us! OF COURSE! But – what does that look like when displayed in a romantic relationship? And even more so, what in the WORLD would that look like displayed in a romantic relationship in MY life?! I couldn’t tell yah! I’ve never experienced it.

I’m not just talking about someone loving me this way. Truthfully…I am talking about me loving someone else this way.

I am about as selfish as selfish gets. I whine and obsess over the little things. Everything has to be my way. I basically cry and stress over spilled water. It’s ridiculous. (I know…you’re only thinking about how absurd and obnoxious life with me would be…now’s you’re chance to run…)

But when my relationship with and love for Christ is flourishing - - so is my love for others.

And the love that this couple displays – it’s pure selflessness.

It’s not about the thousand of big and little things that normal couples get to experience together and adventures they get to go on…it is about their genuine love for each other and their genuine love and desire for God.

Pure beauty.

Besides absolutely everything about this video, there were two things that stuck out to me:

When talking about what’s important in their relationship, Larissa says:

“Ian always comes back to the foundational truths of who God is, and kind of reels me back in from my emotions.”

Maybe this just seems like a simple comment – one that every Godly couple should be able to say.

But I’ve never had that.

I wish I could count the exact times I have thought (and others have told me) about how I need someone who is able to handle me…but I’m starting to think that maybe it really isn’t all about “me” or “who” will be able to “handle me”

I’ve been in stubborn relationships before where the person I am with and I are not afraid to tell each other how WE feel or what WE think or what WE believe to be true. But I have never – NOT ONCE – ever, been with someone who directs me back to the “foundational truths of who God is”

Not once have I experienced a time where my boyfriend and I were disagreeing and him open up the bible and us explore how God feels on the matter.

But some day.

The second thing that stuck out to me:

Larissa and Ian were going through This Momentary Marriage by John Piper with two of their friends. When talking about different things that the couples could learn from each other, Larissa expressed something that the other couple may have been able to learn from her and Ian:

“…maybe the little things that they’re excited about marriage are worth being excited about but they’re not the end all and be all of their marriage.”

I know I basically already buried this horse…but at the moment…I just can’t get over how selfish I can be.

The things that I allow myself to get caught up on at times…really aren’t that important in the scheme of things…

Everything that I have always thought to be so important…is just kind of fading…

I encourage you to watch the above video on Larissa and Ian…and if you have time – do some more googling on the couple. Maybe they will encourage you as much as they have encouraged me.

“Marriage is not mainly about prospering economically; it is mainly about displaying the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. Knowing Christ is more important than making a living. Treasuring Christ is more important than bearing children. Being united to Christ by faith is a greater source of marital success than perfect sex and double-income prosperity.

If we make secondary things primary, they cease to be secondary and become idolatrous. They have their place. But they are not first, and they are not guaranteed. . . . So it is with marriage. It is a momentary gift. It may last a lifetime, or it may be snatched away on the honeymoon. Either way, it is short. It may have many bright days, or it may be covered with clouds. If we make secondary things primary, we will be embittered at the sorrows we must face. But if we set our face to make of marriage mainly what God designed it to be, no sorrows and no calamities can stand in our way. Every one of them will be, not an obstacle to success, but a way to succeed. The beauty of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church shines brightest when nothing but Christ can sustain it.”

                        - John Piper

Alright…Story #2 from today:

During high school bible study tonight, the woman leading it was talking about how Christ changes people.

She talked about a girl who had been molested by her father at a young age. Since then, the father has accepted Christ and become a COMPLETELY different person, and because of this – the girl and her father are able to have a healthy relationship today.

This is the power of Christ.

I think it’s safe to say that we all have been hurt by someone that we allowed to have our trust.

Maybe some of us have been hurt in greater ways than others – nevertheless – it is all hurt and it is all pain. And it all can be crippling.

How do you forgive someone who has done something like this to you?

Not only that – how do you get to the point of healing and forgiveness that you not only are able to verbally tell this person that you forgive them and mean it, but you are also able to have a NEW HEALTHY relationship with them?!?!

“I wish I could save you” – words I once spoke to someone who was dear to me. It took a few years of knowing this person until I was truly able to understand the sort of life they lived. Struggling every day with bitterness and anger towards a past abuser. Pushing people away left and right and putting on a “happy” face. Being overcome by insecurities and confusion…because of their ignored pain, this person only knew how to hurt others, instead of accepting the love that people wanted to give them. I watched them each and every day, create and entertain new thoughts of hatred toward others. Creating false, destructive, situations and swearing up and down that they were legitimate. This was the first time in my life that the idea of paranoia was actually a reality. A reality that my life could have survived without. I was physically, emotionally, and spiritually abused by this person. I was the textbook story for someone who was in an abusive relationship, the poster child for codependency. After I got out – I was not sure how long it would take before I would stop crying myself to sleep because of the pain I allowed myself to experience. It took months for me to no longer shutter at a knock on the door or the sound of my phone ringing for fear it was this person. I had no idea if I would ever again feel safe walking to and from my car by myself. I really did not think it was possible for me to experience a relationship free from lying and hiding, for fear of the other person thinking I was doing who knows what. I could go on about the emotional damage that this relationship left on me – but none of that really matters anymore. Don’t get me wrong – it is serious. Is it extremely serious – and I would never take my situation – or any other situation similar to mine lightly. Tears are still brought to my eyes when I think about the destructive lifestyle I allowed myself to live for over a year. How I allowed myself to be hurt in such a way that really no person should ever have to go through. And my heart still aches when I think about how I hurt so many other people in my life who cared about me…and when I think about how God must have felt being there for every part of it.

But what I meant by “it doesn’t matter anymore” was…it no longer has power over me. It no longer affects me and cripples me the way that it did. I no longer carry hatred or anger towards this person…I’m not afraid of developing relationships with people anymore…I’m free. Because of Christ’s love and forgiveness – I am free! Yes – I still bawl my eyes out when I watch a movie where a woman is being abused and then finally stands up to her abuser…but that’s because of the bitter-sweet feeling I get when I remember the hope that each and every person in a similar situation has. The sweet sweet hope of Jesus Christ.

I have no idea how people live without it.

So maybe there are completely different lessons to be learned by these two stories…or maybe not so much.

They both are thread with a love greater than anything that I have ever dreamed of.

A love that is able to HEAL and EMPOWER and RESTORE. A love that is able to take one woman and turn her into a being so selfless that she sacrifices her life each and every day to take care of her husband because of her faith and love for Christ. And a love that is more than able to strengthen and guide her each and every day through whatever life throws at her. A love that causes her to live above every day dealings that a normal person might consider inconvenient or imperfect. A love that replaces all pride and self-worries with humility and hope.

And a love that takes a relationship broken and torn by one of the most disgusting and disturbing acts – and turns it into something so sweet and pure. A love that restores. A love that takes what you and I might see as impossible – and turns it into one of the most beautiful truths.

Only the love of Christ can accomplish such things. And it’s all in a moments work for Him.

I am in awe at how this very same love lives inside of you and me.

And yet, I still have the nerve to wonder each day – how I will forgive this person or that person for simple petty things which they have done to me.

I still get caught up in my prideful ways of trying to convince myself that I “deserve” to be angry and this person or that person because of something they have done.

But it’s not about me and the feelings I convince myself that I am entitled to.

It is about forgiveness. And love. And Christ. And living ABOVE the problems that this world dishes out every day.

I really cannot wait until I am free of all that is human nature inside of me…

So to this person who hurt me so deeply, I FORGIVE YOU. Because God loves and forgives me – I am able to love and forgive you. And I pray that if you haven’t already – that one day you truly find the genuine peace, healing, love and forgiveness that Christ wants you to have. Because of Christ – I am able to say that I TRULY DO hope that you find Gods’ best for you and I DO hope that you find pure JOY in Christ and that your life is utterly beautiful – in good times and bad.

“Our courts are filled with terrible criminal cases. Stalkers, slashers, terrorists, abusers, murderers, even serial killers. We read of a man who has killed sixty people – murdered them in the most gruesome of ways. We watch him sit in court and smile through his trial, and we think, what an animal! And so he may be. But what is easy to ignore is this: The same animal-like nature resides in me, and it resides in you. It is wicked to the core. It is vile beyond belief. And were it not for the presence of grace and the miraculous deliverance of Jesus Christ at work within us, controlling our passions and urging us to forgive and more on, it would consume us. And we would kill and not give it a second thought.

How absolutely powerless we are to solve our own inner problem of evil. Were not the power of the Holy Spirit given to me in daily doses, literally moment-by-moment doses, my grudges, my lack of forgiveness could grow into thoughts that would shock you. And yours would shock me…

It is for this very reason that God invaded our polluted world in the Person of His Son, Jesus Christ. We’re not able to help ourselves, but the Lord Jesus can. He opened the door to forgiveness and power on the cross on which He was placed. He let nails be driven into His hands and feet, and He hung and died there, so that whoever would believe in Him would never perish in their own sin and evil. Somehow, in some wonderful way, the blood that came from His body serves as an internal detergent that washes away our sins. No words I could give you, or that anyone could give you, will do that. But the blood of Christ will.”

                                    - Charles Swindoll, Esther: A Woman of Strength and Dignity

I know who goes before me

Lately I have needed encouragement. A lot of it.

A lot of my spare time lately has been taken up with me just feeling kind of confused about some things going on.

And at the end of the day I am just kind of left feeling insecure and…uneasy in my own skin.

Have you ever felt a fight inside of you? It’s almost like that whole “devil and angel on your shoulder” kind of thing. You know what is both right and wrong, yet they are still at war within you.

I am so thankful for Christ. I wish I could explain the change that He has created in me these past few years. I know that because of what Christ has done for me and because of who I am in Him, the good will always overcome the bad inside of me…and those times when the bad does seem to win…God will still use that for His glory and for my good.

I have been so encouraged lately by one simple fact: He goes before me.

Lately, these words have had such a literal sense to me. There have been times when I have been so insecure that I have even been terrified to walk into a room because of the fear of not knowing what is going to happen. Yet God just keeps whispering in my ear, “I’m here waiting for you. I’ve already conquered that.”

Because of Christ, I’m free from seeking out fleeting security in the world. And I’m free to find ultimate, lasting security in Him.

I just need to OBEY Him.

I can reason my insecurities and try to justify them all I want. But until I fully give them over to Him, I am just going to keep fighting the same battle.

These days I have just really been stuck on me and how I am feeling. And I think that that is only making it worse.

So I just want to encourage any of YOU who are struggling with insecurities right now. And I want to offer you the comfort in knowing that whatever it is that you’re afraid of, whether it’s picking up your phone, or walking outside of your door, or like me…walking into a room…just know that if you are obeying and walking with Christ, He has gone before you and conquered ALL of your fears and insecurities. And He is with you…just waiting and ready to walk you through whatever it is you are hiding from.

How Will I Know?

Jesus answered and said, ’I thank You, Father . . . that You have hidden these things from the wise and prudent and have revealed them to babes’ —Matthew 11:25

We do not grow into a spiritual relationship step by step— we either have a relationship or we do not. God does not continue to cleanse us more and more from sin— “But if we walk in the light,” we are cleansed “from all sin” (1 John 1:7). It is a matter of obedience, and once we obey, the relationship is instantly perfected. But if we turn away from obedience for even one second, darkness and death are immediately at work again.

All of God’s revealed truths are sealed until they are opened to us through obedience. You will never open them through philosophy or thinking. But once you obey, a flash of light comes immediately. Let God’s truth work into you by immersing yourself in it, not by worrying into it. The only way you can get to know the truth of God is to stop trying to find out and by being born again. If you obey God in the first thing He shows you, then He instantly opens up the next truth to you. You could read volumes on the work of the Holy Spirit, when five minutes of total, uncompromising obedience would make things as clear as sunlight. Don’t say, “I suppose I will understand these things someday!” You can understand them now. And it is not study that brings understanding to you, but obedience. Even the smallest bit of obedience opens heaven, and the deepest truths of God immediately become yours. Yet God will never reveal more truth about Himself to you, until you have obeyed what you know already. Beware of becoming one of the “wise and prudent.” “If anyone wills to do His will, he shall know . . .” (John 7:17).

- My Utmost For His Highest

vanilla + chocolate + strawberry does NOT always = neapolitan

You know when some things in life just don’t go your way…or the way you had hoped/planned?

Like this morning…when I decided to mix my vanilla protein powder and my chocolate vitamin mix in my shake…I was hoping for more of a softserve taste effect – didn’t happen. I also put strawberries in my morning shakes so it would have even been cool to have that neapolitan taste going on…not even close. So I stress…do not mix vanilla protein powder and chocolate vitamin mix in your morning shake. It’s not good. It’s not a banana split. Morning shakes are not the time to experiment dessert ideas…just don’t do it. It’ll throw off your whole day.

Or when you go to take a huge gulp of your sprite and you are sooooo excited because it’s been so long since you have tasted those glorious little carbonated bubbles of heaven and it’s already too late when you realize that you have just swallowed a whale of a size gulp of just plain water and you feel cheated…and sadden…and a little dumb.

A few weeks ago I had a test in biology and a few Saturdays ago I received my score from that test. I saw a “40.75” written on my score sheet and automatically shoved the sheet to be hidden deep in my folder. The guy who sits behind me in class is very helpful and very sweet (he is also one of my lab partners) he asked me how I did and I shyly gave a “ugh it was awful” grin…”oh man, yeah I got a 77, I thought I had done better” a 77??? I got a 40.75 pal, whatever .75 means…Last night was the first time since then that I have been able to crack my biology folder out. And I found that little devil of a score sheet again. I never read anything all of the way through…just like I never think anything all of the way through…I should probably fix this…I got a 40.75 out of 50……….I got an 81.5%!! Which in this class, is a very high B! (I know it may not seem great, but I have been working my little toosh off in this class so I am very proud…oh aaaand I just skipped one whole question page on the test cause I really had no idea what it was talking about…) This is an example of a time when I had thought something had not gone my way, but infact, did so more than I had hoped.

Why am I telling you all of this you may ask…to be truthful. I really don’t know. It is most likely me just needing to ramble because I have been extremely ill the past week and have not gotten to talk to anyone or do anything and I have just had to sit here in this house and…live…with myself…and my kidney infection…and my 104 degree fever…ugh…it can be exhausting…being alone…sick and alone…haha okay…you get it…

A few weeks ago I was selected to receive a pre-released copy of Jefferson Bethke’s new book Jesus > Religion so I could read it and review it on my blog! I was pretty stoked about the opportunity! (still am, just somewhat bummed of….) But have I stressed how incredible crazy my life has been these past few months? Between youth groups, school, work, and trying to maintain a social life…things can get a little out of hand. Then I had to go and get deathly ill! Which led me to fall behind in class!

But I mean who am I? What do I have to complain about? I have an awesome life!

Anywho – I am just bummed…because I really was looking forward to writing a review for you all BEFORE the book was released…which okay, it was just released only today…but still…it would have been nice…(just like having my morning shake taste like neapolitan ice cream would have been nice)

I am STILL going to read it and I am STILL going to write a review on it. I am just not exactly certain when…but until then, I encourage you all to check out Jeff and his ditty on the book HERE and after that, if you are interested, look into purchasing the book here!

Oh AND…I believe I wrote a little about the spoken word poetry thing I went to in August? P4CM? Ringing any bells? Yes? No? Okay, I don’t remember, but Jeff actually does spoken word as well (which you would have already known if you checked out the above video on his book)! And has worked with P4CM! So if you have some time, you should check out one of my favorite poems by him right here as well!

Alright…I am very behind in school…I need to get back to studying…