My devotionals these past few days have been so perfect for me.
I’ve been challenged to think about the things that I truly hold more dear in my life - or maybe even just at this moment in life.
My relationships, my possessions, my passions, my dreams, my ideas...all of them can get the best of me at times.
But what am I utterly obsessed with? What do I spend most of my time thinking about and pondering over? What do I set as a little higher (or a lot higher) priority over everything else?
I'm challenging myself lately to intentionally put God first in my life. I know it sounds like such an obvious need for a Christian - but as I'm sure you know, it's not as easy as it sounds. One way I have been doing this the past few weeks is waking up a few hours earlier and having my devotion and quiet time. That way my day is started off with the most important thing. And my need for time alone with God, is the first thing I think about in the morning. Giving a start to my day that already makes me feel refreshed and energized, because I am able to put my day into Gods hands, and allow Him to take control of my heart and mind before I even step out into the crazy world.
And I have loved it.
But even that, even the act of waking up early and having that time can become an addiction. Which you may think there is nothing wrong with. But what is my motive behind it? Do I do it because I am so in love with God and it's one way I can express my faithfulness to Him? Do I do it because I desire and crave that alone time with Him because He is my Savior? Or do I do it because I want to look like a good Christian? Maybe I do it just for the simple fact that I can sit here right now, write this blog and brag about how amazing and dedicated I am to God…
I believe it's true that because we are so connected with the world and we’re born immediately into a sinful nature, that nothing we do, not even the most seemingly greatest and selfless act, can be done without us having some ulterior motive to bring attention to ourselves.
It makes complete since that Jesus tells us to pray in secret so that we will not be seeking attention for ourselves:
"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." Matthew 6:5&6
If we do things only to draw attention to ourselves, where then is our obsession and focus?
I even think about the following: why do I obey God? Why do I pursue after the things He has placed on my heart? Is it so that everyone will look at me and think of how brave and adventurous and fearless I am? Or is it because I want to live a life that pleases Him. That I just simply don't know how to do anything other than obey Him because His love and will and plans for me are so deeply threaded in every part of me? I can choose to disobey, yes, but the thought or temptation never even enters my mind because I am in complete oneness with Him.
I pray that that is, or becomes my truth. I pray that I grow to be so lost in Him that I just automatically know what He wants for me. That I know which choice to make because it is so clear which one would glorify Him more.
There have been times where I have thought I "knew" what was right and best for me. Times that I would almost swear to you that this was the direction I needed to go. But those times have all been ruled by me. I felt so strongly about them because I wanted them. And it has been proven time and time again that what I may think I want and need, is the complete opposite of such.
So I am learning and being reminded more and more that when I feel something is right, my first response should be prayer. Instead of just "knowing" it is for me, I need to pause with caution and take it to God instantly. So that He can show me if it is right or not before I start to get myself in too deep.
But oh, to think of a day where I will truly know what is right - because I will be so in tune with God and His plan for my life.
Then He and only He will be my obsession.
If there is anything on your heart right now, I encourage you to take it to God. I encourage you to be honest and genuine and vulnerable with Him. If you have big plans and big dreams and you feel like you need to move in them then take it to God. If you're like me and often feel these things but fear somehow always find its crippling way in you, take it to God. Too often I am afraid of failure. Too often I have a dream and then allow insecurities to drown it.
I'm learning to not be afraid of the things I want. I'm learning that God has great plans for me - whether I think I know what they are or not, they're great. Because they're from God.
I'm afraid of my passions not becoming a reality. I'm afraid of finally following them and having them be fulfilled but then have them crumble. I'm afraid of rejection and heartbreak. I'm afraid of stepping out into the unknown.
But I'm learning to be more afraid of not following what I want. I'm afraid of waking up one day, 10 years from now, in the same exact place I am right now and wondering, "what if?" I'm afraid of a life that does not progress or grow or strengthen. Failure isn't an amazing feeling, but at least it means I tried. At least it means I didn't sit there on my hands and allow fear to keep me from moving.
I try to suppress my fears a lot of the time. I try to ignore them and act like they don't exist. I don’t know if I thought that maybe vocalizing them would make them more real and give them even more power over me...but it hasn't. Taking them to God and saying them out loud has only given God more power over them. And more power over me. Trusting Him with my fears only makes my passion that much stronger. Because He reassures me with each fear I speak that He has me. And even though I may step out and fail, He is there. And He is guiding me every step of the way because it is my desire that a life glorifying to Him is my obsession.
